Jonathan at The Pres

tidbits

2006-06-15T23:26:00.000-07:00

don't know if anyone will read this, but I wanted to share that I am beginning to work on a book about my experience. I have no idea whether anyone will ever publish it or read it, but I think it will be a cathartic endeavor for me, at the very least.

I also wanted to share my new tutoring website shaub barefoot tutoring

Strength

2006-02-18T19:31:00.000-08:00

Shaubbie,
The three amigos (Coach Mc, Mr. Milson, and Coach P) are so impressed with your strength and perseverance (then and now).... there is nothing that stands in your future that you won't attack head on...we love you....Coach P and the three amigos

2005-08-23T15:52:00.000-07:00

my moments are growing longer...

i apologize for the long delay and wait for this final blog, and i really don't have many good excuses except for the mounting pressure to appropriately complete the blog cycle of our lives. i didn't begin this, but i heard rumors of its growth into a life of its own, fully saturated on frequent updates, countless curious eyes, clever comments, and a wide variety of perspective and style. starting out as a simple trunk of information, it expanded exponentially, branching into the lives of innumerable people around the country and world. now, as time has passed, it has started to shrivel into itself, watching old branches complete their life spans and fall aside, ceasing to sprout new growths, and hardening the vigorous fluidity that daily fed its expansion.

thinking about the blog, i see its appropriate parallel to my experiences of the past six months. the first month flashes with intensely short moments of memory. all-consuming fear: gangsters relentlessly pursuing me and my family. searing pain, emanating from depths i didn't know i had. faces of family, friends, nurses and surgeons floating above me. my early memories cut the deepest (literally in some cases) and deliver their energy in sudden bursts soon faded. like that early poem said - they offer intense microcosms of the magnanimity of each awakening. the blog reflects those intense days - ever-changing, constantly updated with saturated microbursts of information. its updates are often unattached in time, but together they tell a story with vivid images of the present.

the next phase of my experience lengthens slightly. i remember longer stretches, conversations, basketball games, dressing changes and the rising and subsiding of pain. i no longer lived only in each awakening, but could actually experience the passage of time, the chain of cause and effect. i remember waiting for a dressing change to happen, knowing that visitors were coming and would soon leave. events didn't appear to me anymore, they happened. similarly, the blog lengthens, more detail and context appears in its entries. the writers allow themselves to focus more on what will happen in the next few days, on implications, and the entries become more regular and evenly spaced.

coming off the drugs, beginning intense therapy, walking and moving to the rehab hospital in new york stretched my experience of a moment even more. i counted days and nights, remembered walking the day before and compared my progress. i could see my wounds and i watched them heal, comparing, contrasting and beginning to anticipate transition and movement. one day i could walk five steps with a walker, and then five days later i walked down the entire hall. one day we rejoiced because i took one step without a cane, and a week later i was climbing stairs unassisted. progress came quickly, suddenly and those were the moments i inhabited. the lifespan of my physical improvement became my reality, my home. an optimistic period, the blog again mirrors my space - allowing a few days in between entries but always progressing rapidly, looking forward to the next week or two, but never beyond.

as i moved to nashville, i realized that my life was swiftly changing. for months i existed moment to moment, and then day to day, but now i started looking further into the distance. at Nashville Rehab, i realized, for the first time, that my flexibility was not going to improve significantly until i had surgeries, too far in the future to even consider. my wounds persistently blistered and bled and i could no longer see progress on a daily basis. i started to think in terms of weeks and months, anxiously awaiting the day my back would close up and my other wounds heal. i aimed at short-term goals, like Michael Ewing's wedding; there lay the limit of my vision. the blog expanded too, looking backwards to see progress instead of citing it daily. tracking life experiences and inspirations rather than a progression of steps.

finally, here at home, a month out of the hospital, a month away from the blog, my moments have elongated to capture the entire whole. my back is closed, as are several other wounds, but others persist and will for the foreseeable future. my weight has returned to normal and my flexibility and endurance will remain what they are until further surgical intervention. i don't think in terms of days, weeks, or even months anymore; i know time will bring its future at its own pace. i still feel as if my life is suspended, like a thick haze descended on me on February 19th and i am still feeling my way out. at first i could sporadically see my hand or a nearby face emerging from its embrace, but those spaces of insight grew until i am able to see all of my surroundings, to see what lay ahead pretty clearly, but my sight is still bounded by the edge of the fog. what it contains is clear, but i cannot glimpse what is outside - what life will be like when it is finally lifted, although i know shards and ribbons of it will always remain. 6-10 months from now, i will be undergoing a series of surgeries to remove the heterotrophic ossification in my hip and leg and reverse my colostomy. until that time, i am waiting, and healing. we see small improvements in my grafts and donor sites, but we see them weekly, or even bi-weekly. i can walk around, get out, and participate in life, but i am limited and frustrated many times.

slowly, i have begun to consider life outside the haze, but the white veil still ensures its mystery. i do not know what my final state will be, who i will become, how i will function. i know that life will continue to change, moment by moment, but now those moments are longer. i cannot express adequately how humbling an experience it has been to have so many people care for me, love me, pray for me, write to me, cry for me and even cheer for me, when all i did was get myself hit by a big old fat oil tanker.

i am slowly reacquainting myself with the idea of the future. i plan to spend this year healing, reading, writing, playing boggle (anyone up for a monthly game?) and other board games (bring it on, franklin), tutoring, doing physical therapy, waiting in doctors' offices, and (unfortunately) watching TV. one mystery has been solved - Mr. (or should i say Mrs.) Penguin is/was/will be none other than Ginger Handy (Joey, how could you deceive us?), but there are many mysteries still ahead of me. i am accepted to Oxford University, in England, starting in Fall, 2006, but i have no idea if i will be able to go, or still have the desire. the questions have started to layer themselves on my mind - will i ever run? drive a stick shift (my precious miata)? walk normally? sit on a regular chair without my special cushion? use the toilet for #2 (sorry, i had to include it)? return to new york? sleep on a normal bed (i'm still on the clinitron here at home)? etc, etc, etc. at times i want more than anything to stop living in moments, to fast forward to the future and know who and how i will be.

but then i have to pause and catch myself. life is not meant to be fast forwarded, moments are not meant to be skipped or wished away. God has given me a time of peace, of family: a time to suffer and a time to praise Him. this blog is a moment of completion. like me it has undergone a progression of transitions - each extending time and perspective to a slight degree. written to conclude the crisis, it also reflects my new environment of suspense and question, not about what will happen tomorrow or next week, but what my life will be ultimately, what infinite moments will define me.

to conclude i want to do what i seldom do - share a poem i wrote in the hospital (this time without the influence of painkillers)...

as i watch the hours
i search for myself

months and minutes gone
blur montage of forgotten pains
severity lost in memory

days leading only to the next
a ladder, one rung in sight

floating faces and words
gathered around without order
outside time

circular expanse of struggle
experience destroying the linear
ever-spinning clouds
thoughts, suffering, voices, dreams
centered on immobile me

bed-ridden shell, constantly feeding
aware only of present

now emerging, cracking
infant anew
vision lengthens to see the days
beyond and before
life past in mind
separated by cloud
body unable

beyond the shell
its shards remain
reminders of its present

life begins unknown and new
hours stretching

past confronts the future
self restored
present

looking backward

2005-07-13T19:03:00.000-07:00

Well, it's Jonathan again, rising movie star according to Mrs. Hillenmeyer, though i personally thought my cheeks (the ones on my face, of which i still have two) looked kinda chubby in those close-ups. i guess that's a good thing, though, compared to their formerly sunken appearance. Thanks to John Dwyer and Tim Hardiman over at Channel 2 for doing a great job and sincerely caring about the whole situation.

this past week with the news story and talk of going home on friday has caught me up in a little backward reminiscing, but on to that later... first, the medical update (drumroll, please)

the wounds on my back donor site finally seem to have started healing (thank the Lord!) although there are still several open areas on it and my other donor sites. the other open places on my skin grafts also seem to be closing and now i can almost believe, almost, that there will be a day in the future when my body no longer bleeds regularly (on that day i will be the crazy guy in the street laughing and singing like a little girl with a pink puppy). my ingrown toenails have healed, though i had to have the nail on my second toe cut off today, but it is minor compared to my former difficulties. in therapy news, the stretching continues on my knees and hips, sometimes involving one therapist sitting on one leg and another on all fours with my foot on his shoulder "cranking away." my flexibility is improving slightly, but the heterotopic ossification (HO) in my hip still severely limits my movement and has left me with a bit of a gangsta limp to attract the ladies. that's a brief medical update for those interested - i'm sure our friends in new york would love to come down and have a look for themselves to make sure i'm healing and being treated properly, but you'll have to take my word..

on that note, though, looking back as i am, i did want to send a little "shout out" to our NYC family - my beloved therapists: Shin, Malvina, Carrie, Matt, Tatiana, Gerrard, et al; and of course the vigilant nurses: Kelly(s), Meighan and Jen ("magic milk" party, anyone?), Actor Andrew, Eugene (i need a haircut), Dennis, the "cool" Megan, John, my Bunin sharer, Patty, Brian, Rob, Frank, Raina, Jacob, Kim and so many others...

moving along in the newscast, i have been escaping from the lovely confines of Nashville Rehab quite a bit lately... some highlights include a trip up to Otter Creek's Camp where a road full of gravel and 100 applauding campers greeted our arrival, and where i also broke out my latest dance move that i like to call "The HO" (modified from Lisa Turtle's "The Sprain"); a lunch trip to Monell's in style with mom, Che Che (my physical therapist) and her boyfriend, who happens to be a limo driver; a july fourth cookout at the house; enjoying "Batman Begins" with my mother and then cringing and crying through "War of the Worlds" with Hunter; a couple of board game marathons (Cranium - win; Boggle - loss; Scattergories - win) with my college friends and then a Sharon Shaub spectacularly salivating Steak and Salmon Spread for supper (don't you love alliteration?); and finally a Trivia Night at the Flying Saucer where we barely missed third place but might have had the best team name, i.e. "I got run over by an 18-wheeler but i still made it to Trivia Night"...

Tomorrow brings a trip back to Vanderbilt to check in with the doctor and hopefully get the release slip to come home... watching that day approach, with the news story and looking through old pictures has forced me to do lately what my mom has continually urged me to do. "Look backward to see how far you've come, not forward to the long road ahead," she chides whenever i seem daunted by the upcoming path. on the cusp of a return to "normal life," fear and frustration claw at me and tempt me into their webs with flashes of the immediate future. i wonder if i will ever stop bleeding or sit comfortably without concern for my leg, back, or feet; i despair at not being able to drive my car or feel the wind as I sprint on a Frisbee field; i resent having to be cared for, my socks and shoes put on for me and trivial tasks turned impossible.

however, more powerful than these negatives is the backward vision that my mom so sagely advised. i look at pictures of gaping holes in my leg and then look down to see them filled with healthy skin; i see my emaciated face in the NYC ICU and compare it to the chubby cheeks i saw on TV; i remember the dizziness after standing for a few minutes and realize that i plan to stand for an entire wedding ceremony next week; i remember questioning my dad, "will i ever walk?" and his uncertain reply and now i'm ready to go walking at Radnor Lake, hoping my stylish limp will catch some female attention.

on friday, almost five months to the day after the accident, 21 weeks exactly, i will most likely be coming home. i know i'm in for a long road - surgeries for the HO - 8 months to a year down the road, the colostomy reversal, therapy, etc. - and it looms ahead obscuring my entire vision at times; but glancing behind me at the past 147 days allows me to see a continual, miraculous, and ardently prayed for progression of healing. That backward vision enables me to see further into the future, to look past the immediate hurdles and imagine a day of restored health, of healed skin, of unimpaired walking, even running. Looking at the past creates for me the hope of the future, the knowledge that a year from now i might be able to look back at the past 17 months and see an even more miraculous, even more ardently prayed for progression of healing. standing on the last 147 days allows me to see over the next 147; looking backwards trains my eyes to look forward in a new way, to look forward standing on a foundation of hope.

i don't know what the future holds, but looking at the past allows me to walk into it smiling.

Television

2005-07-08T13:30:00.000-07:00

Surprise! Surprise! Surprise!

Jonathan's story will be featured on Channel 2's Sports Extra at 10:20 this Sunday night, July 10, at about 10:20 pm. (That's ABC-WKRN in Nashville.) You may have seen a teaser last Monday night.

John Dwyer and Tim McDaniel have been absolutely marvelously in dealing with our family and with Jonathan as they have prepared this story. Kudos to them and their organization for acting with integrity, class, diligence, and kindness - traits not found often enough among sports media these days.

As for our non-TV reality world, the routine goes on at Nashville Rehabilitation Hospital (which you will see on the TV piece and deserves all the good PR they can get.) Jonathan has therapy 3 hours each morning, followed by an hour or so of dressing changes, afternoon food and rest, and then usually a nightime activity or visit. Last night we had a bridge party with Mimi (aka, Mary Letta, paternal grandmother) and Doty (uncle) until 11 pm. It's likely Jonathan will be released for home care at the end of next week.

Thanks, thanks, thanks for the cards and food and prayers that continue to inundate us. We will forever grateful.

DAD

The view from here

2005-07-02T09:00:00.000-07:00

It is Saturday morning once again at the Shaub house and we are still waiting for the day when Jonathan comes home for good. He is still a patient at Nashville Rehab Hospital, although he manages to get a lot of day passes! I will let Jonathan fill you in on some of his adventures later.

Jonathan contiues to need the skilled nursing care he is receiving at NRH as his donor sites for his grafts are taking some time to heal. There is progress, it is just very slow, probably due to the intense trauma his body endured. Jonathan is learning what the "patience of Job" means first hand. Even though these donor sites contiune to test his patience, Jonathan is making great strides physically. He has gained back about 30 pounds of the 40 he lost and continues to gain strength and stamina every day. He really looks great!

We are all beginning to adjust to the reality of being in Nashville. It has been wonderful to reconnect with our friends and family here and Jonathan has really enjoyed all of his visitors. It is beginning to feel like home again-especially with all the wonderful home-cooked meals being brought in!

My creative juices are running dry and I suspect this will be my last blog entry. I want to thank you all for your constant prayers on our behalf. Without those prayers, we might not be where we are today. Those of you who are in New York reading this, we miss you very much! Our little New York family truly sustained us during our ordeal there. There are days I even think fondly of the Pres as it was the medical staff there that saved Jonathan's life. The view from Jonathan's window on 8 West(East River) does beat the view from his window here (blacktop). Just before we left New York I took a few pictures of that view. I wanted to remember the many hours I stood by the window looking out upon the reflections on the water as I petitioned God for Jonathan's healing. I hope to never forget the powerful way that God has held us in His arms throughout this whole ordeal. You have all been a big part of that.

Hopefully, Jonathan will come home sometime next week. We will try to do a better job of keeping you informed.

Blessings to all,
Mom

walking in the light of life

2005-06-18T18:22:00.000-07:00

"for you have delivered me from death and my feet from stumbling, that i may walk before god in the light of life" psalms 56:13

i received this verse last week from that wacky blogger formerly known as carrie and i have to admit, tears streamed down my face because it struck so close to home. "stumbling" is a constant fear and concern of mine, but nothing brings me more joy now than "walking in the light of life." the days are passing slowly and rapidly at the same time - each one brings the frustrations of a constantly burning/itching back, bleeding wounds, and my severely limited flexibility - and i will admit that it overwhelms me sometimes. however, each hour passes and there are many moments of progress and joy mixed with and even deepened by the sadness they accompany.

i've officially moved to the Nashville Rehab Hospital, which is a wonderfully air-conditioned and receptive place, though i've definitely noticed many cultural differences from my former new york haunts (e.g. my physical therapist on friday had overalls on). i work out for about three hours every morning and then spend the afternoon "jus chillin." i've gotten to visit with family, friends and any others who wish to come are welcome (between 3pm and 8pm) - a reversal of my family's former protective measures. they too wanted to welcome anyone who wanted to come by or share a meal or whatever.

actually, today was my first venture into polite society. my good buddy matthew "ian mortimer" griffith was "gettin hitched" (as i'm sure my therapists would say) and i couldn't miss out on the party. my mom busted me out of the rehab center, brought me home, where she paranoidly harried the dogs, emerson and waldo, away from me and my fragile skin while they went crazy. my grandfather was kind enough to loan me a cane, at my mother's insistence, although i didn't use it for much except to poke people with. a few hours at the church in the groomsmen's pictures, several hugs and a lots of cheese cubes later, i came back home to a wonderful home-cooked meal from Domino's. needless to say, it was quite the adventure and it still continues as i write this blog from home, at 8:30 pm, and they are supposedly "locking the doors" of the rehab center at 8:00 pm - so we shall see.

nicole leaves for new york tomorrow and it will be sad to see her go. i cannot even describe how amazingly supportive and loving they have been - megan even sang me to sleep on a particularly sad night this week - a rousing version of "you are my sunshine" that i'm sure she will be glad to reproduce upon request.

i guess it's back to rehab - to my fellow inmates - average age: 70; who all call me a "young whippersnapper." progress is slow now, and the road ahead looks impossibly long at times. a series of surgeries to take out the ossification that strangles my hip, grafts and donor sights that stubbornly refuse to heal, orthopedic surgery, and a reversal of the colostomy all lie on the horizon. i have a vision in my head, though, of a day when i walk without fear of stumbling, even run in the nashville grass, with only memories holding me back: it is that vision that sustains me. my prayer lately has been: lord, give me strength to conquer the day's pains, hope to sustain me for the dauting road ahead, and an unfailing awe and wonder to be "walking before god in the light of life."

this has been jonathan, from home, where i hope to be permanently in the next week or so

Another Move

2005-06-15T22:09:00.000-07:00

I thought that everyone should know that Jonathan has moved yet again to a rehab facility in Nashville. He is still very uncomfortable and experiencing a great deal of pain plus fighting off three ingrown toenails...of all thing!! An ambulance picked him up today around 2, and he and my mom have been settling in and adjusting today. Visiting hours are pretty strict at the rehab hospital because he will be working out for a large part of the day. Although, we know Jonathan is looking forward to visitors, we would like to request a little more time while we all adjust to his new setup. Thank you so much for your patience and understanding. Visting time will come!! We have no idea how long the rehab will take, but we would guess a week or so until he comes home.

still searching for the new normal

2005-06-11T11:17:00.000-07:00

It's Saturday morning at the Shaub house, and things are a bit more normal than they have been for four months. Dad is drinking his coffee, while the dogs and daughters lounge lazily beside him. It's nice to be home.

Of course, Mom and Jonathan are not joining our "normal" routine this morning. Mom enjoyed sleeping in her own bed last night, but this morning brought sort of a hard reminder that just because we are home, that doesn't mean life will magically become the same again.

New beginnings can be fairly difficult, and this one has its share of challenges. Jonathan is being fully evaluated this weekend by the new doctors. This morning, he is anesthesized for wound care, evaluation and tests. He has a lot of pain and discomfort, and the doctors seem concerned about the ossification and his healing process.

Though Jonathan is home, this transition requires a great deal of patience and rest for all of us. Thanks to Nashville people for respecting the healing process - please be patient with us as we make this transition. We will communicate visiting information for Jonathan as soon as the doctors feel it is appropriate.

Nicole (and Dad)

a miraculous circle

2005-06-09T23:27:00.000-07:00

Jonathan is coming home.

As of yesterday, Jonathan is approved to transfer as an inpatient to Vanderbilt Hospital in Nashville. He and Mom will board a plane tomorrow morning and make the transition to the next phase of treatment and life.

When Mom and I were discussing how to go about blogging this shocking (to us as much as everyone else) news, she reminded me of the list of miracles that I was keeping during the first week of Jonathan's stay in the hospital. I had kind of forgotten about it, four months ago...how I sat on that plastic blue couch and made everyone around me help me list the tiny details which had smoothed the road for our family in so many ways. Of course those miracles were just the added flourishes to the miracle which we then continued to pray for - Jonathan's life.

So, tonight, we have come full circle, or, rather, we have made our way back to another beginning. These past two days, we have watched that list of flourishes grow, once again, as the final touches to another grand salvation. Though I haven't had a chance to document them all this time, I am experiencing that same sense of overwhelming awe.

I arrived in New York on Tuesday at the same time as the news that Jonathan would be coming home. I was a bit nervous, because there have been so many thing that needed to fall into place, too many little details to count. While many of the miracles have come at the hands of able and willing workers (Dad, the social workers, the hospital staff), some of them have been so beautifully finessed that it's difficult to even believe. For example, Jonathan got a last visit with both of his attending physicians today. For the first time in four months, he actually spoke with the attending and the resident who saved his life. Yesterday, Jonathan was able to walk back to 2 South and 8 West, dressed in clothes, to say goodbye and thank you. Tonight and last night, he enjoyed a final celebratory dinner with Joey and Melissa, Scott and Kristin, and Andrew. The bags are packed (no small miracle in itself!). The manna continues to fall.

Like many other moments of this journey, I will never forget the experience of being the one to bring the message of homecoming back to my family. Never, ever have I witnessed or felt such a longing to be home. I had just come from home and was so comforted by the restorative beauty and community there. When I spoke about it with Mom and J, I saw anxiety and weariness barely holding back fierce joy and relief at the thought of going home. They were afraid to believe that it might be true, because going home was almost too great a gift. Through this whole process - watching my dad fight and fight to get them home, hearing Mom's voice ache for her house, her family and friends, her bed, aching to have the whole family around that dinner table again, seeing Jonathan's smile when he found out he was going home- through all this talk about home, it has been hard for me not to think about heaven. As much as we long for Nashville right now, I think all of our hearts have uncovered such an ache for home that isn't just earthly. We can't help but long, tangibly, for the place that will bring freedom from the weariness, that will heal our bodies and spirits, that will bring community and communion, that will have beautiful, beautiful light. We have learned to long for home in so many ways.

So home it is, at least, Nashville, for now. My family would also like to request that, at first, visitors give Jonathan a few days to settle into Vanderbilt. The transition may be a bit difficult and will also be incredibly draining for everyone involved. Though sad to leave his New York family, Jonathan will be excited to see some of his Nashville family again - he just has to take it slow. Even Eme and Waldo are going to have to wait a little longer to see him, it seems...:)

And as the new circle brings a bit more toward normal, all mail can now be forwarded to our house in Nashville.

Nicole

A Taste of Freedom

2005-06-07T01:00:00.000-07:00

I have spent most of the day today reflecting on our stay at NYPH. In some ways, the past 4 months (almost) have flown, yet in other ways they seem an eternity. It hardly seems possible that we are about to reach our long awaited goal of discharge. The doctors have informed us that they cannot justify keeping Jonathan any longer. He is making rapid progress and meeting all of their rehab goals so they plan to discharge him on Friday. This is a week earlier than they originally told us, so we are working hard to get him ready. After spending so many weeks in the hospital, discharge is not a simple process.

The plan is to bring Jonathan home to our apartment in NYC. The big issue to settle is his special Clinitron bed, believe it or not. He must stay on this bed for sometime to relieve the pressure on the fragile grafted areas. We should know more tomorrow about the bed dilemma. It is our fervent hope that before long we will be coming Nashville. Your prayers and ours have once again been heard and answered as it seems insurance will actually allow us to bring Jonathan home soon. All that remains is working out the details of his medical care.

On Sunday, Jonathan and I obtained what they call a "Day Pass" which enabled us to actually leave the hospital for several hours unaccompanied by a hospital employee. The emotions ran high on several levels as Jonathan donned his new outfit for our outing. I know I am partial, but he looked so wonderful to me-handsome and healthy, if a little thin. Jonathan's good friend Andrew Fenet arrived just in time to join us and his presence eased our nervousness greatly! We had a wonderful time strolling down 1st Avenue, eating brunch, and introducing Jonathan to our little apartment where we assume he will be going when discharged. It was a little tricky getting the wheelchair down our narrow hall and into the apartment, but we made it. Jonathan and I spent a couple of hours just relaxing at "home." To be honest, I am not really sure either one of us knew quite what to do with all of this normalcy. I do think this little taste of freedom helped us all feel a little more comfortable about him being released from the hospital.

Although we are thrilled to be at this point, being released is unsettling for many reasons. I think early on I had envisioned that when we finally left the hospital Jonathan would be well. Unfortunately, this is not the case. He will require a great deal of home nursing care and ongoing therapy for the grafts and HO. He also needs to gain weight and just regain his overall health and endurance. The bottom line is that it is a little scary not to have the security of the nurses and doctors who are there around the clock to take care of Jonathan. Regardless, the day we walk out of the hospital will be a day of rejoicing. I sense that all of you faithful blog followers will be rejoicing with us!

It has been a lonely few days with Megan and Nicole in Nashville and David unable to join us due to business, but we have been blessed by visits from friends-several all the way from Nashville. I cherish even these lonely times as I get to spend them with my son and reflect upon the joy he has brought to my life. I will never forget how close we came to losing him.

This whole experience makes me want to draw my children close and never let them go, yet I know it is not in my power to protect them. It is God who protects-we can't live our lives in fear. He has not promised us a life without suffering, but He has promised to sustain us through that suffering. I am pretty sure that I don't really understand this, but for now I am just trusting that He will.

Since we will be leaving soon, Jonathan's address will be changing once again. At this point, the new address will be:

410 E. 74th Street, Apt. 4F
NYC, NY 10021

If this changes (meaning we will be in Nashville) we will let you know!

Keep Praying,

MOM

Little Bits of News

2005-06-05T12:30:00.000-07:00

After a month in New York, I returned to Nashville yesterday. I have lots of little tidbits of news about Jonathan. Big news first, he will most likely be discharged early -either this coming Wednesday or Friday. So, everyone is excited and stressed about that news. Jonathan is slowly working his way to some sort of normalcy again. My mom bought him a couple pairs of drawstring pants and a couple of layering T-shirts to hide the blood on his back. They are planning an outing for today, so I am sure one of them will report on that later. Jonathan also got his phone reactivated, and he has the same phone number he had before and is on verizon. Jonathan is back as he said himself. He also got me in trouble on Saturday night, which is nothing new. We went to 8 West to use the computer and talk to the nurses, and as we were leaving, I said, "Jonathan do we need to tell anyone?" He answered, "No, it is fine." When we returned to the rehab unit, roughly two hours later, the nurse informed us that everyone was looking for Jonathan...they even called security. So, Jonathan is definetly back to his michievious self! After a month of dressing changed, wounds, walks, workouts, dilodizzle, late nights, lunches, American idol, grey's anatomy, visitors, and take-out dinners...I hated to say goodbye. He looks great, though, and many of his visitors were suprised by his good appearance! So, watch out Jonathan is strong and healing everyday.

Megan

Counting It Down (And a Hug Goodbye)

2005-06-01T11:53:00.000-07:00

Dad here - ghost blogging from Nashville after a visit to NYC for the Memorial Day Weekend. Lots of news, so buckle up.

On Friday, June 17, 2005, Jonathan is scheduled to be discharged from New York Presbyterian Hospital. Can you believe it? Of course, lots of things can happen in the next 16 days to change the schedule, but everyone seems to agree it's time to go home. Well, not to our real home just yet, just to our miniature home in NYC.

We can begin to think about the next phase - which includes lots of outpatient rehabilitation. The places and times are uncertain - but it is exciting to even consider the possibilities. On the other hand, we are apprehensive that Jonathan's care will now fall primarily on himself - and his faithful Mom. Sharon's newly acquired nursing skills - including (a) wound care, (b) pain management, (c)rehabilitation, and (d) other assorted duties - will be put to the test.

Jonathan has truly entered the healing stage. The skin grafts and donor sights are progressing nicely - but still have a ways to go. Jonathan's innovative insistence to reverse his sleeping direction in his "half-Clinitron" bed has worked marvelously to ease the pressure on his back. The plastic 10 pound dumbbells are no longer sufficient challenge for his upper body exercises. He was able to walk a couple of blocks to a nearby deli for a sandwich - without any assitance. Plans are to have "dinner on the town" this weekend with Hunter - accompanied by his tilting wheel chair which relieves the pressure on his back during long periods of sitting.

Don't be misled - many challenges remain. All of our lives have been changed forever. Inflexibility in the left hip may never allow Jonathan to put a sock or shoe on again (not that he did that much before). And the nerve damage to the left foot has rendered the toes nonresponsive for now. The list goes on, but suffice it to say we soliciit your ongoing prayers and support. Every time when things seemed impossible or unbearable, someone has lifted us. The presence and expression of your love has been marvelous to observe.

Monday evening as I prepared for the (13th) trip home from NYC, I gave Jonathan the usual - goodbye, I love you, one day at a time - speech and hug. Then, for the very first time upon my leaving, he rose from his wheelchair on his own power and gave me a bear hug. An emotional moment that signaled the possible end of a very dark phase of our lives.

sickness, pain meds, and a friday stroll

2005-05-29T16:12:00.000-07:00

neophyte blogger jonathan here. i apologize up front for any bad news trasmitted in my blog - those little annoyances just add up sometimes, and i can't help but guess they will slip from my fingers at some point.

friday afternoon the kim/bbq ribs virus struck me as it did my mother a few days ago. a fun, nearly sleepless night, full of those lovely viral excretions followed, with my faithful mother sitting by my side the entire night. so, no therapy for me yesterday and no food either. however, a day of bed rest, gatorade and iv fluids has greatly improved my lot and the old stomach is feeling a worthy vessel again - though a bit shaky.

with the iv back in and some achy fever, i've been once again getting dilodid, aka "vitamin d" or "dilodizzle," which definitely has eased the pain - pretty sure mom and megan are worried about the smile that iv drug always brings and my goofy outburts. their jests of addiction seem to be turning more and more serious - but i tell them i'm just enjoying what are probably my last doses of the only thing that makes me feel normal for a few hours and devoid of pain. i mean, a lot of people name a stuffed dog after their favorite pain medication, don't they?

seriously, the 100,000 open scrape-type wounds on my back are being driven crazy by the new half clinitron bed - the "ghetto clinitrizzle" - because of its plastic, so that's been my biggest frustration and most fervent prayer request of late. if my back would heal, i think life would get exponentially more enjoyable. seing its picasso scabbing in the mirror was a shock for me, as was the realization that my butt modelling career is finished - unless i just focus on being a "right cheeker" from now on.

dad is here for the weekend - a welcome companion and i know he's been a big help to mom and megan. nicole is missed, being down there in nashville, but i think the dogs are keeping her good company. i can't wait to see those two crazy puppies again soon (fingers crossed).

each day really runs the gambit of emotions for me - i usually have at least one moment when i hate life, my back, my left hip, or even a nurse; but then there is the converse: that moment when i can just look to the side and smile at my family, or experience a moment of progress tangibly. friday, (before the viral onslaught) my therapist walked outside with me a couple blocks, no wheelchair or cane "just in case;" we just went for a stroll. despite the fact that i had cut-off hospital scrubs on, leg stockings labelled in huge black letters, two different shoes, and a hospital gown on like a flowing cape, i still felt the most normal i have to date. i was just strolling up the streets of new york.

on another note, i've decided just to cut my body in half and discard the left side, seeing as how i now have a bad ear, a bum shoulder, an inflexible hip, and unmoving foot over there. figure i can just do without it - it's all about the profile anyway, right?

each day continues to dawn up here - my mom and i actually watched it happen saturday morning - and each night brings its blanket of darkness. my fuels for the future are the hopes for a couple of months forward and the knowledge that pain and suffering fade in memory, but their perspective can never be lost.

happy memorial day to all - excuse the goofiness - blame it on the pain medication :)

lots of izzle

2005-05-24T17:10:00.000-07:00

Nicole here from New York, where there is drizzle and icky, cold weather. It's been a sunshiney couple of days at the Pres, though, so cheers to happy Jonathans, no matter what the precipitation percentage.

Jonathan continues to enjoy the quiet rehab floor, and he is beginning a lot of PT and OT, doing things like practicing getting into cars and showers and such. The goal of all of this is to send him out into the world where he will walk on his miraculously-rescued own two feet again and manage daily tasks.

As always, the hot item for debate remains the Clinitron bed (if you have forgotten, it is a two thousand pound fluidizing machine, more in the boat family than the bed). J has affectionately named it the Clinitrizzle. Hanging from the bed is his trapizzle, from which Jonathan's arms are (not surprisingly) getting huge again. Good to see my brother hasn't lost his flair for muscularizing at the drop of a hat. I digress. The point is that J may or may not be out of the Clinitron at some point soon. They need to prepare him for getting in and out of a bed at home! Hard to believe the things of which we speak these days - it is certainly a far cry from surgery every Friday!

All that to say, things are moving along, Jonathan still has open wounds, and he bleeds a lot - both things are sometimes a cause for anxiety and frustration. However, J is handling this (as all things) with a smile and a gentle spirit. He continues to win over nurses and doctors with his kind and uncomplaining heart. Wish I could say the same for myself..

I was watching Jonathan look at himself in the mirror for the first time a couple of days ago. I found myself surprised by how surprised he was at the shape of his leg. I took comfort in my own surprise. Jonathan's leg just looks sort of normal to me now, and I am hoping that it will become the same for him, that he will embrace his new self and love it just as he has always embraced and loved himself for the important stuff, never for the surfacey stuff. I certainly don't care what his leg looks like, and, in fact, I regard it with a fair share of awe for all that it has survived and still come out kicking!

The bad news report is that Mom is out with the stomach flu as of today, and I am about to get on a plane for a job interview. It seems that something is always happening around here! Pray for Mom's health and her spirits, and for Megan as she takes charge of care for 2/5 of our family all on her own! Mom is a trooper, and I can only imagine that her homesickness will be severely exacerbated by a bout with the stomach flu!

As for myself, this is the first time I have left Jonathan in fourteen weeks. You can imagine that I left with tears today, and that I look forward to being back soon. The last three months seem more of a fog than anything else to me right now, so I am hoping that some time away will help me to process, pray, be with my dad, and re-energize to come back and be with Jonathan through the final week or two of rehab.

Hope this is helpful.

Blessings through the drizzle,
Nicole

Reflections on Moving

2005-05-22T20:36:00.000-07:00

As much as I hate to be the one to follow Jonathan, I think I am elected to catch everyone up on the current events at the Pres. Some of you have probably heard that Friday was moving day. After waiting all day Thursday to no avail, Friday about 5pm we packed up our belongings and moved upstairs to what they call "Baker 17", the rehab hospital at NYPH.

This move is a step forward for Jonathan in terms of recovery, but it is definitely a change and produces anxiety for an array of reasons. I admit I was probably more anxious than Jonathan as I have become dependant on the competent and compassionate staff on 8 West and did not want to leave our little cocoon of safety until I was sure Jonathan's wounds were healed. He is definitely ready physically and mentally for rehab, but still has several open wounds and fragile grafts to contend with. While the reahab staff seems capable, they are clearly not specifically trained in or accustomed to wound care. I was very thankful for the exposure and tutoring (by Dr. B himself) on how to do the wound care as I had to coach the nurse yesterday. Our entire family, Jonathan included, has had a crash course in nursing care and have become very adept at taking care of Jonathan.

Although Friday evening and Saturday were quite stressful, today brought some peace of mind when Dr. G, one of the Burn Fellows, and nurse Andrew came for a look-see. I forgot to mention that Jonathan had to have a little emergency surgery Friday morning for an ingrown toenail. Dr. G performed this simple but very painful procedure and wanted to check out his work as well as assess Jonathan's wounds. Needless to say, their visit and assurance that all was well brought tremendous relief to all involved. Before the end of the day, Jonathan had two more visitors from 8 West just making sure all was okay with him. They all assured us that someone from the Burn unit would check on Jonathan each day because he is "in all of their hearts."

Please forgive the ramblings, but so much has happened it is hard to leave anything out. In so many ways, God paved a smooth path for our family last week when it could have been such a difficult week. We were able to share Nicole's day with her as she graduated from Columbia on a beautiful NYC day. Afterwards, it was a sweet time together at the hospital as Jonathan was able to be up and out in the waiting room with us as we celebrated with lunch and cake and friends. Scott Owings was here to be with Jonathan while we did graduation activities, and Trina Gehl and Kim Ewing joined us on Wednesday for lunch and to spend a few days helping in various ways. I had worried that the move to rehab would interfere, but it all worked out just fine.

The next thing I was worried about (yes, I have a problem) was the move and how it would affect Jonathan. When we got up to Baker 17, we were swept into a small private room with a closet and a private bathroom-this was no ICU unit. It is even painted a color, a pretty one. No more sterile white walls (well decorated though they were), no more lovely yellow hospital gowns and blue caps each time we go in to see Jonathan, AND, we can use cell phones in the room! When I inquired as to how we managed to get a private room, they said it was the luck of the draw, but I think it was another one of those miracles. We kind of feel like we are in the Hilton, but not quite as the Clinitron bed went with us, or rather Jonathan went in it! Jonathan still passes his days and nights in the Clinitron except when they get him up for therapy. He is eagerly awaiting his release as it will afford him much more freedom of movement. He needs the bed for now to dry out his open wounds and prevent any breakdown from pressure.

Our daily schedules will change now as Jonathan will be busy doing therapy mornings and afternoons. We can visit from 12-1 and from 4-9:30 on weekdays with the weekends being a lttle more flexible. They assure us he will be very tired from the increased activity and won't miss us at night, but it will be an adjustment as we have staying with him until he falls asleep around midnight. This scedule will begin tomorrow and I have to admit this is going to be hard for me. One of the only things that has made this bearable is knowing we can be there with him to provide him comfort in any way we can. I will miss being with him.

Jonathan's friend Shannon paid a surprise visit last week and having not seen him for about 4 weeks was overjoyed to see his progress. She arrived just in time to witness his morning walk and as he had an audience, he did show off a little!
As I stood by Jonathan's window the last night he spent in 8 West reflecting upon our time spent there, I too was overjoyed to be at this point. I can hardly stand to think about those early days when we feared for his life. It is overwhelming to say the least when we think about the many sugeries, procedures, etc... he has undergone. The nurses continue to tell us that Jonathan must have great genes as he has healed so well and so quickly. Good genes may be part of it but I know prayer has been the biggest part. Prayer and Jonathan's perseverance, patience, and will to get well. Even today, with no PT's on duty Jonathan did his own therapy, insisting that he walk down the hall (he is not supposed to walk without a PT), and even lifting his cane as he went while Nicole and I hovered around. The look on his face is one of determination to push himself to get out of this place.

We have set some goals to bring him home for a visit and solicit your prayers to make this happen. We all want to come home right now-badly. I believe the next 4 weeks may present the greatest challenge for Jonathan and the thought of a visit home may sustain him and us during the toughest times.

Nicole will come to Nashville for a couple of weeks soon-to interview for jobs and be with her Dad. For now Megan is here with Jonathan and I and spending many nights with Jonathan on the night shift. Her arrival has been a comfort and help for those of us here and Jonathan always brightens when one of his sisters are around.

The plan is for Jonathan to be in the rehab unit for the next 4 weeks. After this he will be in outpatient therapy and we have no idea what that looks like. Thankfully, our little apartment should suffice as a place for us to stay during that time. After this, we don't know. I think that is the hardest thing-the not knowing aspect of this whole experience. We have literally had to learn to live day by day, something I have never been good at. I personally make it through each day by the grace of God. This is by far the hardest thing I have ever had to do.

Thanks for the continued love and prayers-we miss you all.

Jonathan's new address is:

New York Presbyterian Hospital
Attn: Jonathan Shaub
Baker 17, Room #1732
525 East 68th Street
New York, New York 10021

Blessings to all,
Mom

a new direction

2005-05-18T09:28:00.000-07:00

although part of me has been reluctant just because i'm not sure exactly what to say, i have now officially joined the swelling entity my accident created known simply as "the blog." after reading over some of the first week blogs - dad, mom, nicole, megan, joey, hunter, carrie all with their individual talents - and all of the comments, i have to admit i was awestruck by the amount of response and its sheer width; i couldn't believe how many people were reading and responding and in so short a time span. not to mention, i enjoyed reading about my unconcious antics from that time. i bascially have no memory of the accident or the following drama, but i do have some quite vivid recollections of gang members pursuing me, ice men, and nurses attacking me (literally) with feeding tubes (they were in on it too).

as far as the present, each day comes and goes and brings its share of joys, sadness, pain, and progress. two days ago i used a foot bike while seated in my wheelchair that i couldn't even get my feet into a week ago due to limited flexibility: progress. yet, every day my wounds tend to bleed a little, my donor site on my back causes me continual discomfort, and the remaining deep wound seems to be taking longer to heal. while i feel more and more normal each day, sometimes feeling as if i could just jump out of bed and sprint around the hospital with a frisbee in hand, i also feel more and more frustrated because of my limitations: a true double-edged sword. like a child with candy - the more normalcy i acquire, the more i yearn for. i am eagerly anticipating my move upstairs to rehab - the increased action will be welcome, but i also realize it will be the toughest time of my life. because i don't have a memory of the accident, i think my mind lacks a cause for my current disability and i'm confused at times... i shouldn't be this way. however, i also have accepted and realized that i am this way right now, and now is the time to change it; now is the time to work myself out of this disability and into some form of my "normal self."

i can walk about 500 ft now, sans cane, walker, or anything, and even stood on one foot at a time yesterday for awhile. as my ambulatory abilities return, i realize more and more that flexibility in my left leg will probably be my biggest hindrance, due to the ossification. it's definitely strange to tap my left "cheek" and feel solid bone, and it doesn't make walking, or stairs for that matter, very easy, but we are working with it.

i don't want to ramble on wildly, but i did want to say "thank you," despite the common fatuity of the words when compared to what i feel. i could literally dive into the cards i have received and swim, like scrooge mcduck and his money, and they are just as valuable to me. i feel the compassionate and prayerful words showering me and my family continuously as we trudge through these times.
nicole graduated yesterday and today (she's so special she gets two graduations, or maybe it's just a columbia thing - we all know the type) and scott owing stayed with me and enjoyed watching vonzelle rock american idol (get outta town, bo). hopefully i will be graduating in the very near future - as early as tomorrow and as late as monday or tuesday.

speaking of transitions, one card i received contained a magnet that said, "sometimes a change of direction can make life more interesting," and that's my current outlook. in james it says woe to those who say they will be in such in such city for the next years and do these certain things, for their life is only a vapor and we know not what will happen in the next days. i never expected to get into a battle royale with an 18-wheeler and i never planned to spend three months in a hospital bed. i was supposed to be teaching, tutoring, and enjoying the delights of the greatest city in the world before i headed off to oxford in the fall. however, although my direction has been unalterably shifted, life has new challenges for me now and new delights. i've learned how delicious water can be, how precious a bend in my knee or single step feels, and how vaporous my life truly is. it is pretty interesting after all - i've even acquired a thorough knowledge of pain medications :)

i'll stop this runaway blog now, but i will update again in the future. my life has changed, but i try everyday - through the tears, boredom, frustration, joys, bad food, and progresses - to embrace my new direction and enjoy its fruits of both suffering and renewed appreciation. love to you all

jonathan david shaub

A Blog for the Bloggers....

2005-05-15T20:49:00.000-07:00

Well, here it is, my turn to blog. During our trip here to visit Joey, we were able to come up and see Jonathan and his family twice. I am, as I type, sitting here in his room with David and Sharon, Joey, Dennis, Julie Workman and Melissa Higgins (two of our friends). I am hestitant to Blog as it really really IS intimidating, but I know that when others came here, I longed for some news, and so here I am.
Jonathan looks great. They say he has put on a few more pounds recently and he looks nice and healthy. Wanting to help him with his quest to pack on some extra Lbs, We, (me, Dennis, Joey and Melissa) brought a homemade Baked Ziti, filled with protein laden cheese and sausage. (I know, I know, "WHAT?" you say, "Vegetarians cooking sausage???" .....but THIS was for JD!!) I watched him eat a huge portion, and he either liked it, or is a really good liar. It made me feel so good to be able to be a part of his recovery.

Now for the current "Jonathan" news from the Pres....
Jonathan continues to walk twice a day without his cane and is continuing his physical therapy. His grafts are healing well, but still have a bit to go. The plan is to discharge him from the burn unit and move him up to acute rehab here at the Pres.
OK, I have just been busted by the nurse for using the in room computer, (even tho, I got the OK from David....) and I have to close.

Keep the prayers, love and cards coming. Everyone here appreciates it all so much.

thinking of you all,
ginge

Jonathan Keeps on Walking

2005-05-14T12:00:00.000-07:00

IT'S SATURDAY MORNING IN NEW YORK AND SINCE I'M LEAVING THIS AFTERNOON I THOUGHT I'D SEND AN UPDATE. DAVID ARRIVED A FEW HOURS AGO AND PLANS TO STAY FOR SEVERAL DAYS. HE'LL BE HERE FOR NICOLE'S GRADUATION (WAY TO GO NICOLE!). SHE WILL HAVE HER MASTERS DEGREE FROM COLUMBIA. SHE HAS NO FIRM PLANS YET FOR WHAT SHE'LL DO NEXT BUT I'M SURE THAT WILL BE DECIDED SOON.

IT'S PROBABLY NO SURPRISE TO THOSE OF YOU WHO KNOW JONATHAN THAT HE IS NOW WALKING WITHOUT A CANE DOWN THE LONG HOSPITAL HALLWAY. YESTERDAY HE WALKED ONE WAY WITHOUT A CANE AND BACK WITH THE CANE. TODAY HE WALKED BOTH WAYS WITHOUT A CANE. EVERYDAY HE PUSHES HIMSELF TO DO MORE. IT IS SUCH A BLESSING TO SEE.

IN MY LAST BLOG I ENCOURAGED YOU ALL TO SEND CARDS AND LETTERS. I'D LIKE TO AGAIN ENCOURAGE THAT. IT'S SOMETHING VERY SIMPLE BUT SO VERY IMPORTANT TO JONATHAN. HE LOVES TO HEAR FROM HIS FRIENDS. FOR THE PRESENT HIS ADDRESS IS:
NEW YORK PRESBYTERIAN HOSPITAL
ATTN: JONATHAN SHAUB, #426
GREENBERG PAVILION, 8 WEST
525 E. 68TH STREET
NY, NY 10021

HE WILL MOVE WITHIN THE NEXT FEW WEEKS TO A REHAB UNIT. WE WILL LET YOU KNOW WHEN THAT HAPPENS AND GIVE YOU HIS NEW ADDRESS.

THANKS AGAIN FOR ALL YOU PRAYERS AND ENCOURAGEMENT. IT IS SO SUSTAINING FOR EVERYONE.

LOVE,
JENNIFER

Aunt Jenny has Finally Arrived!

2005-05-12T10:07:00.000-07:00

Hello from New York,

This is Jonathan's Aunt "Jenny" or Jennifer. It's a pleasure for me to finally be here in New York. For those of you who don't know me, I am another one of Sharon's sisters (there are four of us girls) and the last to be able to visit due to my recent treatments for breast cancer. Those treatments have kept me rather homebound for the past six months but they are finally over and things are looking good! That's probably more than you wanted to hear about me. Now for news about Jonathan.

When I got here Tuesday morning the first thing I saw was a smiling Jonathan walking down the long hallway using only a cane. What an exciting moment for me and for him! He's done that for the past three days now. He's also been doing physical therapy in the little gym here on the floor. They have him doing all kinds of exercises to strengthen his muscles. In usual Jonathan form he puts all his energy and focus into doing the best he can. According to Sharon his muscles have grown substantially over the past few weeks due to a diet high in protein and lots of hard work. He looks great! For the past few days we have also been able to wheel him outside and sit in the sunshine for about 30 minutes. His hospital room is a no cell phone zone so yesterday he took the opportunity outside to call his dad and some of his buddies. It was fun to see him laughing and enjoying talking with them.

The doctors are beginning to look to the future and rehab. They say that sometime soon (there's a big question mark as to what that means - probably a few weeks) Jonathan will be able to move to inpatient rehab. Before they move him his wounds must be healed completely and they aren't yet so that's why nobody knows for sure when that will be. But, in New York you have to apply to three different rehab hospitals. Of course they will apply to the unit at New York Pres but they also must apply to two more hospitals so yesterday Sharon and I went to visit one. It is about thirty blocks from here on the East Side of the city. The people there were very nice and it is highly recommended. We hope he can stay here at New York Pres but if not this would be a good alternative.

One of Jonathan's highlights of the day is reading his mail so keep the cards coming. He got two more Penguin cards yesterday. We still haven't figured that out! Please keep praying,too. I know that God is and has been listening. He is so good and faithful. This is a long, hard road and there are many hills and valleys along the way. Jonathan is running a difficult race and we just need to keep cheering him along the way. I see that more than ever after being here.

Many thanks to all of you!

Love,
Jennifer

giggles again

2005-05-06T23:33:00.000-07:00

I stepped out for a few minutes while Jonathan is having his dressing changed. I was reading over the blog comments, and they have brought me to tears. Thank you (bloggers and other-method-of-encouragers) for your compassionate words.

Jonathan's fever is down, probably thanks to some meds. So nobody seems too worried about further complications. Despite many aches and pains, he managed to get up today and walk (with his walker) all they way to the physical therapy gym without stopping. After the relief of the fever's breaking, I am thankful most of all for Jonathan's being able to get up and feel that this was not a huge setback. Though still tired and achy, he seems to be in beter spirits tonight.

As proof, tonight Jonathan accused me of feeding him in a most ridiculous fashion. I am not exactly sure what utensil he wanted me to use for the brownie...but he made fun of me for quite some time for using a fork:) Mom finally had to step in and give us a little finger-wagging for teasing each other. So we've had a few giggles again. I can't wait until Megan and Dad get back, so that we can all joke around together.

Taking in the manna for today, and trusting tomorrow's will come,
Nicole

A Bump in the Road

2005-05-05T23:30:00.000-07:00

Dear faithful friends and family,

Today has been a difficult day in NYC. After many days of small victories, today Jonathan had a small setback.

When I walked through the door of Jonathan's room this morning, I immediately knew something wasn't right. Jonathan was very flushed and had a pained expression on his face. I felt that old familiar fear well up in me as I asked him what was wrong. His response, "I am not feeling well", only increased my unease. I didn't have to ask the nurse to take his temperature to know he had an elevated one, but I did anyway. We discovered Jonathan was running a rather high temperature-approximately 104. Needless to say, I imagined the worst.

Jonathan's surgeon was to examine him this morning and decide if he would do a little more surgery tomorrow. I was more at ease knowing that he would be there to check things out. He did not find any infection with the wounds, which was my worst fear.
There will be no more surgery for now, as Dr. B decided to let Jonathan's remaining wounds heal up on their own. This will take a little longer and will mean he will stay in the ICU Burn unit a couple of more weeks. I don't think this is such a bad option as it means no more surgery (donor sites) to recover from. When Jonathan's wounds close completely, he will be ready for acute rehab and we are unsure of which facility he will end up in. We do know it will be here in NYC.

For now, there are still no obvious explanations for the fever. The staff here believes he may have contracted the flu during his outings, but we won't know for sure until all of the test results come in. It has been a tough complication for him as it has caused him great pain, suffering, and discouragement today. After so many days of taking steps forward today he was unable to even get out of bed.

Please pray that the pain and fever subsides tomorrow as quickly as it spiked today. Pray that Jonathan can resume his PT as yesterday he took a few steps on his own without any support!
Frankly, we need your prayers against discouragement and for strength and energy to encourage and care for Jonathan. As I sat by Jonathan today, holding his hand and trying to find some small offering of comfort I wished with all my being that I was the one lying in that bed. If I could take this cross from him, I gladly would.

Hopefully, tomorrow will be a better day and Jonathan will once again be taking literal "steps" toward recovery.

Love to all,
Mom

rolling right along

2005-05-03T16:46:00.000-07:00

I just thought I would take a moment and briefly post a report for the last week.

Things have been a bit whirlwindish here in New York. First, Mom was able to go home for the weekend, while Dad came up here. They literally passed each other in the air yesterday. I admire their dedication to Jonathan and to each other as they just keep doing what needs to be done, always with hopeful and faithful spirits.

Most importantly, Jonathan has been progressing rapidly! One of the reasons that we have not blogged is that we keep hoping Jonathan will blog...but he does not seem quite ready. Basically, Jonathan has walked every day since the last blog. Yesterday, he climbed a small step! Today, he graduated to a wheelchair instead of a cardiac chair! It seems that each new day also holds a new advance for Jonathan.

Now, our days revolve around Jonathan's morning walk and PT, and, afterwards, we have begun eating lunch outside in the waiting room, where Jonathan sits in his chair and gets a change of scenery, and sometimes checks his email or takes a phone call. He cannot stay out too long, but he has also managed to get some sunshine on his face, and he will continue to do so as the weather gets warmer. Though his wounds are not ready to leave the ICU, Jonathan's spirit and muscles are really preparing for rehab. I wish that all of you could see his smile, which appears so often and so winningly these days.

I am finishing up exams, but I thought we should at least let people know that Jonathan is doing well, continuing to progress, and walking a few more steps every day.

Nicole

First Steps

2005-04-27T23:25:00.000-07:00

I am here doing the night shift at the Pres with my dear friend, Nuna, who traveled all the way from Charleston, S.C. to be with me this week. We met and became the best of friends in high school and continue to be friends to this day. She has truly blessed me by being here and we have had a few laughs together just like in the old days.

I have news I want to share with all of you who faithfully follow Jonathan's progress. I must confess that my eyes are full of tears as I write to tell you that Jonathan took his first steps today! The joy we felt when Jonathan took his first steps at 8 months cannot compare with the joy I felt today to see my son supported by the PT's but propelling himself forward down the hall with the aid of a walker. The plan had been to stand him up today, and I must confess that I was even skeptical of that. Once they successfully got Jonathan on his feet, one of the therapists decided he might could take a few steps-and so he did. The smile on Jonathan's face was so joyous that I had to contain my emotions or I would have completely lost control. This is a "banner day for Jonathan" in the words of one of the doctors. Everyone came out to watch him and cheer him on. It was truly a SWEET moment.
Tomorrow, the plan is to have him up walking again, once in the morning and once in the afternoon. There will be no slacking allowed! I no longer doubt anything they tell me he will do.

After his adventure, they tucked Jonathan into his cardiac chair and I wheeled him into the waiting room to have a picnic lunch (compliments of Scott Owing's sister) of chicken and dumplings and to use the computer a little for the first time. A fun time was had by all.

As you can see, my emotions are running a little high. The past couple of weeks have been difficult for me as I am just so tired of watching Jonathan battle to get better. Sometimes, it is very difficult for me to understand this whole situation. I needed to see some hope in Jonathan's eyes. Now, my heart is full and I cannot wait for the rest of the family to witness what I did today. I have a renewed hope for the weeks to come. Even though we have a long way to go, Jonathan has the hope that he will walk again. Praise God for his goodness and blessing.

Mom

PS (Those of you in Charleston need to ask Nuna about our take-out adventure when she returns home.)

jonathan's jailbreak

2005-04-25T14:21:00.000-07:00

this is mel (a Nicole/Jonathan vandyfriend) reporting with some covert ops from the secret service department of "getting jonathan out of his posh corner room and into the world". that's right, your eyes doth not deceive you, this has been a day of wonderment and field trips - thanks to the tenacity and adventurous look in jonathan's eye, our hero of a nurse, Eugene, successfully wielded his Italian stallion power to get jonathan out of his schwanky airbed and into a rolling (and fully adjustable) "cardiac chair" (according to sharon's incredible medical knowledge, we now finally understand that this has something to do with "the heart", thanks for that breakthrough). So as Nicole and I stepped off the elevator to the 8th floor en route to the room of suiting up with our fashionista choices of yellow surgical gowns and blue bouffant caps (coming soon to a runway near you), we were ambushed instead by the impish (and mischievous) breakout squad - Jonathan was out of his bed and had been exploring the world outside of the "princess suite"! and a wonderful world it is. with his newfound power, he managed to score himself a gatorade from the hospital vending machine and polish it off in record time while enjoying the comfort of the waiting room ESPN adventures. Next stop - the hospital courtyard (when it gets a little warmer outside). if you need an indelible mental picture: jonathan, king of the burn unit, being deftly maneuvered through the halls of the 8th floor flanked by not 1, but 3 luscious ladies (Nicole, Mrs.Shaub and I were barely containing our exuberant spirits and less-exuberant steering skills)

I can't tell you what a picture of healing and hope it was to see jonathan's bright eyes soaking up this world outside of his room. And the next few days promise to bring more exciting adventures, shaubie style, so stay tuned for chapter 2: the hospital heartbreaker returns to his former floor to remind the nurses of his jonathan charm, and chapter 3: breakout to the gelato joint.

in all seriousness, though, it's been a great and encouraging weekend, and jonathan's progress is continuing to improve daily. he is greatly enjoying his personal DVD player and has been racing through the local blockbuster selection. his view of the 59th street left me feelin' groovy a la simon and garfunkel in the monday sun (after a weekend of gray and rain). one more month in the ICU is starting to finally look like an unwavering light at the end of a long tunnel. jonathan is just finishing up his afternoon dressing change and a hot date with the effervescent Dr.Bauer, so Nicole and I are about to head back to our yellow gowns of high fashion. Stay tuned in the next few days for more tales of espionage and escape...

from the 8th floor waiting room,
mel

Tilt-a-Torture

2005-04-22T23:00:00.000-07:00

Hello from the 8 West waiting room at the Pres. David and I are hanging out here while Jonathan has his evening dressing change. When the nurse finishes, she will come to get us so that we can sit with Jonathan until he goes to sleep. This has been our nightly ritual for as long as we have been here. Tonight is an early night as some nights it is past midnight when we leave. It is well worth it to whomever has the night shift if this relieves any anxiety Jonathan may have and enables him to sleep.

As I speculated in my previous blog, our daily schedule has begun to change. I thought you might be interested to hear about Jonathan's progress with this new routine.

We have now officially entered the rehab phase as Jonathan's doctor has given the okay for the PT's to begin to work their magic. Although Jonathan still has many restrictions, he is finally able to MOVE a little! Each morning he undergoes a very complicated process to get him onto what he has named the "Tilt-a-Torture" table. Because he cannot bend at the waist or have much hip flexion, they have to put him on this table and then tilt him to a semi-standing position. To describe how they make this happen would take too long, but suffice it to say it is difficult at the least. Once "tilted" Jonathan is then put through a multitude of exercises to begin his rehabilitation. It is a little like a carnival as Jonathan does the ring toss, darts, and ball toss. What they will thing of next remains to be seen. We have had a few laughs, especially when Jonathan "accidently" hit Nicole with the tennis ball instead of the target. Today, Jonathan was moved to a new bed, only to be moved back again as the hard surface was too painful for him. Frankly, I like the Clinitron bed and wish I had one myself. He let out a big sigh of relief the minute he was back in the Clinitron. This bed just makes so much difference in his pain level.

I have to say these PT's are remarkable, caring people. They genuinely care about Jonathan's progress and cheer him on to success. The going will be very slow and painful, but at least it has begun. I am not sure I can explain to you how I feel as I watch Jonathan's focus and determination-it is almost a painful thing to see. The next step is to get him in a chair and wheel him outside.

The surgeon checked Jonathan's grafts and wounds yesterday and informed us that he would be in the Burn ICU at least another month. Jonathan still has some pretty significant wounds that must heal. The grafts are looking very good, beautiful, in fact (to quote the surgeon). We feel so very grateful for the skill of these competent and compassionate surgeons. I have to attribute Jonathan's progress not only to the doctors but to the wonderful nursing staff that cares for him daily. I can never say enough how wonderful they are. Their excellent care is the main reason he is healing.

Where we go from here is still up in the air. We are praying he can continue to rehab at this hospital, but we won't know that for awhile.

Monday, after Jonathan was "tilted", he and I shared a Dr. Pepper toast (thanks to the Hoopers). It was a "kodak" moment for me.
While this is a positive step for us, things are still very difficult. The road behind us was fraught with dangers overcome, but the road ahead will be long and bumpy. Please remember us in your prayers.

There are so many things I could include, but the dressing is done and I need to go tell Jonathan good night. My friends Lisa Bruce and Marlene Butler were here this week and basically ran every errand I could think of so I am well supplied. The apartment is beginning to feel like home so we have a place where we can relax.
We do have one problem that we can't seem to solve. This will make no sense to anyone except "Mr. Penquin." WHO ARE YOU? We have all tried to figure out your secret identity, but I give up! Your cards have highly entertained us and been the topic of much speculation!

We love and miss you all,

MOM

tilting slowly

2005-04-19T23:08:00.000-07:00

Quick report on J tonight.

They did indeed "stand" Jonathan up yesterday and today. Basically, this entails laying him on a plank sort of thing (a rotatable bed, of sorts) and tilting him into a standing position until he feels too dizzy. Then they do it again.

Yesterday was very painful and disorienting, but today was better. Jonathan has been able to put a little weight on his feet, so we are hopeful for more progress to come. The physical therapists plan to stand J up every day now. We have certainly entered a new phase!

The doctors tell us that J will be here in ICU for a good while longer, due to the fact that he still has some open wounds that need to close on their own. We continue to covet prayers for patience, endurance, and hope.

Goodnight from the Big Apple,
Nicole

Progress

2005-04-17T23:04:00.000-07:00

I am waiting to tell Jonathan "goodbye" before heading back to Nashville. It has been good to sit/talk with Jonathan, Sharon, David and Nicole and finally have a visual to all the pictures painted in the words of these "blogs".

Today was a good day for Jonathan. It started with the daily "cleaning" of his wounds, but due to infection, involved lancing the wound on his lower left calf to assist the healing process. Jonathan was under anesthesia for this proceedure and was asleep for most of the morning. However, once he woke up the doctors decided to go ahead and remove his "trach" freeing Jonathan of yet another device attached to his body. According to the nurses this will heal rather quickly and provide him with addtional freedom. Tomorrow the doctors are planning to attempt to move Jonathan to a "standing" (yet to be defined) position. Understandably, Jonathan is anxiously anticipating this event; not quite sure what it will reveal or the pain level he will experience. Without doubt, your prayers are requested and encouraged.

I anxiously await the next opportuity to sit with Jonathan and be impressed (yet again) with how far he has come and the progress he has made on this journey.

It will be good to be home, but it is hard to leave. However, there is peace is knowing that he is surrounded by friends, family and his GOD.

Jamon

a time of silver rain

2005-04-14T23:05:00.000-07:00

I was reading a Langston Hughes poem last night about a time of silver rain, and how within the silver rain, life comes. I like that image of silver rain, and (though the weather here has actually been sunny and gorgeous) I have been thinking of silver rain all day. It feels kind of like the place to which we have come this week. Somehow more gentle, more implicative of hope or beauty, and holding the promise of new life.

All that to say that the nurses and doctors took down Jonathan's dressing yesterday to uncover a skin graft that has thus far taken almost-perfectly. Yes, re-read that sentence. GOOD NEWS! There is still a possibility that all of the graft will not take, and undoubtedly there will be setbacks again. But for today, we embrace the good news. Jonathan has to lie flat and still until Monday, which is dreadful for him. BUT. On Monday they will move him to a new bed, and maybe even tilt him up to an almost-standing position. He can begin the next phase of his recovery if all continues to go well.

You can imagine the tears of joy shed by Mom, Mary, and I as we received the good news from the nurse yesterday, and the joy of my dad and sister as they got hopeful phone calls from us. Praise God!

Jonathan is still flat in bed, but his spirits are picking up. Tonight when Mom quite confidently told the nurse that she thinks she could change Jonathan's dressing herself by now (she's been watching lately), Jonathan looked at her and said, "I think you are getting a little too big for that robe, Mom." Ha! We all just looked at Mom, so gracefully wearing her required ICU robe and hat, boasting about her abilities to dress wounds, and had a good laugh (Mom included).

Aunt Mary is here by our sides once again, and I have finished another week of school obligations. After a sweet, refreshing time this evening with my fellowship group here in NY for the first time in two months, I am contentedly looking forward to a quiet couple of hours with Jonathan tonight. I offer thanks to God for the manna provisions for this week, for the miracles that yesterday brought, and just simply for my brother. Seems like life was created for these kind of pure, silver moments.

Blessings,
Nicole

Spring Training

2005-04-12T14:30:00.000-07:00

It is a beautiful day here in NYC. Outside of Jonathan's window, the East River beautifully reflects the sun's rays giving me a renewed sense of hope. Today is a much better day than yesterday, peaceful and uneventful so far. Jonathan's pain level is lower than it has been since he has been here, so we rejoice in that.

Last night as I prepared to leave the hospital (Nicole had the night shift), I had a quiet conversation with Jonathan about the days to come. We talked about the probable scenerio barring any further complications. Jonathan was a little groggy, so I wasn't really sure if he heard everything I was saying. Sometimes his eyes are closed but he is listening to every word. Evidently he was listening this time because he responded by saying, "This will be like Spring Training in football, it will be my own personal two-a-days." For those of you who coach, this should help you see the influence you have in the lives of young people. Sometime in the next few days, Jonathan, with the help of his physical therapists, will begin his Spring Training, relying on the life lessons learned from his coaches, family, and friends. The PT's cannot wait to finally be able to get him up and moving-they just await the go ahead from the docs. I suspect his room will become a mini gym and he will work harder than he ever dreamed possible. This time, he isn't fighting for playing time, but for survival.

Jonathan also shared with me last night that this has been the hardest stretch for him mentally. Lying immobile for five days while in such pain is torture. He also thinks a lot about the graft and whether it will take. The thought of going through this again is more than he can bear. I spent some time this morning looking through Jonathan's cards and reading aloud to him the ones from former coaches. I somehow thought this might get him in the mindset for what is to come.

Tomorrow will be a big day-a busy one to say the least. The dressing from the graft will come down and we will know what the chances are that it took. The ankle was taken down yesterday and looks perfect. I was allowed, for the first time, to be present for this and the dressing change. I guess they decided I had seen everything else and I assured them I was not squeamish. I thought I understood what Jonathan endures, but have a whole new appreciation after actually witnessing the procedure.

Please continue to pray as these prayers and your continued words of encouragement sustain us.

Sharon

week eight

2005-04-11T18:15:00.000-07:00

As we near the two-month anniversary of the oil truck fiasco, Jonathan continues to heal.

The weekend was a bit of a greuling one for Jonathan in terms of pain. After such wonderful improvement and an almost rowdy birthday, Jonathan came back from surgery on Friday in intense pain. He is immobilized (banned from moving) for five days, until we know if the graft takes. If the graft takes, we will certainly begin a new phase of this treatment. (If not, we may all have to hole up and despair for a few days.) The good news is that the pain is decreasing every day, in both his donor sites and the graft. Literally, he just has to get through two more days before he (and we) can begin to hope in a whole new way, if all goes as planned.

Jonathan aspirated this morning, which means that he got some fluid in his lungs. Though he and Mom had a bit of a scare, he seems to be okay, albeit more tired than normal. The doctors seem to think everything looks good still, so we all breathed a little sigh of relief upon hearing that.

I must say that the weekend was brightened considerably by the stream of visitors through Jonathan's room. Beginning on Jonathan's birthday, we have had a series of loving, lovely visitors, includnig the coaches who came and stayed Thurs night. Jonathan's girlfriends from VU (Mel, Taya, Kristin, and Emily) also came for the entire weekend and made J the envy of the unit with their warm smiles and their Nashville goodies! We got a pleasantly surprising visit from Sara Handy (Joey's sister) as well, in addition to a student of J's and his boss here in NY. Though Jonathan is not always able to sustain long visits or conversations with all of these visitors, I know that the fresh energy and overwhelming care of these people has buoyed him in a way that we cannot. As he said to me once, "I can fall asleep when you are here, but not when there is somebody here who I have to talk to." :) Last night, Jim and Merritt entertained Jonathan - he was telling me today that they were watching Groundhog Day together and commenting on our own repetitive lifestyle for the last two months. I wish I could have been there, but I confess that I took advantage of all of the visitors to recharge my batteries away from the hospital (mainly by means of a thirty-page paper). Anyway, my deepest gratitude to the people who cheered (and gloriously fed) J and the rest of us through kind of a tough weekend.

Megan and Dad have returned home, and they are missed sorely by Mom, Jonathan, and I. But we continue to look forward to a time when we can all be reunited around the old table at Granny White Pike. For now, it was sweet to sing Happy Birthday and eat too much cake together, even if the time was too short.

We have all hit personal breaking points here and there, as this event continues to plod on. However, as a wise preacher preached yesterday, we continue to fix our eyes and press on, to do the next thing, and to cling to the hope that there is a power greater than us which is making both sense and glory out of this time.

Love and blessings to all the many places from which your prayers, support, and friendships come,

Nicole

A Light at the End of the Tunnel

2005-04-08T23:44:00.000-07:00

As I know everyone is anxious to hear about Jonathan's surgery today, I will get straight to that. Jonathan went into surgery at about 8 this morning and came out close to 3 o'clock....so he went through an extremely long surgery today, but it was worth it. Dr. Bauer expects this to be the last surgery for awhile, and he hopefully completed the grafting process. Almost all of Jonathan's wound is closed up except for a small cavity that must heal itself from the inside out. He found some infection in the lower calf muscle that he had to remove, so this will need a little time to heal on it's own. Jonathan's wound is covered with a vac dressing that minimizes the dressings changes for the next few days. His back was the donor site for this skin graft, so he is suffering from a lot of pain really everywhere but his arms. He woke up in some of the most pain he has experienced through this whole process, and he has remained in a lot of pain all day. It is so hard to watch him suffer, but easier knowing the pain should lessen from this point on. In fact, Dr. Bauer expects the pain from the graft to be gone by Monday!! Jonathan said today, through his pain, that he now sees a light at the end of the tunnel, and I think we all are starting to.

Now I am going to backtrack a little and explain what we have been doing the past 24 hrs or so... First of all, we have had several visitors this weekend. Coach Mac, Coach Pickens, and Coach Milson all arrived yesterday afternoon. As they entered Jonathan's room with their long yellow gowns and poofy hats, my mom noticed Jonathan's eyes growing larger with each second, and she had to assure him that this was not a hallucination at all! Most important was "the box" that arrived safe and sound in the able hands of the coaches. This box was a treasure chest of birthday wishes coordinated and entrusted to the coaches by Libby Simons, the guidance counselor of DLHS. We were all overwhelmed by the love and encouragement the contents of this box brought. A HUGE thanks to all of you who had a part! The coaches did a wonderful job getting this present to NYC intact. After this, Jonathan enjoyed some homemade roast, bananna poundcake, and chocolate cake for his birthday, as he opened his wonderful cards and gifts. He was especially amazed at the portable DVD player some of his Vandy friends sent to him...I believe he called it "AMAZING." Jonathan was feeling pretty good last night, and I wonder if a nurse slipped him a little extra medication in honor of his big day?? Next some of his friends from Vandy came, Melanie, Emily, Taya, Kristin, and Jack, and Jonathan sat and visited with them along with Joey and Nicole for awhile. My parents and Jonathan's friends left, so the coaches offered to stay and keep me company until Jonathan's dressing change was over...during that time I think they also convinced Jonathan's nurse, Megan, to move to the Nashville!! So, we stayed with Jonathan until he was out for the night and returned home to get some sleep.

Now, I have to admit I slept through most of the early morning events because I knew Jonathan was in surgery, but I hear that I missed a pretty exciting morning. The three coaches brought a bag full of bags to pack some of Jonathan's stuff and take it to Nashville for us. So, they spent the morning with my mom packing up J's extra things into several large bags...and hauling these enormous bags around NYC!! Then, they returned to the hospital only to leave again to get lunch for all of us! We sat around the table waiting for J to return from surgery, eating lunch, and enjoying visiting with friends from home. Jonathan came back from surgery just in time for he coaches to tell him good-bye and that they loved him. Their company was truly a comfort to us and we were sad when they packed up to go.

It is a late night here as none of wants to leave J's side. He had a rough day and is still suffering the side effects of such an extensive surgery. So, we wait and comfort him in any way we can.

Love to all,

Megan

Friday Morning - In Between

2005-04-08T13:00:00.000-07:00

Dad here in the waiting room on Friday morning with a few reflections on this moment in the journey. Jonathan is in surgery and we are simply waiting. We are in between the past seven weeks of reality in ICU and the future uncertainty of time and events that lie ahead. We are in between the wonderful moments of Jonathan's 25th birthday party last night and the anticipated meeting with the surgeon this afternoon to understand more about life tomorrow. The roller coaster is simply coasting this morning.

As for today, Jonathan was first on Dr. Bauer's Friday surgery schedule and went to the OR this morning at 8 am. A lengthy surgery is anticipated, and he is not expected out until 2 pm. We are anxious and prayerful about the extensive surgery today- being both fearful and hopeful for what lies ahead.

As for yesterday, a giant birthday bash was successfully staged last night in his room. Virtually every ICU rule was broken in the process - except we weren't allowed to actually light the candles on his cake. There were cards, cakes, cookies, music, posters, DVDs, laughter - and more - along with about 15 people. Jonathan's spirits were high and his pain level low - so a great time was had by all. Thanks to everyone for making his birthday so special. It will never be forgotten by anyone present.

Sharon and I stopped this morning again in the chapel to be thankful to God and bring our petitions. I hope you will pray for a miracle today for Jonathan along with us.

A Typical Day

2005-04-06T23:30:00.000-07:00

I am sitting in the waiting room as Jonathan endures his nightly dressing changes and prepares for sleep (we hope). Several of you have asked that I blog about our life here in the city, what our daily routines are, etc... The next few days may be hectic, so this might be a good time to fill you in on what happens each day.

We have settled into somewhat of a daily routine. I am sure this won't last, but for now we can somewhat predict how the day will go. Each day, Jonathan has his dressings changed twice, once in the morning and once in the evening. The morning dressing changes are much more extensive and require anesthesia to tolerate. He is put on a ventillator, then put under for the wound care. Usually, physical therapy comes to do range of motion while he is asleep as it would be too painful for him to endure while awake. This whole process takes anywhere from 2-3 hours. One of us tries to be at the hospital when they finish so we can be there when he wakes. Once he is awake, it takes him several hours to recover. The anesthesia makes him very cold and groggy so he is always wrapped up like a mummy with a "bear hug" blanket (a blanket which is filled with hot air) when we go in. We then do whatever we can to make him comfortable, giving him water, covering him with more blankets, etc...

The problem with this process (besides the obvious) is that he needs to be taking in nutrition. Drinking 12 Repletes a day takes a lot of time. We try to start by 1:00 and do one each hour, but sometimes we start later. For instance, the dressing took 3 hours today so we didn't get started until about 2:30. If he drinks the Repletes too fast, they make him sick, so we have to strike a balance. A dry erase board on the wall keeps the score as we mark them off one by one.

In the meantime, more painful PT, x-rays, blood tests, medicine, and visits from his doctors or other health care officials fill up the day. One or more of us is always by his side to comfort, entertain, feed meals, and keep him informed about what is happening. We try to give each other breaks to eat, take a walk, make phone calls, or just relax. At night short visits from friends and family keep him entertained. We usually open the mail and read the cards and letters together. After the evening dressing, we sit with him until he sleeps, then head home. Usually, we leave the hospital between 11:00 and 12:00 taking turns with the night shift so the others can get some rest.

David and Megan are usually here for Fridays and weekends, so I sometimes take a little break. Often we are moving locations whichs requires time, energy, and often emotion as we hate to leave our current "home away from home."

This weekend we move into a more permanent place near the hospital. We will be there for the next two months which will be a tremendous relief. It is tiny, but adequate for our needs. The best part is that it has an elevator! While we are excited about this move, it is hard to leave the charming apartment we reside in now by the grace of friends. I have spent the past couple of days (with the help of Nicole and Marci) getting the new place ready to move into and trying to make it feel like home.

Somehow, in the midst of this turmoil, we have moments of laughter and joy. My feeling is this is what keeps us sane. Not to be outdone by David, I arrived to find Jonathan's head shaved this morning (a #1 to be exact for those of you who know your clippers.) One of the many wonderful nurses did this for Jonathan this morning. He called it the "birthday" cut. Jonathan has already mastered the trapeze and can now hoist his body to make himself more comfortable. We also played an exciting game of Ad Libs which brought a few chuckles. A very hairy guerilla birthday mask arrived via Sallie Hillenmayer and Jonathan modeled it for the nurses. It now hangs on the ventillator arm. So you see, we do have some fun every now and then.

Although this is not Nashville, I am adjusting to my new home. I actually can hail a cab and not look like a tourist! Some days, I ache to be home but know this is where my heart is. I miss you all, but feel your love and support. Please continue to pray as we face another surgery Friday. They plan to close a large portion of the wound and assess the progression of the HO. We are holding our breath a little to see what they say in terms of healing. We do know the HO will take a long time to resolve.

There are days we wonder how long we can keep doing this. Jonathan sometimes wonders aloud if he can stand the pain much longer. Those of you who know him know what a fighter he is. He certainly does not wallow in these feelings. I clearly saw this on Monday when , after awakening from a short nap, Jonathan looked at me and said, "I am the little engine that could." I was a little confused, but then caught on and replied, "because you think you can?" He nodded as tears came to my eyes. I think he can too.

Mom

PS (zip code is 10021)

A few comments from the peanut gallery

2005-04-05T23:10:00.000-07:00

Greetings, sports fans. Mom and I are going to attempt a play-by-play of the last few days.

Let us begin with the antics of our sweet father/husband. Well, maybe dramatic is a better word. After a much discouraged and anxious weekend, Dad waltzed into J's hospital room on Monday with a giant smile on his face. Those of you who know Dad know that fierce energy he brings to life...well, Jonathan announced that Dad had an announcement for us. With a flourish, Dad whipped off his surgical bouffant cap (a very illegal move in the burn ICU, mind you), to reveal to Carrie, Marci, Mom, and I a shiny, quite shaved head. So now, he has no hair, he is growing a beard, and he has something to smile about. We were all pretty happy.

This was followed shortly by Jonathan's directing of Carrie (I believe he inherited the dramatic gene from Dad) in quite the lovely rendition of "Oh, What a Beautiful Morning." Ah, the acoustics of an intensive care room...

Amidst the basketball excitment, we have had a little excitement of our own. Jonathan now officially has a trapeze. Oh, yes. I think Jonathan has secretly longed for a trapeze for the majority of his life. So, this isn't actually the kind of trapeze where he will soar over crowds and circus rings, but it is something that will help him begin to develop strength and to shift his weight. Along with the trapeze (or because of the trapeze) came a new bed.

The new bed is completely the fluidization system...so the entire bed basically feels like a fancy, heated waterbed, but not so wavy. I personally think that this new bed looks like a secret CIA weapon - it's made of heavy metal bars and foundations. Mom seems to think it looks a bit more like a boat. Oops. Marci concurs. So...boat...secret weapon...waterbed...take your pick. Know that Jonathan is floating along as comfortably as possible, at successfully keeping at bay Big Siren and associates. We are happy to see him more comfortable.

So. Next move. The getters-of-the-trapeze are J's physical therapists. These people are both diligent and gifted, gentle and tough. On Monday, Jonathan actually activated all of the muscles in his left quad. Amazing! We are encouraged to see him move.

As far as medical news, there is none. Jonathan has had a lot of pain, and he will recount in greusome detail his experience of having a CT scan on Sunday. I'm glad I wasn't here when they moved Jonathan's (and his open wound) to a hard stretcher, and then to a hard metal board where he had to just chill for awhile. So he's a little hung over from the seemingly minor procedures - the CT scan, the chest tube, the pelvic x-ray, and so on.

So, sports fans, Jonathan would like you all to know that he is only taking steroids because they are making him. His metabolism is back on track, but let's not let the MLB officials at him just yet...

Now for the official score. (Quick FYI, for those of you who have never had the pleasure of drinking Replete. Replete is the dietary supplement of choice, of which Jonathan is required to consume 12 per day -3000 calories, 180 g of protein. These are the brother drink to Ensure, only better). So. Jonathan manages to chug at least 10 per day, usually. We have to say that Jonathan is winning this Replete battle, though it was touch and go at first. The only worry for Jonathan, as he chugs Repletes like a champ, is that he will acquire the dreaded "taste loss" and only be able to taste Replete for the rest of his life.

So, back to the home team. In preparation for the birthday bash, Jonathan was moved to the "princess suite" on the corner. You better believe my brother has the only room with two windows and double the square footage of ever other room:) Jonathan asked if the staff could re-christen the room the "prince suite," as he is a boy. They seemed to be open to that idea.

And the rest of us are enjoying a roomier stay with a little sunshine and a view of the 59th street bridge and the East River. Mom has officially relocated - more on that to come. I am still plugging away at school, and Marci has joined us to help out for a bit. Megan and Dad are holding down the fort in Nashville until J's birthday on Thursday when they will return to New York.

Jonathan has certainly returned to us in moments of fun, such as when he was trash talking a stuffed elephant tonight. Though he has a lot of pain, we are hoping and praying for a good day on Thursday so that he can enjoy his birthday.

N.B. J's new room numer is 426, still in 8W, Greenberg Pavilion.

Love and Repletes from the night shift in the Burn Unit -
Nicole, Mom, and Marci

Surgical Update

2005-04-01T20:30:00.000-08:00

Jonathan's weekly surgery is over, and the news is not what we wanted to hear. He has developed a condition known as heterotopic ossification. It basically means that his body is calcifying muscle and soft tissue in his leg at the wound site. This is a painful condition and a difficult one to treat in this circumstance. As the doctors say, "this is a complicated wound to treat." Jonathan needs to have the wound closed with a graft, but this may not be possible for awhile. The doctor will close as much as he can in the next 2 weeks.

The bottom line is that this will be an even longer process than we thought, with no real idea of the outcome. The worst case scenerio could be worse than we thought. The best case scenerio could be that this is a major setback, but all healing will go as planned. Needless to say, we are discouraged. It seems that Jonathan will remain here in the Burn ICU unit here for some time.

Many of you have asked what you can do. I wish I could give you some tangible task, but because of the circumstances here, there is not that much you can do. If we were at home in Nashville, it would be so much easier! Jonathan is in an ICU unit, so the hospital limits the number of visitors he can have. We try to use what little energy we have to be with him, so that limits the amount of time we have to spend with visitors. Often those who visit are not able to see Jonathan. I know we all look forward to the day when this situation changes!

What you can do for us is PRAY for Jonathan's healing. Pray this process of ossification will run its course QUICKLY so the doctor can finish the surgeries and Jonathan can begin to rehab. Pray that Jonathan keeps fighting the pain and discouragement. Pray that we have renewed energy to fight with him. Thanks to all of you who continue to lift us up with your encourgaing words and gifts.

Jonathan enjoys all of the cards and letters you send. Each day we open and read your messages of love and concern. I especially love the ones that make him laugh. Some of you are very creative! Jonathan celebrates his 25th birthday on April 7th and we plan to break the rules and have a birthday bash for him!

We continue to be amazed by the medical staff here. Not only are they gifted at their trade, but they are also compassionate with us. The nurses have been wonderful to Jonathan, acting as his advocate and doing what they can to make him comfortable.

The God of all comfort continues to comfort us in so many ways bringing us joy amidst our pain.

Mom

A Long Day

2005-04-01T00:15:00.000-08:00

We thought it might be a good idea to send a quick blog tonight asking for prayers for tomorrow's surgery. It has been a rather long day here, as well as another day of painful procedures for Jonathan.

We learned today that Jonathan has developed a complication that will slow down the healing of his wound. We will know more details tomorrow but for now we know for certain that this means a lengthier recovery period. This will also mean that Jonathan will continue to endure the painful and extensive wound care each day as they will be unable to complete the graft right away. As if this was not enough, his lung was pricked when inserting a central line and he had to have a tube inserted into his chest cavity to remove any air that escaped. I know these things cannot always be avoided, but it was a little much for Jonathan to have to deal with today.

We covet your prayers for Jonathan and those who care for him. This process is so difficult and discouraging for him. He is still fighting hard, doing everything his PT tells him to and more, drinking 3000 calories a day to keep from losing more weight, asking a million questions about his care, etc... Those of you that know Jonathan well probably know what I mean.

We will blog more tomorrow after the surgery, but for now please pray.

Sharon

midweek blog

2005-03-29T12:51:00.000-08:00

Faithful friends and family,

My warmest regards from New York City. In keeping with the Easter season, I think we are all feeling the strange mix of hope and grief, joy and weariness. The weekend brought some bad news, but I found the weekend’s remembrance of suffering and resurrection very comforting. For the first time in my life, I really related to Mary’s suffering as she helplessly looked on her son’s death. I also felt so overwhelmingly all weekend that God simply did not leave us alone in this pain. The Lord knows Jonathan’s physical pain. That comfort is a grievous and a joyous one.

Funnily enough, I mentioned some of these thoughts to Jonathan on Good Friday. I said to him that I felt I should have been crying at the Good Friday service, but instead I was incredibly comforted that God knew Jonathan’s pain. Jonathan looked at me and said, “Yeah, and Jesus didn’t even have Delaudid (JD’s pain med of choices).” Megan and I laughed ourselves into tears at that!

On Sunday, Mom and I combined forces to make Jonathan an Easter dinner, the first homemade meal he has eaten in five weeks - protein-laden pork tenderloin and macaroni and cheese casserole. Though he continues to plug through twelve Repletes per day (!!!) like a champ, I must say my heart took such comfort in watching him eat a plate of normal food. It lent an air of normalcy to life that Replete simply cannot☺!

Dr. Bauer informed us yesterday that Jonathan will most likely be in the ICU unit six more weeks. There is a cavity in his leg (where the muscle had to be taken out) that still is not closing. Dr. Bauer says that the cavity needs to be filled in (with Jonathan's own tissues) before he can finish the skin graft. This means that Jonathan will spend the next six weeks getting a slower, meticulous series of skin grafts, rather than getting one big graft all at once. During this time, the good doctor hopes to help Jonathan grow that extra tissue (though I’m unclear on the mechanics of this – Dr. Bauer says he knows some “tricks”) while continuing to graft as much as possible.

So, the good news is that, as more of the wound is closed, Jonathan will begin to feel incrementally better. The bad news: six more weeks in the ICU. You can probably imagine how interminable this sentence feels to Jonathan (and us) at the moment. However, we are encouraged by the skill of Dr. Bauer and believe that Jonathan will be happy for the careful reconstruction of his leg once this is all over.

Jonathan has also begun daily, intensive physical therapy, in hopes of increasing his strength and decreasing his rehab time as much as possible. He is able to move his left foot, and his right leg has some motion! So we are pleased to see him moving a bit, despite the pain. He has received a personal pain device again, so we are back to pushing the button every twelve minutes☺ Hopefully that will keep his pain managed well through the next few, long weeks.

We continue to delight in Jonathan's good days and grieve for his bad ones. Jonathan is able to look at some of your cards and gifts and such, so I would encourage you to send anything that might make him smile. I love opening the mail and packages when they come and watching him look through them. Though his face is much thinner, he still has one of the best smiles around. I can’t express the thanks I feel for those of you that make him smile.

Mom and Dad have also begun the search for longer-term housing options in NYC, and we are beginning to make the transition into this, the perseverance phase, of this situation. I sometimes think this will be the most grueling phase for Jonathan, as he is fully aware of the tedious nature of the healing and in an incredible amount of pain. However, more days than not, he manages to lift our spirits rather than vice versa. I continue to be amazed at his courage and his determination.

As always, many thanks for the unending love and support that have come our way. Don’t worry – as Jonathan begins to talk about the events of the past few weeks, I’m carefully documenting all of the memories that Jonathan is recounting from the paranoid phase. We’ll have the full story on Siren eventually! The nurses in the burn unit are phenomenal, and we have all enjoyed the cozier atmosphere of being on the 8th floor.

Your continued prayers for our family are appreciated, as Dad and Megan try to focus on work and school at home and deal with the exhausting commute back and forth to New York, as Mom stays tirelessly with Jonathan, and as I try to juggle hospital time with graduating and searching out guidance counseling positions the world round☺

Sweet blessings as the spring begins to greet us…
Nicole

Some Bad News and Some Good News

2005-03-26T00:28:00.000-08:00

Jonathan had a long and painful day. It began this morning as he and my mom awaited his surgery, which began at 12:30 in the afternoon. Several things happened during his surgery, obviously, so stay with me as I attempt to explain them. (Dr. Bauer had to draw us a picture!) First, some bad news...Jonathan suffered a complication from his last surgery that Dr. Bauer had to spend a lot of the time in the OR working on today instead of closing more of the wound--as we were hoping. Evidently, they had closed a flap of skin with two "buttons" last time to relieve some of the pressure...but because Jonathan is constantly laying on his wound...the pressure on the two buttons was not relieved enough. So, what this means is the tissue under the buttons died. It will heal, but this adds about two or three more weeks to his hospital stay because they can not close the wound until this has healed. Dr. Bauer was pretty upset with himself, but we have been very happy with him so far. Although, we are sad about the delay, we are not upset with Dr. Bauer.
They also worked on Jonathan's inner thigh muscles today. There was a cavity between two of his larger muscles causing a problem, so Dr. Bauer cut some of Jonathan's muscle to fill in part of that cavity...and he hopes that the tissue will grow and fill in that cavity over the next couple weeks, then he will be able to clsoe that part up. These cuts and reattatchments explain a lot of Jonathan's pain because they basically were cutting all over Jonathan's leg today...which has to be unbelievably painful to wake up to.
On a better note, the ankle looks like it is healing very well, and his skin graft is doing fabulously!! Praise God! Right now, a major problem is Jonathan's ongoing pain. As the nurse said, they can only take the edge off of the pain for him, but they cannot really take it all away. So, he is suffering a lot, which is also really hard for us to watch and not be able to do anything about. He will remain in his routine of being put to sleep every morning for a complete dressing change and then highly drugged again around 9 pm for a partial dressing change.
Some exciting news....Jonathan just got an awesome new bed while I was with him. This bed is to prevent anymore complications like the one they discovered today. It weighs 2,000 pounds!!!! The part under his head is really soft, but the rest of it feels like there are bubbles being blown to the surface right under him. The doctor said it is made of sand that goes to the top and turns to liquid--state of the art. So, that is fun, and he seemed to be pretty comfortable in it when I went back into his room tonight after his dressing change. He could barely stay awake and that was before his nightly dose of Benadryl and Ambien!! So, we watched Michigan State beat Duke (he was excited), and then a little more basketball before Jonathan drifted off around 11 PM. He seemed to finally be out of that excruciating pain.
In other news, we have moved out shelf and most of our belongings into Jonathan's room, where he has also gotten a refrigerator put in. So, we are slowly moving out of the waiting room! We are a little discouraged about the setbacks today, and Dr. Bauer said Jonathan would probably be in physical therapy for six months to a year...so again this is a lengthy situation. Pray also that Jonathan may be able to rehab in Nashville. Jonathan still really enjoys looking through all the cards everyone is sending, and he likes pictures a lot. He is constantly asking all of us how we are doing...tonight he said to me "are you ok, you look kind of down?' I was teary, of course, as I wanted to say yes Jonathan I am ok, and I should be asking you that question!! Pray for Jonathan's strength...physically, spiritually, mentally, etc...Thank you all for your continued support. I cannot help but praise God tonight as the season is constantly reminding me of his sufferings and his resurrection. Jonathan is suffering, and our God has been through so much more pain than Jonathan is experiencing for every one of us.
Megan

3/24/05

2005-03-24T12:50:00.000-08:00

I begged "a Shaub" (any Shaub!) to be my "ghost blogger..." as you can tell after one sentence, that didn't happen! It has been my joy and honor to be here this week with this dear family who so lovingly and convincingly demonstrates faith and hope in God as well as loyalty and devotion to each other. It was also a personal delight for me to be reunited with my "ole roomie" of (almost) thirty years ago! (we still get along!)
J continues to be in considerable pain and endures many uncomfortable procedures (wound cleaning, bandage changes, etc..). Throughout the day, however, amidst his constant suffering, I was able to climpse that endearing "Shaubie Sparkle" in his eyes and uplifting spirit in his smile. His next surgery is still scheduled for tomorrow, and if things go well it could cut his recovery time in the burn unit in half!
It was a treat to see the Littons and Gibbs at the NY Pres...two OC families vacationing in the "Big Apple."
My thanks to all the NY servants who have so graciously provided for all my physical needs while in the city...To Nicole and Megan for not only being "other daughters," but my peers...To Sharon and David for allowing me to experience blessing in tragedy,laughter through tears, and remaining precious, old friends.
Like everyone else, my life is forever changed because of one single moment five weeks ago. Marlene was right...it's hard to leave...
Dele

Here is Jonathan's address again for those who may be needing an updated one:
New York Presbyterian Hospital
ATTN: Jonathan Shaub, room #438
Greenberg, 8 West
525 E. 68th Street
New York, New York 10021

The Burn Unit

2005-03-21T16:27:00.000-08:00

Monday afternoon here on the 8th floor of The Pres in our new digs. Jonathan was moved this weekend to another room within the Burn Unit (#8-438). We have made a home in the new waiting room that includes our modest shelf and cooler. Today's facility highlight occured when Senad, the technician, upgraded the waiting room computer to give us Internet access. So, the blogspot may thrive for yet a few more weeks.

The nursing care in The Burn Unit is superb, primarily due to the experience and ability in managing the excruciating pain from these types of open wounds. Jonathan is settling into a daily routine of wound bathing and dressing, which require anesthesia. So, his day ebbs and flows from manageable pain to unmanageable pain to brief periods of sleep and relief provided by an arsenal of pharmacy products. Surgery is scheduled every Friday until the wound is healed and is closed. So, the Burn Unit will still be our home next month. Then, in-patient recuperation and rehabilitation seem destined to fill our New York summer.

Jonathan's spirits are more often positive than not. He is now unafraid of his surroundings, and sneaks in up to four hours of uninterrupted sleep some nights. The dietician pronounced his wounds as "hungry." So, Jonathan responded by finishing off a dozen Repletes (like Ensure) just under the midnite deadline set for him. Sadly, his frame now resembles more a Kenyan runner than a football player. So, calories and protein are essential at this time. A bright spot from last night, he managed a few rubber band exercises for his arms.

Our mantra is to consider only today's challenges. Each morning I am content to stop in the chapel and ask God for only one small miracle. He continues to grant them. The journey is long and tiring, but there is joy along the way. Thank you, thank you for the ongoing love and support.

DAD

P.S. Thanks to Josh for spending a weekend in service in NYC. He was scheduled for blog service, but was called away to Birmingham to his family involved in a car accident. All seems well, but our prayers go with them. Expect a future blog from Josh.

roller coasters and revolving doors

2005-03-18T22:51:00.000-08:00

Greetings. Today was quite the roller coaster of days! I have several things to report:

First, Jonathan went into and emerged from surgery successfully today. Good news from the OR! Jonathan's "caverns" (empty space in his leg from tissue loss) are all closed. The muscle tone looks good, and 100% of the skin grafts are successfully growing. Dr. Bauer seems to think that there may only be one or two more skin graft surgeries, and those in 2-3 weeks (not six weeks, as previously projected).

Second, Jonathan has officially moved to the burn unit ICU. We have a nice corner room, very capable nurses, and LOTS more pain medication. All good things.

Jonathan had a bit of a rough go of it after surgery. The docs/nurses had to attempt probably a dozen sticks before getting an IV in successfully. Jonathan had no pain medication until they could get the IV into his veins. However (insert roller coaster feelings) after the excruciating and demoralizing pain of surgery and IV-insterting, Jonathan then perked up under the influences of new pain meds. He sat up and wanted to chat with us, with a big smile on his face.

I must say I thought I couldn't stand another minute of watching my brother bear pain while I sat through the IV-sticking process. Then, an hour later, Jonathan himself was assuring Dad and me that he would make it. He spent the better part of the evening (after the Vermont upset) querying my dad about details of the surgery and recovery processes. At one point, Jonathan turned to Dad and asked, "So I will never run again?" Dad told him probably not. Jonathan put a smile on and said, "Well, that's okay. I never really liked running anyway."

So, after all these weeks, I saw Jonathan's hopeful spirit emerge tonight. Even if it is only one night, that moment will hold me for awhile. I don't know how he is going to do it, but it seems that God is always going to give somebody the hope we all need to hang on. Tonight, it was Jonathan's turn to have hope, and I pray fervently that he will continue to receive that gift. Praise God.

Finally, I have some important logistical information:

a) Jonathan's address has changed.
New York Presbyterian Hospital
Attn: Jonathan Shaub, Room #441
8 West Greenberg Pavilion
525 E. 68th St.
New York, NY 1002

b) We are going to slow down the blog. Starting after the weekend, we will probably just post twice a week. Once midweek and once on the weekend. This has been a great way to disseminate information efficiently, but it seems to have accomplished its major purposes in getting us through the crisis. We ask you to continue checking in and continue praying as Jonathan continues his recovery.

c) Because of that, we have opened a new email account for Jonathan. Feel free to send Jonathan messages at JDPres@gmail.com. We will be certain that he receives all of those messages, in addition to everything that is coming/has come through the blog and his mail. He really likes having us read cards and messages when he is feeling well enough to concentrate, so your well-wishes continue to be welcome!

Okay, I think that is all of the important information for now. Mom is back in Nashville for a brief respite while my dad and Josh Bowling hold down the fort here. Jonathan's college roommates are also here helping some, and my aunt Laura leaves tomorrow after providing invaluable support all week. I'm trying not to spin as the door revolves around me:) Your prayers for safe travels and restful hearts and bodies are appreciated.

Blessings tonight,
Nicole

One Day at a Time

2005-03-17T21:45:00.000-08:00

Greetings from the Pres. I wanted to give you a little update on Jonathan today. Actually, I just wrote a nice long blog and lost it before I could post it, so this may be a little short and to the point. It is just hard to write a new one after that.

Things are about the same here. Jonathan is in waiting mode for the surgery tomorrow. It is all a bit overwhelming right now, so my new mantra for him is "one day at a time." The waiting and the lengthy stay in the ICU unit is taking its toll on us all, but most of all on Jonathan. Even I have almost screamed at the machines to cease their constant beeping, so I can imagine how he feels. He struggles with discouragement as the reality of his situation becomes evident. Please pray for this as well as for relief of the constant pain that he experiences.

The surgeons are unable to tell us exactly what they will do tomorrow as they need to see the condition of the wound before they proceed. We do know that they plan to do some repair work on the muscle and possibly some grafting. Jonathan will go from surgery to a new home in the burn ICU unit on the 8th floor. We feel that Jonathan is in excellent hands with the burn surgeon and are encouraged by the progress he has made.

Since the waiting room on the 8th floor is smaller and there are fewer of us to keep up with things, we are now packing up our shelf to move to Nicole's apartment. Space for storage is becoming a bit of a problem as we don't yet know where we will be staying from week to week. We have also begun the process of packing up Jonathan's things to bring home. Basically, we need to be able to carry with us to the hospital what we need each day.

I can't say that this is not stressful, but there are moments of joy. When I walk in Jonathan's room each morning, I am filled with thankfulness and joy that God spared his life. He always greets me with a sweet smile.

We are not sure about the continuance of the blogging. As Jonathan's progress from this point on will be slow, there won't be so much news to report. There is also not an abundance of available bloggers as we spend most of our time with Jonathan. My guess is we will write an update every few days, or maybe once a week. We will also post new mailing info as he loves to open his cards each day. The staff here are stunned by your outpouring of love and concern. The social worker even stopped by to ask me about the mounds of cards and the community of people who send them. You have definitely left your mark here!

Please do not forget to pray for Jonathan through the months to come as they will test him in every way. God has been good to us.

Sharon

moving right along

2005-03-16T21:00:00.005-08:00

Not too much to report today. Jonathan is stable. Very tired, but stable and still healing. He beat me at Jeopardy again tonight, so that's a good sign:)

Mom and I began the packing of Jonathan's apartment today, and his college roommates (who are coming up to visit with Jonathan this weekend) have generously offered to finish that process for us. So Jonathan is settling in to the hospital and slowly moving on to this new phase of life.

It seems as though Jonathan will probably have to stay in New York for rehab (though that is still tentative), so we are also beginning to try to figure out where Mom (and whoever else is in town) will stay for the next two or three months. We hope to find an affordable sublet close to the hospital.

Finally, Jonathan is on deck for a bed in the burn unit, so we will soon be making a move up to the eighth floor. We haven't scoped out the waiting room yet, but we'll keep you posted:)

Jonathan is still scheduled for surgery on Friday, but the process is moving along as well as we can hope and pray for at this point. Certainly having more concrete ideas about how the timing and locations will play out is helpful as we try to plan and brace for the months ahead.

Jonathan and the rest of us send our love.

Nicole

faith and desperation

2005-03-15T21:30:00.000-08:00

Today was a really, really hard day here at the hospital. Jonathan suffered a great deal of pain at the hands of a redressing of his wounds. This pain was the result of some miscommunication between the doctors and nurses. They changed his dressings, and everything looks good with the wounds. However, he is suffering, and he is discouraged. As I had to be at school today, my mom and her sister (Laura) stayed with Jonathan through most of the day today.

The good news is, Jonathan drank some yummy chocolate milk for dinner and is still way better at Jeopardy than I. I think I have more head trauma than he does at this point.

Our family is spread thin, in every way. Mom and I feel the absence of Megan and Dad more profoundly than I had imagined. On a brighter note, I am pleased to have Mom and Laura staying with me at my apartment (slight change of plans), so that at least I am able to comfort and take comfort in being together with my family here. The generosity of my roommates is much appreciated to make this work so smoothly.

Jonathan and I wept together tonight as I read Psalm 63 to him to try and help him sleep without bad dreams. I ask that you join with us in praying those beautiful words of the Psalmist who always had faith and hope amidst thirst and desperation.

'night
Nicole

The Road to Recovery

2005-03-14T20:30:00.000-08:00

I am sitting here at the computer after having been told by Nicole that it is My turn to "blog". WOW, those are the words I have been dreading. I know from experience how important these blogs are to the loved ones who are not here, because this is your link to Jonathan and the family. So here goes...Jonathan is making progress every day now. He is a little stronger, and quite a bit more alert every day. He is sitting up, eating real food, and talking up a storm. Jonathan is determined (imagine that!!) to follow all of the instructions and suggestions that the doctors and nurses give him. He wants to get OUT. Today has had some down moments for Jonathan, because today he finally grasped the extent of his injuries and the amount of time it will take him to heal and he is a little overwhelmed and somwhat depressed. So the prayer requests now include patience and peace of mind for Jonathan for the next several weeks. The plastic surgeon told him tonight that he is looking at 6 more surgeries (one a week) before they even consider moving him. (He may be moved to the burn unit at some point)I would like to diverge a little and talk about the manifestations of love that I am observing during my waiting room vigil. I ahve seen ministering angels taking care of my sister and her family and I just want to say THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart. They anticipate the family's every need and fulfill it before they even know they need it. Kim and Trinna - they flew up here, only to clean 2 apartments and move all of aour baggage, then come to the hospital for the night shift. WOW that is what I call selfless love. That is just a small example of the outpouring of love I am witnessing. God has sent his "angels" and we thank everyone for the little acts of kindness and the prayers from everyone. We love all of you Aunt Laura

Family Ties

2005-03-14T04:25:00.000-08:00

Well I have procrastinated long enough. So, here I sit at 3:00am trying to reflect on my experiences here at the Pres. I have been able to sit by the bedside of my friend Jonathan tonight as he rests following yet another successful day on the journey toward recovery. He still struggles with his dreamworld and sleeps more peacefully when he knows he is not alone. So, I am honored to help cover the nightshift this evening. I thought I would simply share with you a few of the cherished memories that I will take with me as I head home to Nashville in only a few short hours. There are many precious gifts we are given in this lifetime, and for many of us there is none greater than the blessing of family. I wish you could see Sharon as she stands on a step stool to drape cold cloths on Jonathan's head and speak words of comfort to him (he smiles every time she walks in the room), or witness his heart rate slowly calm down simply by feeling his sisters' touch as they hold his hands following a bad dream, or see the relief and pride in his dad's eyes when he talks about his son's accomplishments at the end of the day. It truly is a powerful thing to witness and a testimony to what God intended family to be.

It is that same love of family that the Shaubs have graciously bestowed on so many others. Thanks to my friendship with Nicole, at some point I too became an "adopted" Shaub, and for that, I will be eternally grateful. The Shaubs have opened their hearts and home to countless people through the years, and it is no wonder that so many people are wrapping their arms around them now in their time of need. So keep the love coming! After all, isn't that what family is for?

Sweet dreams,
Trina

Sunday Tidbits

2005-03-13T18:00:00.000-08:00

We just wanted to give you a quick update on Jonathan's progress today. Not much has changed since our last blog, but we know some of you are anxious for news so we will try to give you a few tidbits.
Jonathan says this is another "good day" for him. He is still talking (up a storm), eating, and being released occasionally from the heavy boots they keep on his feet and legs. They also removed one of his lines which is one more tube gone.
It is joyful to watch him close his eyes in pleasure when he drinks a glass of cold water or eats some of the treats we bring in from the outside world (banana pudding from Magnolia's, Dr. Pepper, gatorade, orange juice, homemade lasagna, ice cream, etc...). He is very excited to be able to control some of his own circumstances such as the pain meds, the height of his bed, his suction, among other small things. He knows what all the tubes go to, how they work, what each medicine is for, and most of the standard routines and procedures. In typical Jonathan fashion he is educating himself about his circumstances and beginning the work of healing. When the nurses and therapists (physical, respiratory) walk into the room he greets them by name and asks how they are doing, often giving them a short report on his status.
I cannot tell you how wonderful it is to finally be able to communicate verbally with Jonathan. I am grateful to finally be able to know what I can do to make him more comfortable. He is slowly becomming aware of the extent of his injuries and asking questions. Pray that he does not get discouraged by the pain and slow progress.
Pray for us as we are a bit weary in body and soul. We moved locations today-actually some ministering angels moved us and cleaned the apartments so that we could be here with Jonathan. You might be able to guess who those angels are by reading the previous blog-they each had a hand.
Once again, we cherish your encouraging words. Linda Giddens and Co., you are amazing!
Pray for Megan and David as they return home tomorrow. My sister, Laura, will be here with Nicole, Jonathan, and I this week which will be a great comfort.
Sharon

P.S. (Nicole is arranging shelves as we speak!)

cold water

2005-03-12T23:40:00.000-08:00

night shift reporting here (jim, merritt, kim, trina, marci, nicole, and megan). big night shift:)

tonight is a happy night. over the course of the day, jonathan has eaten lasagna and drunk as much cold water as we would let him. jonathan informed dad that his first drink of ice water was the "best drink of his life." probably my favorite moment of the day was when jonathan scolded megan, dad, and i for keeping him from drinking "as much as he wanted." according to jonathan, the nurses told him that he could have as much water as he wanted (which is true, but they told him to take it slow). when dad and i were restricting his water intake speed (dad made him take 5 minute breaks to be exact), he accused us of making up rules that were not necessary (sort of true - she didn't give us any rules, just told us to make him take it slow). he said to me, "your brother has been lying here suffering for two weeks, and all you can give him is 1/4 of a cup of water?" i laughed a hearty laugh, amusement compounded by so much relief. as always, jonathan is managing to question the rules, and even make me question my own following of them.

probably my other favorite moment of the day occurred shortly thereafter. because he liked the sound of our voices, megan and i began just chatting to him. i told him about our cooler in the waiting room. he looked at us and then said, "so what've you got out there? dr. pepper?" i couldn't help but smile even bigger:) he then asked if we had anything "exotic" (meaning some variety of soda, i believe), and settled for a caffeine-free coke, just to "taste coke again." fun times.

jonathan is still really anxious, and he is having a lot of nightmares. tonight in his room i was reading some psalms aloud, and i began reading one that talked about all of the enemies who are pursuing the psalmist (61 or 62). that is exactly how jonathan feels - he feels pursued unto death, and that felt like exactly the right prayer to pray tonight. he is frightened and disoriented when he wakes, which he does quite frequently, and he said that his scariest time is when he wakes up from the nightmares. thus, we are trying to stay by his side for reassurance as much as we can, within human limits. the good news is that he is resting better than ever before. i do ask for and offer myself prayers for jonathan's peace of mind and spirit as he transitions back into reality.

when megan came into the room today, jonathan said, "hey meg. i can eat and drink again...i'm a person again." this statement really captured the complicated nature of my joy today - i grieved with jonathan as he began to understand his own injuries and the road ahead...but i still smiled through tears at exactly such seemingly insignificant, but profoundly beautiful moments today.

a thanks today to the people here who have been cleaning our apartments and making us food and standing by our sides, and the people who have been lavishing also us with love and gifts and such from afar (we received a portable cooler full of puffy muffin goodies yesterday!) i'm also hoping that the days to come will see jonathan healing well enough to begin experiencing that outpouring for himself, not just via us and the few cards and pics we can take into his room! it will be an even happier day when jonathan can use the starbucks card for a nice coffee break instead of me!

nicole

p.s. we learned today that it was the big "seven," not Savon. whew. you can still use your soap.

p.p.s. bill clinton is not, i repeat not, at our hospital. he is at the columbia branch, the one uptown.

Saturday Morning - Jonathan Speaks

2005-03-12T13:01:00.000-08:00

Dad reporting from NYC after a four day "rest period" in Nashville.

Mom and I walked into Jonathan's ICU room early this morning. To our delight, Jonathan seemingly SHOUTED "Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad." Talk about making your parents cry! We couldn't believe it.

He is able to speak clearly and more loudly now since the trach tube has been downsized. He has also been given push button control of his pain medicine, but refuses to use it much even though the pain level stays steady at about an 8 (on a scale of 1 to 10). He is able to lift his oxygen mask and suction his mouth as needed. We continue to apply cold treatments to his fiery forehead and face.

Today, Day 22, signs of Jonathan's SPIRIT are seeping out. He let me know he's almost ready to complete his NCAA brackets traditionally submitted to my office pool. (of course, I always get stuck with the entry fee, and he kept the winnings from his 1998 victory.) He is also bored, and has asked for his IPOD so he can listen to music. The stuffed animal array on his lap is making him hot. He even asked if I was over the flu.

As I fought for sleep in Nashville very early this morning, I could not escape the dreaded remembrance of three weeks earlier: the phone call, the terror, the trip to the airport in the dark silence. That pain may never pass, but, surely, light follows darkness.

I had fleeting aspirations to run the NYC marathon this fall. Instead, it appears we will be running a different type of race - with Jonathan. We have many miles yet to go, but are well equipped by your steadfast prayers and support. May God bless every one of us - especially JD.

Dad

keepin' on

2005-03-11T21:46:00.000-08:00

Nicole again.

Tonight I have some interesting little tidbits to report.

1) Jonathan pulled his feeding tube out AGAIN. The good news is, they are not putting it back in tonight. HOORAY!! They will put a valve on his trach and try a swallow test tomorrow.

2) The plastic surgery went well. The surgeon says it will be awhile until the other wounds are ready to do skin grafts, but we are glad for the positive results from the surgery.

3) Jonathan is going to get started on a personal
pain-meds-releasing device pretty soon, so that he will begin to be in control of his pain levels. I am so glad to hear that!

4) Most importantly, Jonathan has learned how to make his oxygen tube be quiet when it starts making noise...a very precise art, I assure you:) I witnessed it twice tonight.

We are blessed to be join tonight by a new set of friends and family (including my dad and sis back again), and I am looking forward to resting a little this weekend and Jonathan's continued healing.

I join my mom in thanking all of you for being so generous to us, and in giving thanks to the Lord, who continually comforts us.

Blessings tonight,
Nicole

Let it Snow...

2005-03-11T00:38:00.000-08:00

It is a cold, snowy morning in NYC. While it was beautiful as I walked to the hospital this morning, I suspect it will be slush by the time I walk home. I am learning quickly, and sometimes the hard way, about NYC puddles!
Jonathan actually had a peaceful night. In fact, his nurse said he slept until 7:00 this morning which is a definite first! I don't really know how anyone sleeps back there with the continuous beeping, poking, prodding, etc...
When I arrived this morning, Kathy (today's nurse) had Jonathan all packed up and ready to go to surgery. He seemed peaceful and a little excited to be getting a change of scenery. At this point anything is an improvement over the ICU, even though this is one of the nicest ICU units I have ever been in.

As soon as Jonathan saw me he wanted to know where I had been and asked me to rub his head with ice. He just stays hot all the time, so we do our best to keep him cool. I asked him if he was ready for surgery, and he wanted to know what they were going to do. He still forgets some things from day to day, but seemed to understand when I explained the procedure. Please pray for success of the surgery which is taking place right now.

I would like to again try to express our thanks for your support. Our family has long since come to the conclusion that we will never be able to repay the kindnesses shown, but only able to pass it on to others. So many of you have expressed your desire to help us, and if the circumstances were reversed, I am sure I would feel the same way. You may not realize how much you are helping us with your provisions for food and other basic needs, your encouraging cards and letters, and your compassionate phone calls. Even our beloved puppies, Emerson and Waldo (Boston Terriers, thus the names), are being taken care of by their "Aunts" Trina, Kim, Melanie, and others I am sure I don't know about. I will never again take for granted how much a kind gesture means in a time like this. Sometimes that is all we can offer one another, but the beautiful thing is that these all add up and provide a blanket of love and care. We are definitely "blanketed!"

Once again, without the love and care of our Heavenly Father, this would not have been bearable. I praise Him today for Jonathan's healing.

Sharon

nighttime again

2005-03-10T22:30:00.000-08:00

I wanted to send out a quick evening update on Jonathan, before the night gets away with us. Funny how the time just sort of flows by in this sanitized home of ours. Just flows on by, interrupted only by surgical procedures and shift changes, and marked only by so many uniform hours of waiting, standing, holding, caressing, praying. Tonight I felt I could also mark this eve of the third week by the size of my brother's arms. They are shrinking to where they look more like mine than his.

Jonathan has lain in bed today experiencing pretty excruciating pain, and more delusions. So not such a great report. As someone commented, all of the recent trappings (theraputty, for example) mark the contniued progress and healing of my brother. The hard part is watching him come back to us, as he begins to really feel what has been and is now going on.

Today Jonathan did not want to take the pain medication, because he has begun to realize that it makes him hallucinate (smart cookie, my brother). However, he has so much pain that he eventually has to be medicated; therefore, he eventually hallucinates again. This cycle seems like it is becoming our new modus operandi. Jonathan wants to tough it out and keep his senses (that's the brother I know), but this injury is capable of subjugating even Jonathan's tough-it-out-ness. I confess that this interplay of character and inevitabile, excruciating pain broke my heart tonight.

He is sleeping for now, so we are hoping for a restful night and a good day tomorrow, especially his first plastic surgery. Thanks for checking in tonight.

Nicole

a bit of news...

2005-03-10T17:05:00.000-08:00

Disclaimer 1: The Pres just updated their computer system today and we have been experiencing all sorts of issues.
Disclaimer 2: I just finished writing a blog and then completely lost it due to aforementioned computer issues. Here goes again.

Greetings all from a first time blogger. As someone who has become dependent on the information provided by the blog, I am taking up the torch of blog posting. I apologize that it has taken all day to get this posted, but the computer has not been particularly kind today.
I (Marci---initially a friend of Nicole's from Vandy, now a friend of the whole Shaub family as well as their entire extended family) arrived in New York last night, and have spent the day at the hospital with Sharon. I now have been introduced first-hand to life in room 2-306, including the proper manner in which to stock and organize the infamous shelves. Sharon and I visited with Jonathan most of the morning and early afternoon, holding his hands, rubbing his head with cool cloths, and "listening" (he communicates predominantly by mouthing words) to him talk about wanting to jump in the East River to cool down. As those before me have said, glimpses of Jonathan's humor, resilience, and stubbornness are ever present in the way he communicates, even though without words. So...news about Jonathan. He still hates having a feeding tube in his nose, and managed yet again to pull it out last night. He insists that he was only trying to scratch his head when the tube happened to "accidentally" come out in the process. Sharon and I both wonder about Jonathan's definition of accidental. The orthopedic doctor stopped in early this afternoon to check on the status of the ankle fracture. He removed the stitches, and seemed to be pleased with the progress thus far. The burn surgeon, who does skin grafts, also came by to talk to Sharon about upcoming surgeries. He feels that Jonathan is finally in a position to undergo skin graft surgery on the front portion of his left thigh and has scheduled it for tomorrow at around 11 AM. Unexpected, but welcome, news because it means that the wound is healing. This surgery will be the first of several skin grafts to come, the most difficult being those needed on the back of his leg. The burn surgeon also reminded us that there is a long way yet to go, and always uncertainty when dealing with the human body. It will just take time and a whole lot of prayer. Speaking on behalf of Sharon and the Shaub family, I know that they greatly appreciate all your prayers for Jonathan, and are so thankful for the love that has been, and continues to be, shown to them. Thank you.
Marci and Sharon

An Update from Joey Handy

2005-03-09T21:50:00.000-08:00

First the news. I have been told by Mrs. Shaub that the procedure to remove Jonathan's vascular filter today was a success. It always feels good to hear that a procedure was a success even if you have no idea what a vascular filter is or what it is used for... I know I was happy to hear about it. He also was asked today if he wanted to keep his facial hair and he instructed the nurse to "shave it all off." So Merritt and I walk in to see a clean shaven Jonathan, fresh from a successful procedure, sitting in his bed...WITH THE TV ON...WATCHING JEOPARDY... We couldn't believe our eyes!!! He smiled at us and then proceded to mouth the answers to several of the questions... I was standing there just smiling at him. I couldn't believe it. He went on to talk about several other things including, but not limited to: my girlfriend, NCAA Basketball, Seinfeld, ice chips and the fact that he wanted to make sure my ulimate frisbee season hadn't started because he is planning on playing with us. It was so great to finally get to talk to him. He is still in pain, but he seems to have accepted all the tubes and is getting more comfortable breathing through the trach. As we were leaving the nurse gave him a shot of pain medication and he started to close his eyes. We told him we were going to let him rest. He squeezed our hands and went to sleep very peacefully and as comfortable as possible considering the situation. I hope this blog conveys the way I am feeling with his progress. Keep the thoughts and prayers coming.

Joey Handy

P.S. I have been instructed to give everyone the address again to the hospital since Jonathan has changed rooms. So here it is:

NY Presbyterian Hospital
Attn: Jonathan Shaub Room 404
2 South Greenburg Pavilion
525 E 68th st.
New York, NY 10021

thumbs up

2005-03-09T14:36:00.000-08:00

Big sister here, reporting from the infamous Pres. Jonathan is currently being wheeled away to have his vascular filter removed. Hopefully the simple procedure will go without complication.

I write with feelings of great relief today. In spite of the last few nights, which have been long and trying for Jonathan, and the stress of midterms, I have been smiling a LOT today.

I'm thrilled to report that, for the last hour, I have had the first normal conversation with my brother that I have had since the accident. Granted, we are still talking mainly about ice chips and cold wet cloths, and how I should rub them, and why I shouldn't stop, and how I should please, please also just let him eat one piece of ice...:) But for the first time, Jonathan seemed to want me to chat to him a little about things outside the hospital. He can't do much chatting back, as he is tired, but I told him some silly NY news, asked him who he is going to marry in October (he doesn't seem to know), and watched him try to convince the nurse to let him eat one of Scott's mom's homemade chocolate chip cookies (his powers of persuasion are remarkable for someone who can't speak). Oh, my goodness. I believe I smiled more in the last hour than I have in the last two weeks combined.

Jonathan is still very weak, and he is not really remembering much. We continue to mostly watch and try to let him rest while we hold his hand or bathe his head in cool water, so I doubt the chatting will continue, and they are still wanting us to restrict visitors for the most part. Even when visitors do come, the most Jonathan can usually manage is a smile or a handshake, and then he has to rest again.

As this continues, I am amazed at watching my mom's tireless, gracious nursing - she never gets tired or impatient at the ice requests. Watching my mom's friends (like Marlene) support her also floors me. I can only hope to "grow up" to be like the women who surround me here, young and old. I also continue trying to learn lessons of trust. Last night, I had to leave my brother coughing and in pain, but I got to leave him with my friends Jim and Merritt. Some nights, I am learning, I just have to learn to trust, accept help, and learn to keep believing, though I don't believe, that morn can somehow tearless be.

Jonathan began regular physical therapy today with a fabulously kind and gentle physical therapist. This PT gave Jonathan some putty for his hands, which Jonathan has asked for a couple more times. Watching Jonathan knead that putty gave me some glimpse of the road to come - both the pain of recovery that lies ahead and the assurance of life that is so evident in those working, kneading hands.

When I told Jonathan about the blog today, he seemed to like it (at least the hand and head movements seemed to indicate positivity). I asked him if he wanted to say anything to his adoring fans, and he just shook his head (always the humble star, he is). But then, he looked up at me, released my hand, and just gave me a big thumbs-up. So thumbs up to all of you out there, and it's good to have Jonathan back a little more today. Though we may not be having our usual breakfast this Friday, here's hoping that Jonathan and I will have many more meals that are as joyful as the feast of ice chips today.

Nicole

p.s. a big Happy Birthday to Dad today. It's his big 5-0! I told Jonathan today, and he mouthed "Morton's" - where our family was planning to surprise Dad with birthday dinner. We agreed that we would definitely still have to get a free Morton's dinner out of this somehow...and brunch at the Plaza...:)

A Sigh of Relief

2005-03-08T22:06:00.000-08:00

I wanted to add a quick update to Carrie's farewell blog as we have some good news to share. The bloggers are thinning in 2-306, so you may be hearing a little more from me in the days to come. I may not be as funny or eloquent as my fellow bloggers, but I promise to give you the facts.
I spoke with the doctors after Jonathan's procedure tonight and found out that they are feeling pretty good about the healing progress of Jonathan's wounds (or boo boo's). As a matter of fact, they feel so good about it that they took him off the antibiotics. Yeah! Rah! For the first time the tightness in my chest loosened, and I smiled, I mean really smiled, for the first time in days. I didn't realize I had been holding my breath for so long. I felt real hope welling up within and a renewed strength knowing we have turned a significant corner and can begin the healing process. From what I understand, for the next week or two they will repeat the cleansing and redressing procedures of today until they feel it is time to begin the skin grafts. In the meantime, they will continue to work to get Jonathan comfortable with the trach and enable him to talk. So far, he has not been able to say more than a couple of words. This process is complicated by Jonathan's need for strong pain medication and heavy sedation during dressing changes, turning, etc...
Jonathan has been more peaceful today, although restrained as he pulled his feeding tube out multiple times last night. When I asked him why he was doing it, he communicated to me a very logical reason that made perfect sense-the food was making his stomach hurt. The nurses are beginning to use words like "persistant" and "determined" which quite frankly is music to my ears. His physical strength amazed me as I had to arm wrestle him on several occasions last night to keep various tubes intact. Needless to say, it was a rough night. Tonight should be better as they are giving him a different medication.
When I went in to see Jonathan a few minutes ago, he asked where Dad, Nicole, and Megan were and then mouthed the words, "I love you." I always get a little teary when he does that!
Once again, thank you all for your love, prayers, and generosity. You are taking care of our physical needs even from afar. Pray for a peaceful night and some sleep-also a safe cab ride home in the ice and snow!
Also pray for a safe procedure tomorrow to remove the vascular(?) filter. Merritt and Jim (with Joey on call) are taking the late shift so the rest of us can get some sleep.
Praise God for the blessings of today!
Sharon

hi ho, hi ho...

2005-03-08T17:57:00.000-08:00

i wish i could whistle. carrie here. well, here it is. the farewell (for now) blog. geesy peesy, this is hard. my two suitcases are packed and sitting here in 2-306 with me...just waiting to hit the road again. gotta go back to work, i guess. it is a blustery snowy day here in the city, and i am anticipating much traffic between here and the train station, so i'm afraid i'm going to have to make this somewhat brief--a relief to some of you, i'm sure.

first things first; i must address a couple of things. yes, i have been reading your comments, and i have a few replies of my own. i have a few things to say to mister "anonymous." regarding the question of adoption: i addressed my father concerning this issue, and without hesitating (or thinking, i'd like to add), he replied, "tell them it's expensive." i don't think he meant it affectionately. maybe ginge would care to take me in? regarding the question of beatles album: rubber soul? really? i see why you chose to remain anonymous.

on to more important matters. jonathan. he's been in a "procedure" most of the day back in his room. from what i understand, they're just taking a good look at some wound-age, changing various dressings, x-raying, ultrasounding, changing lines, etc. the ultrasound revealed a small blood clot in his left shoulder due to his a-line. so they removed the a-line (no longer deeming it necessary) and believe the clot will dissolve with the addition of blood-thinner. we understand that there will be another procedure tomorrow to remove a vein filter that is also no longer needed. it'll just be another long session back there with the curtains closed while we sit out here and wait for them to finish. naturally, you all know where i stand on this--i swear i saw someone wheel in a smoke maching, and i'm pretty sure i heard a strong bass beat coming from behind that curtain; quite frankly, i'm offended that we did not get invited to the first of the in-house-parties. don't worry--i'll give jonathan a good long talking-to about this. ok, who am i kidding? i'm such a sucker--all i end up doing in there is wiping his face with a cold towel every time he slightly sticks his bottom lip out and furrows his eye-brows (not entirely un-akin to a puppy-dog, i'd like to add). oh well, i suppose it's to make up for the arm-wrestling that later ensues when he tries to--disoriented as he gets--pull on his tubes.

i am overcome with several emotions at the moment, so i think i'll bring this to a close. i'm sad, i think. the most recurring thought that i have when i sit back there and watch jonathan is that i just wish it were me instead. but alas...i'm not in the business of questioning god's ways, so i guess i have to deal with the fact that it's not me and that it's off to work i must go. (shameless plug alert: if any of you feel like trucking town to hunstville, alabama, this weekend--i'll have five shows there.) please hug the shaubs there in nashville, and i'll hug the shaubs here as i depart.

Persistent and Relentless

2005-03-08T00:35:00.000-08:00

So sorry it has taken so long to blog, but we got a late start this morning. I not sure what i expected coming back to the Pres. but I was overjoyed to see how good Jonathan looks. He said ( mouthed) Hi, Miss Marlene. He is awake and aware about everyting going on around him. Maybe too aware! He is obsessed with his tubes and the machines. Thinking that he knows best about his care, he has pulled his feeding tube out several times. When they have to once again restrain his hands, he angelically promises faithfully to "never do it again". RIGHT!
He is relentless and determined. And somehow those words are comforting, for that is why Jonathan will recover. Recover, a word that we were afraid to utter 18 days ago, but now it is within grasp. As a blogger said, like a NYC spring, slow but sure. He will blossom into recovery.
Today they will clean his wounds,and perform an ultrasound on his left arm. It is a bit swollen and they want to rule out a clot. They will continue to restrain his hands to make sure he can't pull on anything. Someone is back in the room most of the time to comfort him and try to help him understand. Your prayers are coveted to specifically help Jonathan relax and not have to fight the care.
Thanking you all for your continued vigilance to the Father for Jonathan and the family.
Till next time, Marlene

no rest for the weary

2005-03-08T00:20:00.000-08:00

well, quick update for the night, just for those of you who check faithfully.

jonathan is not resting quite so peacefully tonight, at least not yet. we're hoping a recent injection of attavan will help him quiet down for the night. for today, he has been completely off his sedative and pain drips (apparently referred to around here as a "sedative vacation"), receiving them only as needed. he has therefore been in a lot of pain, but the most coeherent state of mind since the accident.

we have spent the last 10 hours or so bathing his face with wet towels, getting him ice packs, trying to calm him down, and watching him hurt. i take hope in actually having conversations with jonathan that do not involve gangsters and knife fights, but this is certainly an exhausting and frightening process for him. tomorrow afternoon he should have the surgical cleaning procedure which was originally planned for today.

we received a couple of very generous packages today, and i thank those of you who are supporting us in EVERY way. some of you have found your calling as bloggers...others have written us long letters every day...food continues to flow in...several housing options have miraculously appeared...a few starbucks cards have arrived:) thanks for reading this (even if you never blog), for loving jonathan and us so astoundingly, and for continuing to pray.

someone has disorganized my shelf, so i'm afraid my calling is elsewhere for now...

nicole

Monday morning - Day 17

2005-03-07T08:32:00.000-08:00

Jonathan is resting fairly peacefully this morning. Last night marks the first night that we left him at the hospital alone for a couple of hours, in between night and morning shifts. As weary as we are beginning to feel, I cannot imagine what this must be like for him. I can only hope that Jonathan will just sort of emerge from a fog once he is getting better, and not have to remember these long nights of fear and anxiety and pain.

Jonathan is scheduled for a procedure on his wound today. If all comes out as expected, that should confirm that he is indeed beginning this slow healing process.

Megan and Dad are scheduled to leave today, so pray for the resilience of our family as we part ways and try to keep up the other necessary functions of our lives, as well as our hope, our stamina, and our health.

Blessings on this gorgeous Monday morning. We will report further once we hear from the doctors and/or surgeons.

Nicole

Fear and Laughter

2005-03-07T00:32:00.000-08:00

For all of you late-night bloggers I thought I would send you to bed with a little sense of peace. I just said goodnight to Jonathan, and feel very encouraged after a pretty long bout with discouragement. In reference to my last blog, I see more of my brother in his eyes than I have in a long time. He is pretty scared tonight and went back in hallucination mode for awhile claiming that he died last night, and Hunter brought him back to life by breathing into his tube. He has two animals placed on his stomach directly above his wounds. I asked him if he put them there, and he said yes. Then, I asked him if he liked them there and he nodded yes. He aws so cute comforting himself with a little stuffed elephant (Ernie) and a dog. When he looked at me, though, he said "I love you" about ten times. Then, he said "No matter what happens, I love you." So, he is pretty scared right now, and he keeps wanting us to check on his wounds (a word Nicole and I have grown to hate by the way), so I ask for prayers for his peace and comfort and that he may have a brief respite from this crazy dreamworld of his. I know the medicine does it, but I just want him to be able to rest peacefully again. My parents are in there right now waiting for him to fall asleep, but he is very fearful tonight and wants someone to hold his hand--so my mom wants to stay all night. This is a pretty big transitioning time...and he needs a lot of attention, so please keep everyone in your prayers right now. It looks like my mom and I are going to pull the night shift tonight to be with him, so pray for our strength. I sat in his room, very sad because I want my brother back and I want him healed, but I was humbled when I began to realize how gracious God is to return him to me at all. "Praise God from whom all blessings flow!" God sends blessings even in the most trying times, but they are still challenging to go through.
megan
Now for interesting facts from the waiting room
by Nicole and Megan

10. Nicole "mopped" our waiting room area on her hands and knees with "Wet Ones" wipes, which confirms to me that Nicole TRULY enjoys cleaning the waiting room

9. Megan did extensive research online by googling images of hess oil trucks to try and figure out Jonathan's wounds , which leads me to number 8

8. We have collectively decided that we despise the word "wound" the most, closely followed by any derivative of the word "seep" because we have heard these words too often in the waiting room

7. Carrie taught us that it is acceptable and fashionable to sport a dress over your jeans in the waiting room

6. Because of his friend from the waiting room, Dad receievd complimentary Knicks tickets--and forcing dad out of the waiting room for the first time since the accident, waiting room inhabitants had their first glimpse of stardom. Dad saw Spike Lee and Candace Bergen at the game.

5. Jim Holmberg can carry over 40 bottles of water at a time into the waiting room

4. A Shaub in the ICU generates around four times as much trash as any other patient for the waiting room

3. Mom has sectioned off her own corner of our corner of the waiting room and moved in, and it now olds several pairs of shoes (including red, holy clogs), around six knitting projects, various types of pillows (including a miniature feather pillow), and severaal bags that as she says, hold her entire life

2. When enough men get into the waiting room,they can still find a sporting event to scream about (today's golf match)--and we didnt even have to watch it in spanish :)

1. We have adopted an official mascot of the waiting room...a small, stuffed lion wearing a maroon shirt that says "Someone in Harlem loves you." He was lovingly dubbed Cornell by his best friend Russ and the fifty other people sitting in the waiting room. He and the elephant, Maple(named by Jonathan) bring much comfort to the waiting room.

The Three Stooges...

2005-03-06T16:45:00.000-08:00

As the time of our departure approaches, the Shaubs have urged Russ, Seth, and myself (Michael) to post a blog before we go. Because merging our thoughts into one cohesive unit may be an order just slighty too tall for the three of us, we'll each write a little something seperately for you all to chew on. But first things first: the night was good to Jonathan. He slept, perhaps for the first time, quite well and quite deeply, only waking for routine checks and things of that sort (sleeping through some, however!). Everyone here is most thankful for such a peaceful night and for all the prayers that continue to bring good news such as this. Tomorrow will be an important day for Shaubie with regard to the "next step," so please please please continue to pray. With that said, I give your eager and hungery minds over to the thoughts and reflections of some of Jonathan's most bizarre and quarky friends, starting with myself.

Michael Ewing: Coming into an environment such as this is a fearful and uncertain endeavor. The emotions I had experienced in Knoxville, far removed from the living reality of this whole accident, had been quite bad enough, and I truly had no inclination as to whether or not they would worsen as I got closer. As result, I naturally prepared myself for the worst--for tears, shock, and disappointment. As things happen to go, however, I have found more peace and more comfort here than I could have ever imagined. Laughter, something which has been extraordinarly absent from my life in the past two weeks, returned with vigor on Friday and has stayed close by ever since. Coming under the notion that I was to provide support to the Shaubs, I have realized that they--in their strength, their grace, their patience, and their smiles--have provided me with far more than I could have ever given them. God is clearly--and most marvelously--working here. Love prevades this waiting room, and all I can do in response is shrug my shoulders and sigh, knowing that the God of All Glory is watching after the hearts of those I love. Jonathan, under the present circumstances, just couldn't be in a better place.

Russ Long: I've been sitting here for the past 5 or 6 hours(ha ha) while Michael was typing, and trying to decide how best to describe our weekend to everyone back in Nashville and everywhere else. I don't really know how to describe the things that I've experienced this weekend, but I'll share a couple things. First of all, as many others before me have told you, Jonathan is being well taken care of. Not only by his nurses and doctors, but also by his family and friends. When I saw him yesterday afternoon,it was such a strange mix of emotions. I was so glad to be there with him, but at the same time it was so hard to see him . Michael and I sat with him for 30 mins or so, with him falling asleep and waking back up most of the time we were with him. The nurses finally kicked us out but before I left, I held Jonathan's hand and told him I loved him, and that I'd be back later. He slowly opened his eyes, and smiled at me. It was hard for me to see him trying to speak, trying to tell me things, and not being able to understand him. But that smile was better than anything else I could have imagined. Well, it's almost time to head home, so I better let Seth write. Thanks for listening and keep writing (from being here this weekend, I can tell you your comments are really appreciated).

Seth McInteer: Leaving here will be extremely difficult. Shaub looks like he is in peace as he sleeps. When he wakes, his eyes roam, his mind attempts to process, and his body fights. Watching him is difficult, but he looks much better than I expected. Selfishly, I wish I could spend more time with Jonathan awake, but he is finally getting some much needed sleep. I truly wish I could explain more of the setting here, but my emotions don't really allow me to express what I feel. Sitting in the waiting room has allowed for us to have some fun with the Shaubs and share in a little laughter. I can leave feeling much better about Jonathan than when I came.

There you have it. Being here is so many things which are so hard to relay. But, with certainty, it is undeniably good. Great, even. And hard to let go. Keep showering this place with your prayers and your love; it makes it what it is. We love and thank you all...

Michael, Russ, and Seth

Glimpses of Jonathan

2005-03-05T23:25:00.001-08:00

It is around ten thirty here at "The Pres," and my parents just left for the night. Russ, Michael, Seth, Nicole, and I are here, and the boys will be pulling the night shift tonight. They got here around 5 or 6 this morning and have not really had a nap since...they are golden! Jonathan made a step forward tonight. James, the respiratory therapist, changed Jonathan's trach valve tonight and started teaching him how to talk with it. My mom and dad got to listen to his "first words," and they said he sounded like normal except for the fact that he was not making much sense. After talking a little while, he began gagging/coughing...so my parents left, and James put the other valve back in. Thank God for the encouragement Jonathan's words provided for my parents and for the rest of us. Although Jonathan seems to be making some serious progress, he is still receiving blood. He also had to restart his continuous drip of pain medication, and they increased his level of sedation medication. We want to ask for specific prayers for his strength and that he will allow himself to rest because he is fighting the sleep pretty hard right now. He is resting now, though...yay!

After being gone for nearly a week, I have returned to the hospital with a different perspective. I walked into his room somewhere in the back of my mind expecting to see my brother and hear my brother exactly how I used to know him before all of this. Without meaning to or wanting to, I had seperated myself from the reality of all this...and it broke my heart to see him in that bed again and to realize that Jonathan--my lively, passionate, strong brother was still hooked up to breathing machines and feeding tubes. He is still in pain and in for more surgery and more struggles and setbacks and steps forward. To me his body looks better. Although he seems to be losing some weight, he physically looks healthier to me. His eyes are what cause me to really hurt. Never have I seen one pair of eyes dart around the room and inspect everything so thoroughly while the body lies so still. His eyes are fearful, nervous, and anxious, which are all emotions I am not accustomed to seeing in my brother's eyes. Right now, some terrible dream world haunts Jonathan, and by hearing his ramblings, it sounds like such a terrifying place to be. So, pray for some peace for him.

This sounds a bit depressing, but I just want to give everyone a little picture of him right now. He is making progress, but as so many have said...this is just going to be so long. Right now I think we all just miss Jonathan and we cannot pick up the phone and call him or see him or anything. I know that I miss him and just want my brother back. He is still there, though, and we see glimpses of him everyday. So, we are slowly getting Jonathan back. I love you guys...keep praying. Thanks!

Megan

The Big Apple

2005-03-05T14:18:00.000-08:00

Nicole here (again).

On behalf of my entire family, I am taking a minute this morning to write a totally inadequate thank you to the people in New York City who have cared for us for two weeks now.

Everyone who has been up here this past two weeks (including my family) has commented on how amazing all of the people in New York have been. Even our doctors, nurses, and waiting room companions have been overly accomodating and kind. This tragedy has certainly done a lot for the image of Manhattan-dwellers, and I'm happy to see my two homes (Tennessee and New York) grow to love each other.

Anyway, we have been overwhelmed at the efforts of my/Jonathan's fellow New Yorkers. From my generous fellowship group brothers and sisters to the sweet people at FDA, to my and Jonathan's employers, our roommates, and to people who are a part of our extended family and our church families...your efforts have staid us in an otherwise unbearable time. We thank you (without knowing how we can ever repay the kindnesses) for your food, visits, apartments, prayers, and other efforts. I know there are many people in Nashville who would love to be doing the same as constantly as those of you in New York have been able to do.

Jonathan is resting peacefully today, continuing his best sleep since the accident. Thanks from the waiting room...

Nicole

Peace Like a River

2005-03-05T11:40:00.000-08:00

It is a beautiful morning in NYC. The sun is shinning brightly and the temperature is a little milder. As I started out to the hospital this morning I decided it would be a great day to walk. I am amazed by my comfort with the city-it is not so intimidating anymore. Walking enables me to clear my head and prepare myself emotionally for the day.
Usually, I am an early riser, so I take the early morning shift. This morning I am joined by my sister Mary, Michael Ewing, Russ Long, and Seth McInteer. They are keeping me entertained and taking care of things in the waiting room. Right now, they have gone to get me breakfast. It seems there is always a willing hand to take care of our needs.
I have been quietly sitting with Jonathan this morning. As the sun reflects peacefully on the East River that flows by Jonathan's window, I am reminded of the hymn, "Peace like a River." I was very relieved to see him peaceful and asleep today after a very restless day yesterday. He looks better and is free of fever for now. The ICU staff has been concerned about his sleep deprivation so we have had to limit the number of people visiting him to primarily family. It touches me that his friends love him so much that they understand this and find ways to minister to us while they wait.
I spoke with James, Jonathan's respiratory therapist, at length this morning about the trach. He was very nice and so informative. They are planning to begin allowing Jonathan to talk, although it will take a little work to make that happen. When James asked Jonathan if he would like to try to talk, Jonathan nodded his head "yes," and then mouthed the words, "maybe later." It seems Jonathan finally wants to sleep! While we were talking, James was looking at the banners from OC and the pictures that we have hung in Jonathan's room. He was very touched and asked me a lot of questions about our church and family. You are all making an impact from miles away-our OC family and our extended family and friends alike.
I cannot imagine a better ICU unit for Jonathan to be in (except maybe Vanderbilt, of course!). The doctors and nurses do not take their job lightly, and have given Jonathan excellent care. I am not sure they always know what to do with our little multitude surrounding us here, but they have been very patient and compassionate with us.
I will sign off for now as I am highly distracted by Michael singing a jingle from a TV commercial-you can all picture this, I am sure! I don't know what I would do without the humor and energy brought by the young people gathered to do vigil with us here.
Pray for Jonathan's continued healing and the ablilty to communicate today. Pray for David and I as we begin to try to make some long term plans and David prepares to return home.
Sharon

sweet indeed

2005-03-05T00:56:00.000-08:00

I just wanted to add to Allison's blog. I have actually returned to my NYC apartment for only the second time in two weeks to sleep sweet, normal hours of rest.

My heart is so full tonight as I try to relax, try not to worry or wonder or revisit...But this last day or two has brought great comfort to me, selfishly. Right now I am surrounded by mine and Jonathan's closest friends, including my family (plus Aunt Mary). How comforted I felt tonight (as the days are starting to seem longer) by getting to do a little big-sister teasing with all of my other "little" brothers who have come up to be with Jonathan. The funny thing is, that though these guys certainly will tease back, they have become men of depth, of loyalty, and of love. So here's to all those little brothers who used to drive me bonkers - joey and seth and russ and michael, and i'm going to say hunter was probably like that too - who have turned into these amazing compassionate men. Jonathan has the loveliest friends, and I know he will be moved when he finally understands what has happened and who was here with him.

Of course, being arguably feminist, I can't forget the ladies here today. My friend Allison and my aunt Mary are two of those people in my life who are what I might call "mischievious." They are people who can make us laugh, but who understand and easily navigate the subtleties of sorrow and humor that really do sort of settle in that waiting room. What comfort to hug them goodnight and leave all of my family in their respective hands. And sweet Shannon has been a quiet and gentle spirit here, bestowing her kindness to all of us. I confess also to feeling more at peace now that my sister has returned - my partner and friend in this crisis. Jonathan has received lavish tenderness today, so I am not surprised to see him resting so peacefully.

Tonight I rest easy, arms held (as some faithful blogger suggested) by the many Aarons and Hurs here (and my own literal arms by Merritt, Jim, and Carrie, who watch out for me in spite of myself). I tentatively test the waters of hope again...for life, for Jonathan, for blessing out of sorrow.

Until the blogging urge hits again,
Nicole

Sweet hour of rest

2005-03-05T00:10:00.000-08:00

"O Isreal, put your hope in the Lord both now and forevermore"
-Psalm 131:3

This is the last verse of the Psalm that Jonathan asked Ricky and I to read over and over yesterday. I wonder if his persistence is becuase he does not remember the reading between intermittent sleep, but I prefer to think that he is clinging to the words and the repetition is a comfort. He would bring his index finger up to my gloved hand and pencil the numbers 1-3-1, the message was cryptic at first, but by the end of our time with him we definitely knew the drill. We would read and his eyes would close.

Tonight, though, there are no cryptic messages, there is hardly even stirring in his room and the lights are out. JONATHAN IS SLEEPING (insert songs of praise here). We rejoiced after talking to his night nurse Sally that Jonathan was very restful as the night shift begins. Although we are not going into his room I can imagine his brow relaxed and his arms quiet by his sides (another song, if you will). Sally seems very kind but is firm in her request that no one disturb JD's time of rest. (Way to go Sally!)

As we hunker down to seek some rest ourselves during night two in 2-306, Ricky and I are saying prayers of praise tonight- for Jonathan's rest, for a good surgery report today, for David's continuing recovery, and for the yummy meatloaf that Daniel Chang brought us tonight. We are reminded, though, that these victories are only a few in a long line of many still awaited and we will contine to pray without ceasing. In a moment like this I understand why Jonathan wants the verses read AGAIN, lest we forget...

"O Isreal, put your hope in the Lord both now and forevermore"
-Psalm 131:3

Goodnight all,
the Lewises
(Allison and Ricky)

Another Surgery Over - Prayers and Narcotics

2005-03-04T15:54:00.000-08:00

Dad here, sipping on my bottle of codeine - halfway hoping small remnants of my flu will require continued medication. (I just helped Hunter take out Big Savon, so don't expect any more trouble from him.)

Our mood is a bit giddy - probably too much so - but what a relief to get some "not bad" news. Jonathan just returned from his sixth surgery on the fourteenth day of this journey. The wounds were safely cleaned and are free from infection, progressing slowly toward healing. The next wound inspection and cleaning is set, like clockwork, for next Monday. This healing process is so slow - but my codeine/ambien nightly cocktail is helping the impatience quite a bit.

We were able to complete the post-op conversation without Dr. Shou, his excellent surgeon, mentioning the words "life threatening" - a new and pleasant experience. (I must admit to having had a sick feeling in my stomach the last 48 hours in anticipation of yet another body blow.) There is still significant risk in Jonathan's condition, with many complications lurking for such a long recovery. We are still very anxious about the signficant muscle loss in his left leg. However, another week of this type of healing and the plastic surgery team may be ready to go to work. So, please keep praying.

The love we have received the past two weeks is beyond comprehension and has provided comfort for the pain of our hearts. Thanks for continuing to provide light to us in this darkness.

Dad

Room 2-306- the night shift

2005-03-04T12:54:00.000-08:00

Allison (Bradfield) Lewis, reporting from NYC...

I know that my "11:15" will never be the same. Promptly at 11:15 each night the lights go off in room 2-306. Around that time we recieve our instructions for night duty and are informed whether we may or may not visit Jonathan through the late night hours. Tonight, we will get very brief visits, but mostly must let JD rest so that his heart rate and respiration-rate (allison terms, not dr.s), can be lowered and he can relax. Really, though, it is only Jonathan who seems to be controlling when JD rests (anyone surprised?). He fights to stay awake-the pain medicine does not seem to be able to overcome his sheer will power in this area. If you are still up and reading this please pray for his peaceful rest tonight, both physically and mentally. He will have more surgery tomorrow afternoon to continue cleaning the dead tissues from his wounds. Please also pray that this surgery will determine that all such tissues have been removed. As I understand it, this news would be a milestone indicating that things can move on- the wounds can be closed and other treatment can begin. I am confident that tomorrow will reveal the power of those prayers, once again.

So that was the facts and JD news. Ginger, my mom, and others who might not mind my ramblings can keep reading from here...

I know many of you can relate to the fact that for the last 13 days I have experienced such a longing to know this 2-306 place, to experience its going and comings, and most of all to wrap my arms around the people that in many ways have made this room home. Now that I am here and I realize how inaccurate my personal mental images have been, I wish that I could give you a detailed descritpion and paint a clear picture for you (the color of the couches, the squishy pillows provided by sweet "Aunt Jenny", the stacks and stacks of goodies and mail from loved ones, etc), but I think you just have to see it to believe it. I am not sure how to convey to you the awe of watching Sharon Shaub (affectiontely referred to as Sha-Lo) and "Aunt Mary" minister to other mothers, sisters, and wives in the waiting room, or the friends (and friends-of-friends) who are in and out all day just to bring goodies and a smile and ask for the latest news, the laughter that often fills the room (somewhat reduced by the departing of Galin and Lane), or Nicole tirelessly meeting the needs of each of us. But despite my inability to bring room 2-306 to you, please know that you are here. I was so small-minded to think that the Shaub's were far away from their "church family", but I have learned over the last two days how long the arms of our community really are. You are here with this family in the letters you send, the blogs you type (speaking of blogs- a shout out here to ginge from carrie), money you've sent for food, the packages you've sent including so many creative and thoughtful pieces of home, and Miss Laurie's broccoli cheese soup recipe that found its way into my carry-on. I cannot think of any similarities between Nashville and New York except maybe that both start with 'N', but I know that New York (gruff people in the grocery store and all) is Jonathan's home so although i've seen it before I'm glad to have been here this week to experience it with new eyes.

Okay, enough. Remind me never to start such things at "11:15" again, obviously my stream of thought is uncontrollable with the lights out in 2-306.

Love to all,
ABL

No more dreams upon waking

2005-03-03T10:18:00.000-08:00

I just got back from seeing Jonathan awake this morning, and I wanted to share briefly what joy it was to smile at him and see him smile back. It is hard to see him with the trach tube in his throat, suffering from thirst and pain, but I still get to see him and talk to him! The smile on my face was hard to contain as I stepped by to let my mom get to his side. When my grandfather stepped in, Jonathan mouthed, "how are you?" and wanted to know where grandmother was - that's my little brother, always thinking of others!

We still battle discouragement, particularly as we wonder what may lie ahead. The doctors had to remove some muscle in the surgery last night, so it is hard to know what to expect in the future. With no infection showing up yesterday, though, it does feel as though Jonathan may be out of life-threatening danger if all goes well tomorrow. Hopefully we have turned a corner...

Thanks for doing vigilance with us, near and far.

Nicole

Roll on.............

2005-03-03T01:35:00.000-08:00

Day 13 has just begun at the Pres. This blogging stuff is very intimidating becuase it seems like every blog so far has been written by someone with skills equal to or better than Max Lucado. To say this takes us out of our comfort zone is an understatement! This is our second night to take the midnight watch with Jonathan. Tonight started much more quietly in the waiting room (which is much smaller than we imagined) than last night. Our one-on-one time with Jonathan during our night shift duty lets us know how hard he is fighting to get better. To hear some encouraging news today seemed to brighten every eye in the room.

Earlier this week, the ICU staff agreed to let the crew pull a "While You Were Out" (Becky and Julie will be proud of that reference!) and decorate his room with pictures and the large yellow banners sent from Otter Creek. God's presence is VERY real in this place and it can be felt intensely in his room.

Tuesday night was an especially sweet experience for us. The routine is for us to go in every 30 minutes or so to check on Jonathan. If he is sleeping, we'll spend about 10 minutes or so holding his hand and rubbing his arm, praying silently and cherishing the moment of peace and rest. Bear in mind that when he is awake, because of the respirator, he can only communicate through head nods, eye movement (he loves to wink) and hand gestures. He was wide awake from 3:30 to 4:30 and again from 6:00 to 7:30. During those times, we read Psalms to him and prayed with him - both of which he loved. If we stopped reading, he would raise is hand off the pillow and give us the "roll on" gesture meaning for us to continue reading. We had conversations with Jonathan, and even though he could only respoond with a nod or a wink, he was talking back! God was right there with us all night providing protection and comfort in 2 South ICU. May He be glorified through everything that happens!

Nicole, Merritt and Carrie have done a tremendous job of organizing the support needed to make things run smoothly for the family and for Jonathan. Their efforts have been tireless and their job has been difficult and awkward as they coordinate visitors, food and logistics. Their efforts have made this experience for the Shaubs much easier to deal with on a day to day basis. They are three absolutely amazing Christian women who God is using in a powerful way.

It is impossible to describe the love that has been shown to the Shaub family through the countless prayers, cards, letters and blogs - some of which are from people they do not know personally, but are brothers and sisters in Christ! These gestures sustain the family even more than the food they eat.

The night shift has to get back to work! With love, one day at a time,

Galen and Lane

After Surgery Update: Wednesday Afternoon, March 2

2005-03-02T18:52:00.000-08:00

The hours crawl by quickly here in the waiting room... we look up and suddenly it's 5:30 and dark outside! This is Jonathan's Aunt Mary, giving you the afternoon update. Jonathan returned from his latest surgery about an hour ago. The doctors removed some more dead skin, but were able to skirt away from the sciatic nerve, which is what they were hoping for. There is a bit more skin that they will monitor, and he will go in for more surgery on Friday. The ankle is looking good at this point. They did perform a tracheostomy, which ought to be more comfortable for him than the ventilator.
Having only been here about twenty-four hours, I am somewhat overwhelmed by ICU life, and not feeling particularly eloquent, but I think of how I felt when I was sitting back in Nashville hunched over my computer, reading these blogs. So this is what I will tell you on this late afternoon.
Yesterday when I walked into Jonathan's room, I was amazed at how beautiful his face looked. His cheeks were slightly flushed; his skin perfectly smooth. When I held his hand and rubbed his arm, I thought of all the people all over the world who wanted so badly to be doing that, and I did it for you. He was somewhat wakeful and knew me and my father. He wrinkled his brow and winked (but he winked a lot more at his cute new nurse) This afternoon he is more sedated. That cute nurse wants him calm right now, and is highly discouraging winking.
I continue to be amazed at the outpouring of love and food and comfort surrounding the Shaubs here. And Jonathan feels it, I know. When I rub his head and tell him that God is with him, he nods his head. Last night, Scott Owings prayed over him, and you could see his entire face relax. I think there are others who'll be blogging in later to tell you more about their time with him over these last couple of days. And now I have to go, because Sharon is worrying me to death. And believe me, that is music this little sister's ears. Love to all, Aunt Mary

His Banner Over the Shaubs is Love!

2005-03-02T08:30:00.000-08:00

Good morning this is Scott O. I'm about to fly out this morning back to Nashville, leaving as you might imagine with mixed emotions. On the one hand, I'm a little sad and hurting to depart. Like you I love this family so much and I just hate to leave. On the other hand, I go with a strong sense of peace. Peace that Jonathan is in great hands with these talented doctors and amazing nurses. (Surgery is still scheduled for around 10am but you know how that goes!) Peace that a new wave of family and friends has arrived to man the night-watch and to pray. Peace that your prayers are covering David, Sharon, Nicole, Megan, and especially Jonathan. And peace that, despite how much we all love this family, our Father in Heaven loves them even more!

This gift of God's peace sort of overwhelmed me yesterday. I was playing nurse to David (you have to love David!), and on the way back to the hospital I took a little walk through Central Park. As Nicole blogged yesterday it was such a lovely day here with all the snow, and the kids were out in full force sledding and skiing. Maybe you've heard about the so-called 'Gates' that have been put up at the Park? I'm not sure why they call these odd looking things 'Gates' for they look like banners to me...and Tennessee (and Ukrainian) orange at that! (I'm sorry to offend but they are bit tacky if you ask me and I can't for the life of me figure out why they chose THAT color...I mean maybe burnt orange at least!). But as I walking and seeing the orange banners over my head, I was touched deeply with how people from Tennessee and the Ukraine, and countless others around the globe, are praying for healing and love and peace on the Shaubs. Even more I was reminded that God IS present, over this family, and his banner over the Shaubs is love!

Let's continue to pray fervently today: that God, who is love, would guide the surgeons, that Jonathan's strong body would continue to heal, and that the family who is a living testament to the love of God would fill his deep and abiding peace. Romans 8.35-38

Whispering Hope

2005-03-01T22:50:00.000-08:00

As I read the words to this hymn earlier today, my heart was filled with peace and comfort. This has stayed with me throughout the day, even though things have not changed that much. Jonathan has also been very peaceful and asleep all day. He remains sedated, but isn't restless as in the days past. Tomorrow morning he will again undergo surgery. We have been told that it will be somewhat tricky as they will be removing dead skin very close to the sciatic (sp) nerve. The doctors have confirmed tonight that they will also be doing a tracheostomy.
I awoke from a power nap on the blue couch to see my Father and sister just arrived. This was a wonderful surprise as I had no idea my Dad was coming. Galen Foster and Lane Thomas were with them, so we have reinforcements.
Please forgive the brevity of this entry, but I am just too tired to wax eloquent. Please continue to pray as the success of the surgeries to debris the dead skin are vital to Jonathan's recovery. Pray for David as he is sick and has been unable to be at the hopital today.
May God bless you all tonight.
Our prayers are also with Thomas Griffith and his family tonight.
Mom

snow

2005-03-01T12:32:00.000-08:00

The city is covered in a beautiful snow today as Jonathan recuperates from yesterday's surgery. Jonathan was able to sleep last night for the first time in three days. This morning, Jonathan continues to rest peacefully as the snow falls softly outside his window. I like to think that somehow, he feels the calm cleanness of a snowy day in Manhattan, the kind of day that he has always loved.

Jonathan will remain sedated today, and we have news this morning that he will go back into surgery again tomorrow. They will continue to remove dead skin from his wounds in surgery (so that it does not infect his bloodstream). The orthopedic team will also consult, because there seems to be some concern about damage to Jonathan's cyatic (sp?) nerve. Before the surgery tomorrow, Jonathan will have a tracheotomy (because of the extensive surgeries that this condition requires), and the doctors told my mom that we should expect another three weeks in the intensive care unit.

The doctors marveled to my mom this morning about Jonathan's lack of broken bones. They told her that they rarely see this kind of injury with no broken bones. So we praise God for miracles - sweet Jonathan could easily be lying in his bed with a shattered pelvis, or a broken femur - injuries which would complicate his treatment and heighten his pain.

Somehow, I felt the calm landing softly on me today, too, as I walked through snowflakes to the deli for our daily coffees and egg sandwiches. Tonight I will begin going back to classes, in hopes of finding that "new normal" that so many have faithfully encouraged me to seek. I confess the idea is mostly ludicrous at the moment, but it feels right to push on toward graduation. Jonathan was (and hopefullly still is) as excited about my graduation as I have been. I believe through the uncertainty today that we will still do our celebratory brunch at the Plaza, albeit slightly postponed...

I confess that my fiercely controlling and independent nature has struggled to try and manage this process in these long, wearisome days. Yet this week, I have experienced (for the first time in my very controlled and autonomous life) the sensation of coasting on the strength and the kindness of others. A friend gently encouraged me to let go a bit yesterday, so that I might be fully able to receive God's boundless love to me through these gifts, through this time. I believe God brought me this image of snow today, as I struggle to understand how to receive that boundless love. After the last big snow we had here, Jonathan and Scott and Kristin went to the park to "play." I wasn't able to go, but I remember Jonathan telling me about how peaceful it was, how lovely it was to watch the people in Central Park sled and ski and romp and rest and laugh. The snow makes me think of that conversation. It feels gentle, such a soft, peaceful blanket, and it feels able to bear me smoothly to whatever end is coming, and even hope for a few laughs along the way. I believe this experience has radically changed the way that my family and I understand giving and love, and I believe that the sensation of gentleness I have this morning, the restful but weary hope I have in my heart, is a testimony to the community of faith that is bearing this burden with (and often for) us.

Pray for continued peace today, and for physical protection upon Jonathan's body as well as my dad's, who is sick in bed with a terrible case of the flu today. I like to think that I can feel those prayers as constantly as the snowflakes falling today in this grand and vicious city...

Nicole

Today's Post-Surgery Update

2005-02-28T21:15:00.000-08:00

carrie and merritt reporting.

(Merritt here) Jonathan has returned from surgery and is back in his ICU "room with a view" (of the East River and all the snow coming down). The parents have had the opportunity to speak with the surgeon (twice) this evening and there seemed to be neither any surprises nor changes since the last surgery on Thursday (2/24). The surgeries are necessary for removing any skin/tissue that seems to have died as a result of the impact from the accident--they basically go in and clean out any of the tissue that needs to be removed. Some of the dead tissue is soft, connective tissue, some is muscle, and some is skin.

(carrie now...merritt wanted me to let you know because she doesn't want you to think she'd be careless enough to leave out capital letters. the horror! so the NON-capitalization is mine. not merritt. i'm lazy. she's not.)
they remove everything that is absolutely necessary, leaving other tissue that might be questionable (i.e. it could go either way--get better or worse). they will keep a close watch and are anticipating going back in again on wednesday (at the latest) to clean again and see how the "questionable" tissue fared. because of the heavy sedation and pain medication, jonathan is back on the respirator (i.e. tube down his throat), which is no fun to hear, but we are thanking our gracious lord that he allowed jonathan to have at least a few days' rest from the intubation. and, i guess, now that surgery is back in the picture this week, it's better that jonathan's body not have to worry about breathing while under such sedation.

So now for Jonathan, we'll be focusing at this time on rest and the surgical removal of dead tissue and then more rest to recover from the surgeries. And for the family, we'll be focusing on coming to terms with the fact that this roller coaster is "the norm" for this time in the ICU.

[please imagine the sound of trumpets now as if to signal a very important announcement]: these next couple of weeks are really critical for jonathan because of the going back-and-forth to surgeries and the ventilator and the subsequent sedation level. at times like that (such as the beginning of this past week), we get the general idea from the staff here that his rest is of the utmost importance--they keep a ridiculously close watch on his heart rate and his blood pressure. When he finds that he is unable to communicate with his loved ones (due to the ventilator), he gets a little anxious, his heart rate goes up, and they basically tell us to stop trying to engage him. soooo... we know how much you all want to be here--for jonathan and the shaubs--but for now we're trying not to let him get overly excited by being careful about the number of visitors that even go into his room; and so in sum, it's not a great time to actually "visit jonathan in the hospital." Thanks for understanding... and believe us, Jonathan will need company and entertainment in the months to come. hopefully that time will be soon and very soon!

Until next time,
carrie and Merritt

Mi Casa es Tu Casa

2005-02-28T14:19:00.000-08:00

Good morning from the Pres. Actually, it is afternoon here but still seems like morning. The days and hours run together here in room 2-306. I can't believe this is Day 10!
Jonathan is about the same today, still scheduled for surgery. The doctors plan to assess and treat his wounds and come up with a game plan for treatment. We expect the plastic surgeons to also be present for the surgery. He continues to run a temperature, but is keeping us entertained with wild explanations of what seems to be his reality. Regardless of the fact that he is a little paranoid, he is very lucid, knows us all, and remembers alot. He asked nurse Tara this morning what his prognosis is-when would he be eating normally and moving around. He understands that he was in an accident and is in the hospital in New York and smiles when I tell him that I am going to live here awhile.
Jonathan's main obsession today is getting a drink of water. He is very thirsty and wants to know if they might give him water any time soon. Actually, he is desparate for water. He still cannot have water as he must only swallow things that are thickened. At on point he exclaimed, " Oh my goodness, look at that ice person! (evidently a person in our room was completely frozen in ice) I have never seen anyone so frozen! Come here and let me lick you, please!" As you can imagine, the nurse and I nearly lost it over that one. Poor guy, all he wants is a little drink!
As you can imagine, my mother's heart is lifted when I see glimpses of my son peek through. He has actually rolled his eyes at me several times and given me that look that says that I don't know what I am talking about. We have argued about a few things too (imagine that) and he has negotiated with me on several occasions. Somehow these things bring comfort.
Last night, David and I went home to an apartment that a family offered to us for the next 2 weeks. We don't know this family, but they are brothers and sisters in Christ and wanted to share their home with us. When you walk in the door, there is a sign that says, 'Mi Casa es Tu Casa'. How fitting as yesterday I just wanted to be home where things were warm and cozy and normal. I had ached for it all day and God soothed that ache by providing for us a soft place to lay our heads for the next 2 weeks.
I could write so much more about the kindnesses that have been shown us, but for now, I love you all and covet your continued prayers for Jonathan's healing.
Megan, we miss you and pray for you there!
Mom

A Cloud of Witnesses

2005-02-28T08:38:00.000-08:00

Good morning this is Scott ('O' of the OC, that is, not the roomie) and though I'm a little groggy from spending the last few hours at Jonathan's bedside, I wanted to give my perspective about these 'cloud of witnesses' that I've been around the past few days. Where to begin.....? Well, for starters it was quite amazing (or perhaps better said, miraculous) to see the improvemnt in JD from Saturday evening when I arrived to yesterday afternoon. And yes, some of the chatter yesterday was more than a bit funny (thankfully, no KGB agents...whew!)but even that lifted our spirits in a remarkable way. By the way, he did communicate about some serious stuff such as his favorite books, his love for the Bible, and his girl. (Sorry, I'm not witnessing out-loud about that).

During last evenings night-shift Jonathan was at times agitated, restless, and perhaps afraid. I wasn't quite sure what to do so I prayed and read through the Psalms and told him a few stories my kids like to hear. I'm not saying that was the magical fix, but I was struck all over again that Jonathan is very aware what's going on. More importantly, I have been awed by the witness that Jonathan is providing--of faith and hope and love! You might be interested to know that his favorite passage of the night seemed to be Psalm 23. He would just close his eyes, smile, and then wink at me...speaking volumes that the green pastures of the Lord were more than sufficent to ease his worry about today's likely surgery to look at, and clean, his wounds. I did get tickeled when I got to the part about "he prepares a table before me" as Jonathan opened his eyes and said, "skip over that part; I'm really hungry."

Right before the sun rose this morning Nicole came into the room from the comfy blue couch and Jonathan began to tell us he was 'ready to go' and that we were to help him escape. Unfortunately, he still seems pretty convinced that there are some bad folk showing up in his room to hurt him. We were pleased, however, that he informed Nicole and me that we were on 'his team.' And crazy, or blasphemous, as it may sound he indicated he wanted to put on my NY Yankee hat for the get-away. (Nicole said he doesn't like the Yankees and neither do I really, though I do think they have the coolest uniforms in pro sports.) Anyway, I found it pretty insightful that not only were we on his team but he pointed to others in the room as well: good guys or gals or whatever else you might want to call these witnessses that just might be in the room to cheer him on!

Before signing this off and trying to get some needed shut-eye I must say just a few words about the people who come and go from this amazing waiting room. In so many ways each has witneessed to me, through their actions and words, that God really is real and alive. Oh yes, and how could I forget last night? As were in the waiting room about to eat a makeshift Lord's Supper an older lady came in to the room somwhat loudly and distressed. She was staring at us, a little concerend I think, that I was passing out such small pieces of bread to a handful of people. So, I asked if she wanted a piece of the body of Christ, to which she replied, "no, I've eaten; but if you go down the hall you can get a peanut-butter sandwich." David and I got tickeled but we managed to say thanks. More importantly as we sat together and shared Communion we were all overwhelmed how great is the Body of Christ that exists throughout the world. And though we were just a few in number we all felt engulfed by the presence of God and all of you, and thankful to be witnesses of his loving care.

Ukrainian perspective

2005-02-27T23:43:00.000-08:00

Vitaly here, at the Pres. The guy from Ukraine who made a major deliver of chocolate and love to the Shaubs.

Well, originally I wanted to say fresh perspective, but it's not really fresh, it's just Jonathan through the eyes of someone who saw him before tonight 2 months ago. It's heartbreaking to see J like this. As I watched him, listened to him, talked to him, tears were rolling in my eyes and they are still there in my heart. Tears of a friend. I know dozens of Jonathan's Ukrainian friends are going to be reading this in a matter of couple hours and I hope you get the feeling.

But it's only my perspective. For J's Mom and Dad - he is looking much better than a week ago. He is alive, he is talking (spitting out Russian words like crazy), he is moving, he is breathing on his own, he is pointing, he has his thumb up most of the time when you ask him something and he even ate today, first time ever since the accident. Though right after eating he automatically wanted to brush his teeth... He is smiling, he says he is a strong guy and nods when you say that God is strong and he is with him always. But still, as I recollect the Jonathan, strong both physically and emotionally, it's just delibitating to look at him now, realizing that in many ways he has become like a little child, depending on people around him to care for him, move him, etc. Please pray, pray and pray for this beloved child of God. He needs all the prayers you can offer to our loving father. It's obvious that the Father is right here with everybody who comes, prepares food for the Shaubs and others, gives a hug. It's obvious that God is giving strength to Sharon and David, and he is giving them wisdom how to talk to their son. God is here, God is with us in our suffering. he is real.

One final note - one cannot underestimate the need to pray for this infection stuff, there are just several sources for possible infection. Please pray that God would heal him up, heal his broken skin, destroy bacterial and evil plans of the devil to hurt Jonathan even more. J is very sensitive now and he feel the struggle that goes on around him, so please pray for his spirit to know peace and strength that comes only from the Lord, from faith.

I have to run now. I wish I could stand by our dear Johny more, hold his hand a little more, talk to him in Russian a little more, see the light in his eyes a little more. I know that Jesus is doing exactly that, through many different people. Please continue to embrace him in your prayers and from the words of Jonathan himself - On vseh nas lubit!!! (He said in Russian that he loves us all).

PS. He is going to have to wait a little before he can look at the scrapbook, but I guess Mom and Dad will read some of the notes you wrote to him, tomorrow. The plan is to have the skin/infection surgery tomorrow, so please be praying for him, fervently, as the Lord commands.

Vitaly Samodin, Kyiv-NYC-Boston-Maine

"Call me JD..."

2005-02-27T18:55:00.000-08:00

Jim Holmberg here (husband of Merritt) blogging for the first time and delighted to share some of Jonathan's latest and most hilarious musings with you. What a pleasure to share some fantastic news of Jonathan's progress this afternoon! Merritt and I left the Pres around 7:30am this morning after a fairly uncomfortable and somewhat painful night for Jonathan only to return this afternoon to find Jonathan wide awake, in good spirits and fully aware of his surroundings... and aware of some surroundings / circumstances unbeknownst to us!

Jonathan is free of the neck brace that plagued him these last few days, free of any tubes going in his nose, cleanly shaven and down right LOOPY. Prior to his loopiness setting in this afternoon, he had the presence of mind to instruct his day nurse, Jen, to shave his face and preserve his goatie and side burns, of which he is quite proud. Apparently Jen doesn't shave her face very often, as Jonathan complained to us a bit that she shaved AGAINST the grain of his facial hair!

Since the not so pleasant shave, Jonathan's halucinations / misperceptions of reality kept us all laughing... and SMILING, which is simply wonderful to experience. Despite our efforts to convince him of his saftey and assure him that he is well protected in the hospital, Jonathan believes someone is out to get him. He's taking this quite seriously and asked us not to utter his real name but to use his code name, "JD," (short for Jonathan David Shaub) to protect his identity. Consequently, JD asked us not to use OUR real names and assigned each of us code names as well: "JH," "MC" and "NCole." We'll need to work on the wisdom of the last one, but he insisted upon "NCole" for his sister's code name. He said, "They bamboozled me. I am in a strange, wierd world." You can imagine we were overjoyed at such communication from JD, curious to know what exactly he was experiencing in his dream world, and to be honest, tempted to prod him for more detail as we were so entertained... which we did. In a hushed tone and speaking with such serious conviction, while scanning the room for intruders, Jonathan said, "Big Savon is after me and he knows where I am." Despite our words of assurance and comfort, in a very quite and slow voice he said, "These people that are after me are so so so so so so undeniably... unfathomably strange." He's convinced the wall-mounted television is a surveillance camera and upon his request we covered the television screen with a hospital gown. We've also covered his name plate on the bed, again at his request, to prevent Big Savon from locating him. He remains suspicious of the light fixtures, which he believes are listening devices, thus he speaks very quietly to elude Big Savon's listening ears. We've had to repeatedly assure him that the people in the hospital are doctors and nurses... not Big Savon's spies.

All of this hallucinating, evasive behavior is from JD's quick withdrawl from the pain medicine he's received. Everyone is doing their best not to laugh and simply reassure him of his safety, but we felt it only fun to share some of his comments with you to convey the full experience. He is fine and takes comfort in friends and family being by his side and we are sure this episode will be as entertaining to him someday as it has been for us this afternoon.

To distract JD from Big Savon, we mentioned to JD that one of his buddies told us to tell him, "Run, Forrest, run!" Upon hearing this, he smiled and said he can imitate Forrest Gump really well, which he proceeded to do with impressive accuracy! We then started talking about tonight being Oscar night, to which Jonathan cast his vote for "Million Dollar Baby and Hotel Rwanda. For Joey and Ginge (I think more peope than your father will be calling you Ginge after Carrie's blog) we brought up Joey's nick name, "Swamp Thing," to which Jonathan smiled and explained how Joey is a little bit better than him at ultimate fresbee... just a little bit, Joey.

JD recognizes every family member and friend that comes into the room. His face lit up in a big smile when Scott Owings walked into the room this afternoon. JD raised his hands indicating he wanted to give Scott a hug, which he did as several of us felt our eyes tear up a little bit. Scott Van Dusen and his girlfriend, Kristen, returned today as well.... JD greeted Kristen with a big hug and then proceeded to kiss her hand like a true gentleman. To Scott, JD simply raised his hand in a fist and tried to "pound it" with Scott - an affectionate exchange for men, I can assure you, followed by another hug. Perhaps the best thing in all of this, and most important to those of you who have been following Nicole's somewhat discouraging tone in her blogs over the last week, was to see Nicole light up with repeated HUGE smiles this afternoon as she interacted with her brother.

On behalf of everyone here, many thanks for all of your prayers, thoughts, blogs, letters and phone calls. Keep 'em coming and we'll keep you posted on Jonathan - oops, I mean JD!

applesauce

2005-02-27T16:14:00.000-08:00

Hooray! Jonathan is sitting up in bed, awake, with no neck brace, eating applesauce. I told him that I LOVED applesauce...Jonathan turned to me, and he said, "You want some, Coly?"

More soon. What a bright little spot of a moment this afternoon!

Nicole

A few lunges

2005-02-27T13:30:00.000-08:00

Just wanted to send out a morning report on Jonathan. Not much has changed, and we are not really sure what "no change" means - good? bad? Probably one of the hardest things about this is the uncertainty and the waiting. As far as we know, Jonathan will go in as scheduled for surgery tomorrow unless something changes today. He had a pretty tough night, but he is hanging in there.

This morning as I was standing beside his bed, Jonathan began contorting his face so that he could get the oxygen mask off. It's hard to know whether to laugh or cry when he starts making faces like that, but I confess I caught the giggles this morning (a welcome relief). As I was trying to stop him, he practically raised himself off the bed and lunged, with his other arm (a very long, powerful arm, might I add), for the rack of IV drips hanging beside him. I, of course, had to do a little lunging myself to keep him from doing some serious damage to the millions of wires and drips and whatnot. I found myself back in big sister mode (quite unlike the gentle, almost speechless bedside manner that has overtaken the Nicole you usually know!), and I said, "Jonathan, stop that!" He looked at me, and contorted his face again, once more wiggling out of the oxygen mask. Of course, I had his arms pinned down, so I was helpless to stop his facial movements. Just for one minute, I felt like things were back to normal - Jonathan and I are, once again, battling wills:) As usual, he won in spite of my best scolding (or, he might argue, because of it).

I think I got the last word this time, because I took it upon myself to put the restrains back on him, as the nurse had stepped out. I confess, I feared for the poor IV rack, upon which Jonathan seemed to have fixated. As much as I hate to see him in those restraints, this guy is proving to be extraordinarily strong and surprising, both mentally and physically. When he wants something, there is no stopping him! Not big sister scoldings nor high dosages of pain medicine, nor life-threatening infections seem to faze him. Once he settled down from the lunging, he breathed one word - "nurse" - and winked at her when she came in - all in an effort to get more pain medication (which communication I think was the original intent of the lunge).

Whew. So another day begins and rolls on amidst visitors (someone brought us Starbucks today!), giggles, tears, and weariness. I said to Merritt and Carrie last night through tears that weeping is for the night, but joy comes in the morning. I believe that has become my mantra here. Although I have to say, there were certainly a few chuckles amidst the weeping last night when Uncle Randy and Dad started throwing water bottles at each other. If you know them, you can appreciate that:)

I appreciate Carrie's fun efforts to get help you all know the waiting room inhabitants, but I just want to note that there are so many people who have been by our side, on and off. Particularly the Butlers and Bruces, who staid my parents during some of the hardest early days. When I feel sad or discouraged, I often look at the guest book and the blogs, and the cards that I have begun receiving. I have been amazed at the generosity, the faithfulness, and the humility of people who want to help us. I cringe to call names, simply because the kindnesses, both small and big, are too overwhelming. Please know that though there are moments when this ordeal feels lonely, I am unsure how we could do this without the support of so many. I have no idea how to thank someone who pulls the night shift three times in a row...or someone who has stayed up all night praying in some state I've never been to...or who shows up in the morning with a gallon of Starbucks first thing in the morning...

Please also pray for the other people here with us in the ICU waiting room. There are several families who have been in the waiting room with us, and they are our friends. It is amazing how this experience opens my heart to the hurt of others. Many of the people here are alone, and they are suffering just as much as we are. We have seen people lose loved ones, and we have also seen great joy in recovery. I just ask that you would cover this entire ICU as you pray for Jonathan.

Well, I'm going to drink a cup of Starbucks and settle in. Apparently, Jonathan has begun talking again, and Mom and Dad are moving to an apartment this afternoon. They have accepted one of the generous offers of housing for the next two weeks, so pray that this place would work well for them. I am beginning to look toward trying to go back to classes this week if I can. Our health is beginning to weaken, and I ask your specific prayers for our own stamina (and wisdom), so that we can be healthy and strong to be with Jonathan.

More blogging (hopefully with some words straight from Jonathan!) later,
Nicole

people...who need people

2005-02-27T03:23:00.000-08:00

carrie here. with jim, merritt, and scott at my side. (sorry for the musical theatre reference...it was bound to happen sooner or later. just a shame to be wasted on babs. ah well...) the hombergs and i were contemplating a blog of this nature over dinner this evening, and i'm going to attempt to get it started at the moment. the night shift has begun. we have successfully taken 2-306 for ourselves. just us. and the computer.

we thought it might be amusing to send some quippy nyc bios y'all's direction to let you know who exactly has been invading your cyberspace and how exactly they/we are related to your dear shaubs, eh? (a little canadian shout-out there ... "IS she or ISN'T she?" you're wondering. ok, so maybe just ginger's wondering ... just keep reading.)

MERRITT: need i explain? only the reason and orchestrator of the most talked-about brentwoodian event of the past year--or must i remind you--the lollopalooza known affectionately as "merritt's wedding." formerly of the compton clan, now a happy holmberg, she's known the shaubs since her tot days in nashville. been in manhattan working as a nurse for a few years now, only to be reunited with nicole here in the c of ny in a homey little place on west 73rd. that is, until she married jim this past summer and moved around the corner (west 74th to be exact). but he's a different story.

JIM: need i explain? only the reason for and willing participant (i.e. groom) in aforementioned brentwoodian event--or must i remind you--the man known affectionately (to the b'wood community, at least) as "merritt's husband." he has befriended nicole (& fam, as they visited) during the past couple yearsish as he became of increased importance in MERRITT's (see above entry) life. he's worked downtown at goldman sachs for the past few years and is also an army ranger. one should always have one around. but that's not NEARLY as exciting at this little known fact about jim: he was a contestant on the much-loved nickelodeon game show "double-dare." that's right, my friends. slime, physical challenge, obstacle course and all. i'll leave it to you to find out his fate.

JOEY: ginge, should i let you take this one? i actually just met joey this week, and as he is not here on the night shift tonight, i'll do my best to explain his connection. long-time buddies with jonathan from the growing-up-in-church days. though they were at different high schools and colleges, it seems they always found a tight and fun connection when back at home. he's here working for a (joey, just be prepared, i'm going to butcher this) post-production company--lorne michael's to be exact--editing for "saturday night live" re-runs and dvds. from what i understand, he and jonathan have been able to reconnect here in the city in their time together...with apparently swampy memories of old. he has been here quite a bit, always bearing pringles. once you pop you can't stop. so they say.

SCOTT: i believe he has introduced himself in an earlier blog, but in case you forgot, scott--a good friend from vanderbilt--is jonathan's nyc roommate. he and his girlfriend kristin have been such fun additions to look forward to in the evening after work. though they chose to slack off in their fun-and-good-cheer-bringing duties this weekend to escape to connecticut, we'll still claim them as staples here in 2-306--that is if they get back and pull their weight again. JUST KIDDING!! we're praying that they are getting great rest this weekend as they visit scott's fam...just saying we miss you guys--and props to them for the dinner suggestion last night. :) mmmm...

CARRIE: that's me. i'm from louisiana and met nicole and jonathan at vanderbilt--i'm right between them in years. they became two of my close friends there, and also afterwards as we've moved on. their house and family sweetly became a refuge for me (and others would i'm sure agree) during my college years...i don't think i could have made it through finals weeks without that hot tub or a miata ride! i moved up to nyc to perform...oh wait, merritt's saying something..."tell them you were the one who sang in my wedding!" ok. i was the one who sang in her wedding. so there you have it. it's all coming back to the wedding.

there have been many more people that have contributed greatly to our community here: ashley (friend of merritt and nicole's from fellowship group) brought amazing backrubs; kristie (fellowship group) brought the alabama dumplin's; melissa (f-group) gave us yummy gourmet cheese-n-crackers--perhaps to make us feel not so much like we're constantly on a road trip with the snack food; charis (f-group) brought a little feng-shui (TOTALLY do NOT know how to spell that) with the shelves; julia and kyle (f-group) bring smiles and entertainment (shout-out to bob bruce on that one!); karijo (f-group) brought a lovely guestbook that we are filling daily; elinor (one of nicole's nyc roommies) brought some much welcomed darling clementines and other such healthy items at seemingly the height of our junk-food collection; and kirsten (nicole's other nyc roommate) graciously donated her playing cards. don't worry--they're 52 of iraq's most-wanted. we've got our eyes peeld here in the waiting room. good thing we've got an army ranger.

alright. this is getting long enough. i'm sure i've forgotten to describe some people we've mentioned, but we thought it'd be fun to at least give y'all an idea of who's been hanging here with your shaubs. i know it's no brentwood community, but hopefully we're not a too far second. thanks for the constant prayers--they're definitely getting us through the nights (forgive the lack of silliness in this latest blog of mine...hopefully you'll cut a little slack during my third night shift). duty calls...

A chair to rest my feet...

2005-02-26T23:45:00.000-08:00

Well, I am in charge of the evening blog tonight. We have encouraged many of our extended "family" here to blog for us, as the task sometimes seems overwhelmingly emotional. But tonight it seems fitting that one of us log a few words as the day draws to a close.

For the daily medical report, we learned today that Jonathan might have to go into surgery tonight, but it seems that they have decided not to take him. He is scheduled for surgery on Monday, but they may have to take him tomorrow. He is eating through a tube (which he hates), but eating is still a good sign and hopefully a means of strength and restoration.

Jonathan spent most of the day awake today. I feel like we have come down from the high of yesterday a bit as Jonathan has sobered up. He began the day a bit loopy, still talking about rings and weddings and giving us fits of giggles. As the day has worn on, Jonathan has come back to himself (though still winking here and there:)). In some ways, I have really rejoiced to know that my brother is himself again. Yet as I left his room tonight, I was overcome with grief. He knows tonight that he is hurt. He has spied himself in the reflection of the television, and he wants to know if that is him. He is hurting. He can't sleep. None of us can spend very long in the room with him, but none of us can stand to leave. Thank God for the people who have held his hand in our stead so that we can rest our feet.

Tonight as I was standing in Jonathan's room, the nurse looked at me with great compassion, and she offered me her chair. What a small, human gesture she showed me as she rolled the chair over beside Jonathan's bed so that I could hold his hand without standing. As I sank into the chair, I felt myself holding back sobs that this woman had seen my grief and touched it kindly. Maureen is now my favorite nurse, as well. And if she is the mysterious "love," then I will gladly be a bridesmaid in October...

Jonathan seems to be comforted by our words and prayers, or at least we can believe for ourselves that he is comforted. Lately arrived, Scott Owings prayed over Jonathan tonight, and Jonathan seemed to be asking him to continue. Randy read him some poetry, and he nodded when I asked if I should bring Til We Have Faces and do a little reading. My brother of words and rhythm and beauty is lying there soaking those joys in again, storing them up to keep fighting. Whether he remembers the cadences of this nightmare or not, we must believe that he finds some comfort in our strokes, our murmurs, our jokes, and our prayers. I must believe that somehow, this, too, will eventually be a time of poetry for Jonathan. That he will be a vessel for greater beauty in the world as he emerges from such a time.

This was a long and sad day for me, as the reality sank in this morning that I wouldn't be having brunch with my brother as usual this beautiful New York Saturday. I guess those of you who have experienced tragedy already knew this simple truth that I have never lived - that the world runs as normal when you feel that it should simply stop. That it makes me angry that those trucks keep driving around. That after the grief comes long, long days of re-remembering the grief, and of trying to figure out what life means now, though the world seems to think it means the same thing.

Somehow, however, since living through Thursday night and awaking to a happy day yesterday, I have simply come to believe that Jonathan is going to be okay. I just have to keep waking up and hoping. A sad day is still a day when I have my brother, and for that I will always be thankful.

Homemade chicken and dumplings gave Mom, Dad, and I the first quantitative sustenance we have managed to enjoy in a couple of days, thanks to the delightful Kristie. Sweet visitors have sat with us, brought me Gatorade and Dad coffee to keep us going, reminisced a little, and made the hours seem managable. Randy, of course, combines empathy with his quick humor, and he has cheered and sustained us. And the cavalry, the providential cavalry, has just arrived - Scott Owings flew in, and Merritt, Jim, and Carrie once again have swooped in just when the hours grow dark.

The lights in the waiting room just turned out, so we're past curfew:) Thanks for reading the blogs and for loving and supporting us. Stay tuned for more reports...

Swamp Thing???

2005-02-26T18:35:00.000-08:00

This is Joey Handy reporting from up here in NYC. I've been in and out of "The Pres" as much as possible this last week doing whatever I can to help, which has pretty much consisted of bringing bottles of water and pizza. I haven't written a blog yet so I thought I'd bring back a story from the first day I saw Jonathan after the accident. I walked back to the ICU with Mr. Shaub to say hello not thinking he would even be awake. He was asleep for awhile but eventually woke up and looked over at me. He made a gesture for a pencil and paper and Mr. Shaub handed it to him... When I saw what he had written I couldn't help but laugh. "Swamp Thing." Mr. Shaub gave me a look of confusion and I told him I'd explain later. I spent several more minutes with Jonathan and then headed back to 2-306 to give Mr. Shaub the explaination:

As many of you know there is a large swampy area at the far side of the Frisbee Field at Church Camp. Now this swamp became legend during the summer of 1998. I believe it was the last year we were all able to be at camp together and Robbie Bruce, Lee Bennett, Jonathan and myself were looking over the field on the first day talking, with sarcasm, about how beautiful the swamp was and how we wanted to roll around in it. We could not stop laughing about the swamp for the whole week and how gross it was. It sort of became the mascot for that year at camp. Now everytime we see each other we laugh about the swamp and call each other a whole list of swamp realated nicknames. So here I am in the ICU in new york city and the swamp lives on.

So as you have seen from all these blogs Jonathan still has his sense of humor. The family and friends up here love to read what everyone has to say, so keep the posts coming along with your thoughts and prayers.

Joey Handy
A.K.A "Swamp Thing"

Afternoon Vigil

2005-02-26T17:23:00.000-08:00

Unbelieveably, it is already 5:oo here in NYC. As the day wears on, our little (sometimes big) group continues their vigil in 2-306. Visitors come and go, bringing us supplies, hugging us, and offering prayers for Jonathan and our family. It is rarely an empty room. We have settled in and staked our claim in one corner ready to be here for the long haul. I can't begin to describe the bonds that form under circumstances such as these. Those of us with loved ones in the ICU unit console each other on a daily basis. We are an assortment of ages, races, religions, cultural backgrounds, etc..., but these barriers dissolve in a crisis situation and we have no problem lightening each others' burdens.
Every need we have has been anticipated and provided for so far. When we are hungry, food appears. When we are bone weary, the night shift takes over (thank goodness for youth!). When we are broken in spirit, we read your words of encouragement. God is truly providing for us.
Jonathan's condition remains about the same. He is still off the ventilator and breathing well on his own. Although he is not always lucid, he is usually trying to communicate anyway (are we surprised?). The nurses have decided they have themselves a "talker". I have heard some funny things today, let me tell you. He even had the nurse laughing when he winked at her. The thread running through the broken converstions is that he is getting married in October. If anyone has information about this, please let us know! (Ha)
The discouraging news is that Jonathan's wounds do not seem to be healing so they may be taking him back to surgery tonight. David and I feel as if we are on a roller coaster emotionally, but we give God the glory for the miracle of his life. Keep praying.
We love you all,
Sharon

Merritt's Morning Musings... and some of Jonathan's

2005-02-26T08:37:00.000-08:00

Good Saturday morning. It's me, Merritt (Compton Holmberg, not to be confused with the highly acclaimed trauma surgeon, Dr. Merritt, who happens to be both male and black, unlike myself). Jonathan's first week in the hospital has concluded, and the general feeling amongst the family and friends here in the hospital is that it's SO good to have his ventilator taken out. His pain medication regimen is being changed so that he can be more conscious, and so much of the evening was spent trying to interpret what Jonathan was saying (or singing) as he has become increasingly talkative (and melodious). We've taken turns at his bedside throughout the night (Carrie, Randy Goodman, Jim- my husband- and myself), and each person comes out with a different anecdote. Randy was told about all the flies in the room and his need for a fly-swatter. Jim and I were told that he likes barbeque quite a lot. And perhaps most interestingly of all, he told Carrie and me SOMETHING about "the love of my heart" that we could not understand, despite our most valiant efforts to extract additional information, knowing the high black market value for such a piece of dirt. (We really tried, y'all, but he wouldn't give up the name. Maybe tomorrow night.) So the mood is a bit lighter, as Jonathan is kind enough to relate to us earthlings his various adventures in "outer space."

Jonathan likes to move his arms around a lot, stretching, flexing, and just seeming a little bewildered by his ability to move them around in the air in front of him. (Ever seen someone wake up from getting their wisdom teeth pulled?? It's kinda like that, but x10.) He tends to crinkle up his nose a lot (perhaps from annoyance at the small tube in his nose that provides extra oxygen)-- it's the exact same kind of nose-crinkle that his dad tends to do now and then, if you can picture it. :) And he's quite expressive with the eyebrows and forehead. So he's waking up, slowly but surely.

The beloved night nurse/muse, Maureen, reminded us tonight that "set-backs are to be expected" as they're just "part of the healing process." It seems that the concern for infection continues... and will continue throughout the entire healing process. He's being monitored very closely with antibiotics being given at regular intervals.

He's in excellent care. That's one of the things for which I'm most consciously thankful at this point. This is the teaching hospital for both Cornell and Columbia Universities' Medical Schools, one of the best hospitals in the world. I, for one, am glad that this accident occurred in NYC... as opposed to another country, or even another, more remote location in the US. While I can imagine that it's maddeningly difficult for those of you in Nashville to not be able to see Jonathan with your own eyes or hug the family members with your own arms, I'd like you all to know that the body of Christ is alive and active in caring for the Shaubs here to the best of their ability. It's an interesting thing for me to watch, this meshing of 2 worlds that are so dear to my heart. NYC and Nashville are incomparably different places, but our Father is consistent, true, and faithful. He provides what is needed, as it is His pleasure to do us good and show Himself to be our lover and provider. Thank you for your prayers. They are heard, felt, and appreciated beyond expression.

Appreciated beyond expression. It's interesting also for me to reflect upon what it feels like to be the recepient of the magnitude of generosity and care that the Otter Creek community (and beyond) pours out in times of true need. I would like to help the Shaubs tell you how loved and supported they feel, how thankful they are, how full their hearts are of gratitude and other emotions that cannot be described. It seems like I ought to be able to help them to convey their sense of appreciation, since I've been there myself, in some ways. But I'm afraid I'm still at a loss. I think you know, though... especially if you've been on the receiving end yourself. I think you know, and that's why you give. Thank you.

And just so we end on a superfluous detail that most of you are not concerned with... there now exists a newly assembled plastic shelving unit in our little corner of the ICU waiting room, complete with colorful baskets, which are perfect for compartmentalizing the impressive variety of nourishment options that we've amassed during the week that we've been here. Nicole was quite pleased to be relieved from the burden of the metaphorical reminder of the societal injustices of suburban sprawl. So 3 cheers for Charis!! (a friend from Nicole's and my fellowship group who found the shelving unit at a local hardware store. See, I told you that the New Yorker friends were taking good care of us!)

Until next time,
Merritt (and Jim and Carrie who are snoozing on the couches)

That Feeling in My Stomach

2005-02-26T03:00:00.000-08:00

I am not in NYC, so I do not know if I am completely qualified/allowed to be blogging anymore...but I could not help myself. As I try to relax and allow myself to rest tonight, my mind only races more quickly while a naseous feeling is developing in my stomach. No, not because of Jonathan's present state...my heart rejoices at that (sorry if I caused any fear). This sickness stems from my memory of one week ago--this is the very night last week that all of our lives were permanently altered. I cannot believe the events of this past week, and I praise God that we still have Jonathan. One week ago I believed he had left us all forever, but he is still fighting. He remains in the ICU waking up and rambling unintelligbly, sometimes causing laughter. I long with everything in me to be there, as I know many of you do also. Thank you all for your coninuing comments and encouragement even after a week has passed. I love you all so much and I read over your comments numerous times daily. Keep praying.
Megan

"I'm in outer space, baby..."

2005-02-25T23:21:00.000-08:00

I arrived NYC at 8pm this evening carrying very mixed emotions about being here (too many hospitals lately) but driven by the need to see Jonathan, David, Sharon and Nicloe...I must say I've never see a waiting room as bustling and out-fitted as this one is, but of course the Shaubs, et al, can turn anywhere into a tailgate affair. I digress...

Armed emotionally to find the worse, my first visit with Jonathan conincided with the removal of the respirator and thus freed him (physically and mentally) to be the poet he is. Not to lessen the gravity of the situation but it was with great joy that I held his hand with David and heard him exclaim the above words! No doubt still extremely groggy Jonathan had me laughing. Right there in the Critical Care Unit we were laughing...which is one of the great gifts he has and something we have always shared.

Why do these things happen? I have not a clue. 20 years ago this month I lost my Dad to Cancer. He was 54. Jennifer (my wife, Sharon's sister) continues to beat her Cancer daily and with each visit to the hospital, each encounter it is revealed to us how blessed we are. But what I do know is that Jonathan doesn't quit. He doesn't like to lose. And he won't this time...he's just, "in outer space baby" for little while.

Uncle Randy

Coming out of a long sleep...

2005-02-25T20:25:00.000-08:00

Just a quick update from The Pres, where Jonathan is speaking to us for the first time since I saw him in the ER. He is not out of danger, but our spirits are certainly higher here.

They took Jonathan's ventilator out, and he is fighting through the haze of a week of sedation to try and talk to us. His "magic milk" is hard to wake up from, but hopefully it has given him a long, healing sleep until now.

Granted, not all of the things he is saying are discernible, or logical. He is not able to speak intelligibly, because of the trauma to his throat from the ventilator. However, he has clearly been able to recognize us all, and he should be able to speak more and more clearly as time progresses.

We have no idea what tomorrow will be like. This journey seems to be a roller coaster, rather than a nice gradual slope. But I, for one, will give thanks for a day that had some laughter through the tears. We continue to stand at his bedside, kissing him, loving him, talking to him, giggling a little, and bending close to understand his parched words.

Praising God that joy has come to us in the morning.

Nicole

Morning Update

2005-02-25T12:45:00.000-08:00

Jonathan made it miraculously through the night with little fever, though he is running a bit of one now. Thanks to the good Dr. Merritt this morning, we have hope that Jonathan is holding his own for now.

The plan for today is to wean Jonathan off the respirator (thank goodness). They will begin decreasing his sedation soon, and we hope that he will awake without too much agitation. This news makes us very happy, although we are still not sure whether or not he will receive a tracheotomy.

Jonathan's lungs are perfectly healthy, so Dr. Merritt has assured us that Jonathan should be able to breathe on his own. They want him to rest and recuperate from the ventilator over the weekend, and then they plan to go back in for surgery on Monday, to clean his wound of any infection that may still appear in addition to other procedures.

If Jonathan seems to worsen this weekend, they will do emergency surgery, but our hope is that all will go well as Jonathan continues healing. The next forty-eight hours are crucial for his recovery.

He is still not out of the woods yet, but it is hard not to feel a sense of relief that this morning has indeed brought a ray of hope and a plan of action. We covet your continued prayers.

And on the 7th day....

2005-02-25T07:58:00.000-08:00

I sit here on the ICU floor a quiet observer to the present Shaub family journey. I have been trying for 3 days to find a place on the blog where I did not follow Nicole, Queen Blogger and ruler of "the suburbian sprawl". Posting a written segment after Nicole (and now Carrie) is like being asked to replicate a sand wedge shot like Galen, take over from Sharon and Marlene the kitchen at camp ( well really the whole CAMP ), or score better than Jonathon on the SAT! Now if it were officiating a SEC football game better than Lane.....NO PROBLEM, I could do that.

One of the true blessings of this present journey is the waiting room 2-306. It is a real melting pot of people and situations. While this undesired prolonged stay is unfortunate, The Shaub contigency continues to be the foundation of the surroundings much like they have been and are in the lives of so many in Nashville extending to many places across the world. Nicole, David, Megan and Sharon are quick to connect to the troubled transient family members by lending a ear, offering food, and expressions of compassion from the heart.

This blog would not be complete without mention of the "food corner"...sometimes arranged, sometimes unorganized, sometimes more full than others. One of the things that Carrie missed regarding Jonathon's move to a new room was the addition of "purple plastic gloves" now designated at MUSTANG HANDS! Additionally, Carrie failed to share with everyone that she sang for some in the waiting room yesterday afternoon. What a voice! A true gift from God. There are so many people here that are gifts of God. Nicole and Jonathon truly have an awesome spiritual community of friends and family of choice here in Manhattan. There are Vanderbilt connections, Nashville connections, as well as many touches of local Manhattan and surrounding communities. They are loving, supportive, young and older, and they love God. Everyone misses Megan but know that she is constantly receiving gifts of support and prayers from friends and family.

Jonathon is in excellent hands...God's! Today is the 7th day of this journey. During the creation God rested on the 7th day but we know that he is not resting on this 7th day as he administer's to Jonathon's needs and to Sharon, David, Nicole, and Megan also. On this 7th day please do not rest in your prayers or thanksgivings for the good things that have and will occur. He is such a fighter just like the rest of his family.

Lisa and I stayed till the wee hours of the morning. As some of you know that "It is the Darkest before the Dawn". We pray that the dawn is here today!

Mr. Bob

lullabies...

2005-02-25T03:56:00.000-08:00

carrie love here. so i just got here to relieve the sweet bruces for the rest of the night shift, happy to find nicole sleeping soundly on the dark blue plastic-ish couch here in 2-306. small randomness of the day to smile about (i specialize in the little things): at least her favorite color is blue. thank goodness the couches aren't some silly shade of _________ (insert not-favorite color here). i peeked my head in to see jonathan for a few minutes upon my arrival. no worries--he is adapting to his upgrade just fine. they moved him to a larger room a couple doors down. they "claim" it has to do with the fact that they'd like more room to be able to manage the increased maintenence of his wounds, but i'm on to them--i personally believe jonathan, sedated as he is, is slowly maneuvering his way to the top of the icu totem pole, to the head of the class, as it were (as always)...a wink here, a hand squeeze there, maybe a little half-smile/smirk thrown in to seal the deal. now i don't really know what all is involved in making it to the "top" here, but i'm almost sure the room move is an indication that he is well on his way. i'd be willing to bet that this proverbial "top" involves some sort of grand penthouse suite, a secret password AND handshake, and maybe a disco ball and some ice cream. chocolate if we're lucky. ...*sigh*...maybe tomorrow. ok, seriously though, jonathan's new room is lovely and still has the great view of the east river with a little more breathing room for all the intensive care that he is receiving from the stud staff here at The Pres.

i feel as though i must confess something. during my last night shift i was able to spend alot of quality bedside time with maureen-the-muse. i would like to repent of my earlier cynicism. is that how you spell that? anyway, she was absolutely wonderful, and probably makes my top-three-coolest-and-bestest-nurses-that-we've-met-so-far-list. she'd for sure be my muse, were i ever to write something ever in my life. she'll definitely be at our disco/ice-cream party in the penthouse suite. a few others that have been working with him have been melissa, tara, nellie, and margaret's on tonight. other names have escaped me at the moment, but i thought i'd list a few of the all-star team just so y'all can be praying specifically for these women who are taking such amazing care of him ALL THE TIME.

for those of you that know me, it will be of no surprise to learn that i've had a song or two stuck in my head during my time here. always humming something or other, i suppose. so in the wee hours of this morning, i thought i might share what god has been putting in my heart here at The Pres. why not, eh? i have been increasingly personally encouraged by this song:

in my weakness i find that your strength knows no bounds.
in my loneliness i find that the everlasting arms surround me.
and even with this fragile heart, i find a place to rest here--safe where you are.
and i am falling into grace again, and i am running where your mercy never ends...
lord, i'm learning that your love can cover me. you are teaching me what a child is meant to be.

ok, so on a different note, jonathan and i (and many of you, i'd suspect) share a healthy obsession with the beatles. naturally, the white album is my favorite, written (brilliantly, i might add) at a time of social and political unrest. i mean, who writes a song called "back in the u.s.s.r." during the cold war?! oh, john and paul, you crazy cats, you. one of the songs on that ablum is not only my favorite, but it's been singing in my heart and lips a bit as i sit with jonathan:

blackbird singing in the dead of night, take these broken wings and learn to fly...
all your life, you were only waiting for this moment to arise.
blackbird singing in the dead of night, take these sunken eyes and learn to see...
all your life, you were only waiting for this moment to be free.
blackbird, fly into the light of the dark black night.

"but carrie," you say, "that song was written on the heels of the civil rights movement and at the front end of a women's lib movement. it's not really about a late-night altercation with an oil truck." i know, i know, oh knowledgable blog-reader, but i can't help picturing isaiah's imagery in chapter 40, verses 30 and 31 every time i hear that song...strength renewed, running without weariness, soaring like eagles...pretty powerful stuff to think about and hope and pray for as i sit with our broken-winged jonathan. so not to worry, oh guitars gently weeping, he's getting his beatles fix.

it will most definitely be on rotation at the disco party.

i would like to extend my thanks, as well, to all of you sending encouragement. everyone that comes in here is so touched by all your thoughts; someone's practically glued to the computer at all times to see what you're saying. though the news today was not quite what we had hoped or desired, i have utter confidence in the abilities of this medical team--after all, their hands were made by the master.
carrie

Yea, though I walk

2005-02-25T01:26:00.000-08:00

Though my hopes for Jonathan remain high, I grieve the uncertainty of Jonathan's status tonight. This wait in the valley of the shadow of death is the darkest night of my soul.

My thanks to those of you who have heard and shared my tears tonight, and those of you who are even now doing so. My family and I can only hope that weeping comes tonight, but joy will most certainly come in the morning.

They will be monitoring bloodwork tonight, and we should have a good sense in the morning of whether or not we should worry about infection in the day(s) to come. Please pray for joyous good news.

Your vigilance and faith are appreciated. Tonight I feel strength that is not my own, and I am going to put that on the list of miracles. Many thanks to our friends and family out there, from a very empty and somber waiting room tonight.

Nicole
Your faithful night-watcher

A Discouraging Report - Thursday Evening

2005-02-24T22:26:00.000-08:00

Jonathan just returned from another 4 hours in surgery. The trama, orthopaedic, and plastic surgery teams were present and active. Also, the burn team was consulted since his thigh injury may require similar treatments. Thankfully, the vascular surgery team's work seems to be complete since the bleeding remains stopped.

The soft tissue injury from the accident to his lower left side (between waist and knee) is of the most concern, and will require Jonathan to remain in ICU at least another two weeks - probably longer. The wound is significant, making several repair surgeries necessary over the next few weeks. Infection is present in the wound, and poses a dangerous short term threat.

Jonathan's temperature remains elevated and will be watched closely. He remains intubated, but a tracheoscopy (?) is probably in the works for tomorrow. Strong anesthesia is necessary for the surgeries to follow, all of which require breathing support. He continues to be sedated heavily and unable to communicate or speak.

The repair to his right ankle was successful, but required 4 screws and a plate. Plastic surgery and plate removal will be needed down the road.

We earnestly seek your prayers and God's graciousness in this journey of faith. Your expressions of love and support are a sustaining source of encouragement.

Mom and Dad

Hating to Leave

2005-02-24T08:56:00.000-08:00

Jim and I will be leaving this PM (trying to avoid the snow!). David and Sharon will be in capable hands, the Bruces will be here until tomorrow and family members will be here this weekend and next week. Leaving will be difficult. There is sort of a "cocoon" feeling here in the waiting room, not knowing or caring what is going on in the outside world.

Jonathan is sleeping peacefully. Earlier the nurse was trying to rouse him a little,so Sharon told Jonathan that he had a pretty nurse and he better wake up and look. He opened one eye and half smiled, still Jonathan!

It has been an honor to be the hands and feet for the family at Otter Creek. They have felt your "hugs" and prayers. The blogs have been life sustaining. Cyberspace has truly let us see how wide God's arms are! Keep sending the love!

Marlene

Quite a morning

2005-02-24T05:39:00.000-08:00

Megan and I left for the airport at 4:15 - she should soon be on the plane. I took a brief nap while Megan blogged and sat with Jonathan.

Apparently, shortly after I fell asleep, a horde of religious people swarmed the ICU (I won't identify the group, but they are all dressed alike). It was/is very strange. I think - I feel very sure - they were stalking Megan and me for our couches, because they are overflowing the other waiting room. They are doing strange things like staying in the bathroom indefinitely, asking Megan if she sells things on eBay, and looking very, very much like each other.

I confess to being super weirded-out upon waking to suited men and primly dressed women who hounded us endlessly with their eyes. The minute we got up, they practically jumped on our couches. In my illogical waking-up-ness, I thought that they would steal all of our (neatly organized) food and my precious notepads...but we had to leave it all behind to go to the airport. I also could not get into a bathroom (b/c of the indefinitenes of their bathroom visits), a fact which contributed to my confusion and displeasure. I just could not quite figure out what was happening. Megan said that they had been roaming the halls and talking to her for the entire time that I was asleep. Very surreal. There is nothing more disconcerting than waking to peering, quiet people.

I'm sure they are perfectly nice, and also very worried about their ICU patient. They are now sleeping on the couches beside me, and certainly seem more human:) Megan seems to be hounded by the crazies around here, though - earlier today she was semi-harrassed by a man who wanted her to "check his website" while she was on the computer...

My final thought is to wonder if some people experience us like that - this horde of crazy people who all kind of look and talk alike and do very strange things for no discernible reason. It's kind of funny (now that I am fully awake) to think that our little group of Christian people probably seem equally as odd and disconcerting at times to other people dresed in suits. Although we have been trying to share our food.

Hanging with the New York crazies,
Nicole

Isaiah

2005-02-24T03:15:00.000-08:00

"I will heal him, I will guide him and restory comfort to him, creating praise on the lips of the mourners in Israael. Peace, peace to those far and near," says the Lord. "And I will heal them." Isaiah 57:18-19
"You who are away, hear what I have done, You who are near acknowlege my power." Isaiah 33:13
"Rather, as servants of God we commend ourselves in every way: in great endurance; in troubles, hardships and distresses;in beatings, imprisonments and riots; in hard work, sleepless nights and hunger; in purity understanding, patience and kindness; in Holy Spirit and in sincere love; in truthful speech and in the power of God; with weapons of righteousness in the right hand and in the left; through glory and dishono, bad report and good report; genuine, yet regarded as imposters; known yet regarded as unknown ; dying, andyet we live on; beaten and yet not killed; sorrowful,yet always rejoicing" 2 Corinthians 6:4-11
"When dark trials come and my heart is filled with the weight of doubt I will praise Him still. For the Lord our God He is strong to see from the arms of death."

Tonight I want to share with you all how encouraged I feel from visiting with Jonathan today. We all agree that he looks better. He has lost some of the chubby face(a.k.a. the swelling is going way down)! His color is looking brighter and more natural, and he is still stubbornly fighting away, although the massive amounts of medicine are allowing him to rest a little more comfortably! Everyone continue to praise God for these blessings that are not only leading Jonathan into recovery, but are also nourishing my family's spirit.
Today Jonathan got a plush, new hospital bed. It feels like a float/air-mattress...and air is constantly pumped through it...evidently it is better for his skin and more comfortable. I was looking at Jonathan in his new bed, and God quieted my soul with peace only He can provide. I do not experience much peace when I am in the room with Jonatahn, but I was reminded of how physically strong my sweet brother is. In one sense, it devastates me to see his "strapping" :) body tied to that bed, but in another sense I praise God for his strength, health, and youth especially as I see the other patients in the ICU...Jonathan has so much to fight this with. It physically hurts to watch Jonathan struggle to understand and to try to fight, and every time I walk in there and realize it really is my "superhuman" brother strapped in and unable to speak --it is hard--
SO, as I prepare to say goodbye to Jonathan and experience what it is like to be far away and wanting to help, I am encouraged...and I know all of you bloggers have had so much to do with that...thank you! Keep praying! I love you all.

Megan

Night Shivers

2005-02-24T02:30:00.000-08:00

To our faithful blog-checkers,

Many thanks from the night shift (Megan and I) for your faithful support. As the days stumble into each other, it becomes glaringly, horribly apparent that nights are the worst hours of this ordeal. Ever day as the clock spins toward midnight, my spirits sink. I dread sleeping, and I dread staying up another day, blurring day into sleepless day without even a window to mark the passage.

I am a bit dramatic and also sleep deprived, and I did indeed leave the hospital last night. So no fears that we are trapped unendingly in the hospital. In fact, I have many a wise friend who have encouraged me to walk, to leave, to run, to breathe. And some wise people around me who are doing just those things. The problem isn't so much in my doubting the wisdom of their advice...just the motivation to take it. My own moving, breathing, walking seems so insignificant when my brother cannot do any of those things. Leaving the hospital is unbearably hard, and lying down to sleep and think about the hospital is almost unbearably harder.

Megan has decided to leave tomorrow morning. A trooper of a little sister and an enormously generous spirit, Megan has accepted hospitality and support from my friends, Jonathan's friends, and my parents' friends. We all agree that it is time for her to be able to experience the love of her own school and church communities, and to rest a little bit. No doubt she will be back soon, but her departure leaves me feeling a little broken apart. I will miss the solidarity of my sweet, strong sister.

So many people have been generous to our family and our visitors, and most particularly our brother. I have a new adoration for nurses and the work that they do. I have an overwhelmingly real knowledge of the practical and enormous help that people are willing to offer. I also have a ridiculous tenderness for a little soft elephant that Carrie has placed in Jonathan's hand to feel. Funny how these very significant moments are marked by such unremarkable things sometimes.

The weeks and months ahead are daunting right now, and I find myself beginning to shiver again tonight as I begin trying to sift through what all of this means. Late tonight, I found myself rendered incapable of sorting any more food into boxes. I let my mom take a turn, and I tried to be quiet for a few minutes. I think that is when I began shivering again.

My love and thankfulness from the hospital. Your prayers and support have produced many a miracle, small and large. Maybe one of these days I will blog the list of miracles that I am keeping in a notebook.

Nicole