looking backward

Well, it's Jonathan again, rising movie star according to Mrs. Hillenmeyer, though i personally thought my cheeks (the ones on my face, of which i still have two) looked kinda chubby in those close-ups. i guess that's a good thing, though, compared to their formerly sunken appearance. Thanks to John Dwyer and Tim Hardiman over at Channel 2 for doing a great job and sincerely caring about the whole situation.

this past week with the news story and talk of going home on friday has caught me up in a little backward reminiscing, but on to that later... first, the medical update (drumroll, please)

the wounds on my back donor site finally seem to have started healing (thank the Lord!) although there are still several open areas on it and my other donor sites. the other open places on my skin grafts also seem to be closing and now i can almost believe, almost, that there will be a day in the future when my body no longer bleeds regularly (on that day i will be the crazy guy in the street laughing and singing like a little girl with a pink puppy). my ingrown toenails have healed, though i had to have the nail on my second toe cut off today, but it is minor compared to my former difficulties. in therapy news, the stretching continues on my knees and hips, sometimes involving one therapist sitting on one leg and another on all fours with my foot on his shoulder "cranking away." my flexibility is improving slightly, but the heterotopic ossification (HO) in my hip still severely limits my movement and has left me with a bit of a gangsta limp to attract the ladies. that's a brief medical update for those interested - i'm sure our friends in new york would love to come down and have a look for themselves to make sure i'm healing and being treated properly, but you'll have to take my word..

on that note, though, looking back as i am, i did want to send a little "shout out" to our NYC family - my beloved therapists: Shin, Malvina, Carrie, Matt, Tatiana, Gerrard, et al; and of course the vigilant nurses: Kelly(s), Meighan and Jen ("magic milk" party, anyone?), Actor Andrew, Eugene (i need a haircut), Dennis, the "cool" Megan, John, my Bunin sharer, Patty, Brian, Rob, Frank, Raina, Jacob, Kim and so many others...

moving along in the newscast, i have been escaping from the lovely confines of Nashville Rehab quite a bit lately... some highlights include a trip up to Otter Creek's Camp where a road full of gravel and 100 applauding campers greeted our arrival, and where i also broke out my latest dance move that i like to call "The HO" (modified from Lisa Turtle's "The Sprain"); a lunch trip to Monell's in style with mom, Che Che (my physical therapist) and her boyfriend, who happens to be a limo driver; a july fourth cookout at the house; enjoying "Batman Begins" with my mother and then cringing and crying through "War of the Worlds" with Hunter; a couple of board game marathons (Cranium - win; Boggle - loss; Scattergories - win) with my college friends and then a Sharon Shaub spectacularly salivating Steak and Salmon Spread for supper (don't you love alliteration?); and finally a Trivia Night at the Flying Saucer where we barely missed third place but might have had the best team name, i.e. "I got run over by an 18-wheeler but i still made it to Trivia Night"...

Tomorrow brings a trip back to Vanderbilt to check in with the doctor and hopefully get the release slip to come home... watching that day approach, with the news story and looking through old pictures has forced me to do lately what my mom has continually urged me to do. "Look backward to see how far you've come, not forward to the long road ahead," she chides whenever i seem daunted by the upcoming path. on the cusp of a return to "normal life," fear and frustration claw at me and tempt me into their webs with flashes of the immediate future. i wonder if i will ever stop bleeding or sit comfortably without concern for my leg, back, or feet; i despair at not being able to drive my car or feel the wind as I sprint on a Frisbee field; i resent having to be cared for, my socks and shoes put on for me and trivial tasks turned impossible.

however, more powerful than these negatives is the backward vision that my mom so sagely advised. i look at pictures of gaping holes in my leg and then look down to see them filled with healthy skin; i see my emaciated face in the NYC ICU and compare it to the chubby cheeks i saw on TV; i remember the dizziness after standing for a few minutes and realize that i plan to stand for an entire wedding ceremony next week; i remember questioning my dad, "will i ever walk?" and his uncertain reply and now i'm ready to go walking at Radnor Lake, hoping my stylish limp will catch some female attention.

on friday, almost five months to the day after the accident, 21 weeks exactly, i will most likely be coming home. i know i'm in for a long road - surgeries for the HO - 8 months to a year down the road, the colostomy reversal, therapy, etc. - and it looms ahead obscuring my entire vision at times; but glancing behind me at the past 147 days allows me to see a continual, miraculous, and ardently prayed for progression of healing. That backward vision enables me to see further into the future, to look past the immediate hurdles and imagine a day of restored health, of healed skin, of unimpaired walking, even running. Looking at the past creates for me the hope of the future, the knowledge that a year from now i might be able to look back at the past 17 months and see an even more miraculous, even more ardently prayed for progression of healing. standing on the last 147 days allows me to see over the next 147; looking backwards trains my eyes to look forward in a new way, to look forward standing on a foundation of hope.

i don't know what the future holds, but looking at the past allows me to walk into it smiling.